Remembering You

October 21st, 2015

I had lost both my parents to their addictions but I never knew how it felt to truly lose someone. This loss was different than any other loss you could experience. The feeling of knowing there wont be a chance of seeing them ever again. You wont ever get to say goodbye. Their presence forever lingering by. Nothing anybody could tell you could prepare you for the pain you were to endure.

When they told me the news I felt numb. I felt like this wasn't happening, that it was a scene from a movie I was working on. I told myself that it wasn't true. That there was no way Paul could be gone. He was my protector. He was supposed to be invincible. He was not supposed to die.

I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should cry or scream. 

The police say it was a random hit and run but I knew that it wasn't just that. I could feel it in my gut.

I was sitting with Meo and Chris in my apartment hiding from the world. It was a media circus outside and we all wanted to avoid it. With Meo, Chris and I here it brought out all the paparazzi and journalists you could ever find.

Kelly was taking care of everything, the funeral and dealing with the press. Everything had to be done right so we didn't end up in the headlines for doing something wrong. It was crazy how a time of mourning and sadness could be turned into a show. It was a show that the entire world was watching. And I hated it but this was the life we chose and this was the life we were stuck with.

My brother flew in right away and initially was going to cancel his last concert on Saturday but I wouldn't let him. Paul would have wanted us to keep going on with our lives and that was what we were going to do. Today we had cancelled everything just so we can mourn but tomorrow we were back to our regular lives. The only difference know was that Paul was gone.

The directors didn't want me coming back right away so they were going to let me go to New York a little earlier. I told them I was fine to go back but they said they would kick me out if I tried to show up. I guess it was probably best to take a break especially with everything going on. We were flying out later tonight but before we left I had one thing I had to do.

I had to go to Paul's house and see if I can find what he had found. If there was anything it was most likely in his house. He was renting near my building but I had never been there before. Majority of the time he was with me and he would usually end up crashing on my sofa in the living room because he didn't like leaving me all alone.

We were currently sitting and watching some movie that was playing on TV trying to avoid the topic of Paul.

I abruptly got up and announced I needed to get some fresh air.

"You think it's a good idea for you to go alone with all those people out front?" Meo asked with concern in his voice.

"I'll go out the back and I am going to go in my car, I just need to go out I feel really suffocated." I responded,

"At least let one us go with you." Chris chimed in.

"I want to be alone right now and I will have security escort me out." I really did not need one of them coming with me.

"Okay at least let me walk you out." My brother said jumping out of his seat.

"Fine, let me just go grab a jacket." It was mid October and the weather was getting colder.

I went to my room grabbing everything I needed before we both headed out together.

We both walked silently to the elevator and stayed silent till we were half way down and my brother spoke to me.

"You don't think it was an accident do you?"

I stayed silent for a minute contemplating if I should tell him what I thought.