04/09/17

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Dear Andrew,

I'm gonna keep the greeting the same because I've done so with the other letters. Wait...just let me sit down...there we go.

I'm sitting down outside subway because you promised me a foot long to make me feel better. We are currently in our robes- obviously with clothes. It's moments like these where I just know we're right for each other- not that I ever doubt it. But it's just that we do some crazy stuff, you know?

Like the time we- actually let me not bring that up.

So yesterday was the appointment...I knew what they were going to say before I even took the tests. I can feel myself getting weaker and it's not even the pregnancy, it's the cancer. You know, I never really understood when people would say cancer slowly ate them away but I get it, I really do. Goddamit I wish I always remained confused because it hurts. Everything hurts.

My head hurts from the lack of sleep I get because of how much pain I'm in. And I know you keep saying- oh that's a nice bird- that I should start getting the treatment but I can't. I really can't. I know the risks have reduced since our baby boy is getting bigger and stronger but I am not risking anything. I know you know how important it is to me- to us. But I don't think you'll ever know what it's like to carry a baby inside you for months and then one day it's gone and you're not at home, smiling down at a sleeping baby. It's completely gone.

And I know that is such a bad thing to say but I really can't help it. I know you were so involved in our girl's pregnancy and even more so with our baby boy and I really couldn't thank you enough. But it's not the same. I'm sorry but it's not.

I just...I really want to give you a baby, Drew. I really want our life to carry on through our children and our baby boy is going to do that. I promise you, you are my witness, I am letting you hold our baby boy first. No matter what happens in the delivery room, whether I'm dying or whatever, you are holding him first because I never gave that to you with Angel.

Anyways, I gotta go, you're putting the sandwiches in a bag.

I love you,

Spencer, kiss kiss.

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