Dear Andrew {COMPLETED}

[OPENED] First anniversary

Dear Andrew,

So obviously it's our anniversary- first one without me. I can't begin to imagine how you feel right now. I honestly can't.

Every time I woke up on this day, I always knew you would be beside me, you would already be awake and just holding me in your arms. I knew that when I woke up, you would kiss my neck and whisper how much you love me. I was always so warm in your arms, I always felt so protected.

I wish I could be there to whisper back how much I love you, to run my hands through your hair as I leaned in to kiss you. I just want to be able to be there for you because I know how much you're going to be hurting.

Our anniversary was special to us. We didn't have sex all day in bed, we didn't go out of our way and buy ridiculous expensive gifts. We reminded each other why we loved the other. We promised no gifts but you always got one anyways- although it was sentimental, not just some jewellery.

I remember our first year anniversary. It was parents evening. You had to wait forever for all the students to leave and the parents to stop complaining. You were meant to pick me up at 6 but sat at the back of the hall, bringing me a cup of coffee every now and then until 9.

Then when everyone had left, you helped put all the chairs away, you didn't complain one bit and when I tried to apologise, you just pulled me into a kiss, making my cheeks go red because we were still in front of all the teachers.

"We still have years to come to celebrate this special day because I'm here to stay, Spence"

Word for word, that's what you whispered to me before planting a soft kiss on my lips again. Then I didn't see you till ten because it took forever to clean up the hall. You stood at the entrance, my bag and jacket in your hands. Most teachers were saying goodbye to us, thanking you especially for helping out.

You helped put my jacket on and we walked out without another word. Your hands held mine as you hummed. I just couldn't stop feeling so bad. You planned so many things for us that day and it was because of me that it turned to a night of terrible coffee and stale biscuits.

You drove to your house, occasionally looking my way and giving me a smile. And I swear every smile you threw my way, the worse I felt. I couldn't even start to apologise because I didn't know what to say.

When we finally got to your house, you pulled me in and kissed me with so much love and passion. When you smiled into the kiss I felt all sorts of happy that I couldn't even describe to you now. It just dawned on me in that moment- I spent a year with the man I love and he still wanted to stay.

You removed my jacket and just sighed. As much as I wanted to have sex, I didn't even have the energy to think about it. But you knew. You always knew.

You pulled away from the kiss and just hugged me. You hugged me so tight, not saying a word. And I was so thankful. I really needed that hug. I really needed to just feel your arms around mine.

I never knew I could get so lucky. Honestly speaking, I never knew I could ever find a man who just got me. He didn't need me to tell him how I was feeling. He didn't need me to tell him that although I was crazy for him, I just want to sit and cuddle for him. And that's what we did. I went and got changed, you made popcorn and we just sat in bed, in each other's arms until I fell asleep 20 mins into the movie. And of course when we woke up I made everything up to you. And for the rest of that day. Because your body and your skills together is just wow.

Did you just smile? I bet you smiled.

So I hope you're not too upset. I hope you're not dwelling in the past and remembering how I'm gone but the happy moments we spent together. We have years of our special day. Years of wonderful memories.

I just hope you remember them rather than the bad. Because it's memories that keeps things alive.

I love you so much, Andrew,
Speak to you soon,

Love Spencer xxxx