Remembering You

October 20, 2015 - 10pm to October 21, 2016 -3am

I was sitting in the hospital waiting room on the floor unable to move. I could hear everyone around me getting both good and bad news. I could hear people crying and people laughing. What a strange feeling it was to be in a room filled with so much happiness yet so much sadness. Some people were pacing, some were on their phones while others were staring at the walls. I never realized how scary a hospital was. The smell of death mixed with life in the air.

They have been updating me about Paul's status in surgery for the past two hours and nothing had changed up until five minutes ago when the doctor had given us the news.

I knew people died but I never knew how much pain someone could feel when they lost someone they love. I didn't know it felt like someone was reaching into your chest and squeezing your heart. I didn't know it felt like you were dying over and over again. I didn't realize that you could run out of tears. I didn't realize that death was this painful.

Chris was sitting beside me unsure of what to say or do. Kelly was on her phone dealing with my agency about Paul's death. Avery was sitting crying silently on one of the chairs. Brad was pacing around unsure of what he could do. My security team was surrounding us while people gawked at us.

There was security trying to handle the paparazzi that was swarmed outside of the hospital entrance. How they got the news so quickly I will probably never know.

I don't know how long I sat there for before Chris was picking me up off the floor and telling me that we should head back to the apartment.

"I want to see him." I cried to Chris. I had to see him.

"I don't think that's a good idea love."

"I need to see him please, tell them to let me see him Chris!" I pleaded.

"Okay, just give me a second to speak to the nurse."

I watched him as he walked to the nurses station.

I had to call Meo, I had to tell him about Paul. But I didn't know how to tell him. I didn't know how to break the news to him. I didn't want to even say it out loud. Because if I did it would confirm he was really gone and I didn't want to believe that right now.

I took a seat next to a crying Avery and grabbed her hand.

"Are you okay?" She asked. I shook my head.

"Are you okay?" I asked back. She just shook her head as well before resting her head on my shoulder.

"It's going to be okay." I said to her trying to reassure her in someway, also trying to convince myself.

We sat quietly for the next couple of minutes waiting for Chris to come back.

"Hey they said you can go in and see him, nurse Jamie is going to take you. Do you want me to come with you?" He had a woman in her late forties next to him with a sympathetic smile on her face.

"No I want to do this alone." I declined his offer getting up and letting go of Avery's hand.

'Alright just this way darling" the nurse said leading me to Paul. I silently followed her trying to prepare myself for what I was going to see.

We finally arrived to the room that was Paul was in.

"You can go in when you're ready."

I just nodded my head and turned to the door.

I grabbed the handle and took a deep breath before turning the handle and opening the door.

When I walked in the first thing I noticed was the smell. It smelt like death.