Dear Andrew {COMPLETED}

Dear Spencer,

04/03/18

Dear Spencer,

It hurts. It still doesn't feel real like you're really gone even though you're buried six feet under. I hate the fact that you're there all alone, somewhere dark and cold. I know you don't like feeling cold so I gave you one of Ash's blanket and that way you can have his scent.

I don't know what to say Spence. I can't tell you I'm doing fine because I'm not. I miss you so much Spence. I miss everything about you. And it hurts so much. People say it gets easier with time but I feel like as more days go by, the worse it gets because I spent more days apart from you.

At night I just turn around and stare at where you used to lay. Your hair would have been all over that pillow, your eyes shining bright as they looked up at me. God you are so beautiful. Were...the day after your funeral I woke ready to wrap my arms around you. But my arms just fell onto your pillow that I lay beside me. It still smells like your shampoo.

I hope you liked your funeral. I know you weren't too religious so I didn't want to make it too much of a church service. I played you that song from Shrek. The one you always used to cry to even if you weren't on your period. You said you wanted that song so everyone could cry and when you looked down you would feel extra loved. Why am I not surprised?

It didn't take long to come up with your photo for your service. I knew what photo I loved before I even looked at them. It was when you were pregnant, we were out on a cold day and you had a beanie on (you know cute I found you in them), but we were walking over the bridge and you had the scan in your hand. I stepped back to take a picture even though you said no but you looked so beautiful that day and I wanted to capture it over the river. You told me you wouldn't smile so I had to tell you a joke and you burst out laughing. And that was it.

You were always so happy. You made me happy. The best part of my day was calling you when I had a break and hearing your voice. I've had a chance to read through your letters, and those few voice recordings. I decided that I'm going to tattoo the sound wave of you saying "I love you".

Ash misses you. I know he can't say it but I just know he misses you. He's been restless over the last week and only settles down when I lay him down on your side of the bed. I think it's the scent of your pillow.

On the day of your funeral, I was getting my wallet and thought I heard you sneeze but only turned around to find Darren's younger sister. It was time to go. In that split second I was ready to jump up and cry because I realised how much I missed the little things about you. I was seriously going to turn around and run to hug you. But it wasn't you. Because you're gone.

I love you so much and I always will. I can't imagine waking up to see someone else other than your face, smelling your shampoo as your frizzy hair tickled my nose. No one else is going to fit in my arms as perfectly as you do- did.

I miss you so much honey. I miss you so, so much. I hate cancer for taking you away from me and Ash. We started a family and you should have been beside me while I look down at our little boy and think just how lucky we are.

You say I can do it all alone. You say to raise him the same way I was raised. But whenever I look at him, look into his eyes, all I see is you. He has your eyes Spence. So beautiful and light. I need you beside me. I need you to tell me everything is going to be okay, that no matter what happens we have each other.

I still remember the night you passed. I kinda had a feeling it was going to be that week, that horrible sickening feeling at the bottom of my stomach. We stayed in bed that whole day, you, me and Ash. You practically held him the whole day too. And I whispered how much I love you in your ear, watched you smile and then heard you say the same back to me. When night came, you gave Ash one last kiss before I put him away in his cot. And then we kissed- our last kiss. I kissed the top of your cold head and told you I love you for the last time.

I couldn't sleep the entire night because of that feeling. I just couldn't. But I somehow did when the sun was starting to rise, holding you right to my chest and when I woke up, you just had the slightest warmth to you. I waited to see your chest rise but it never did. I held you when you passed, your last breath was over my chest and honestly, that makes me happy. It makes me happy that you didn't die alone in a hospital bed in a ward full of people. You were in our home, in our bed and in our arms where you'll always belong.

I miss you playing with my hair at night. When I had something on my mind you would hold me, run your fingers through my hair and tell me your bad jokes. I miss you kissing my chest in the morning when you woke up before me. I miss your eyes. I miss your voice. I miss hearing you laugh.

I'm going to do it. I'm going to be a great father and I'm going to make you proud. No one will ever be as great as you, I tell you that now. No one is ever going to make me smile the way you did.

I have to go for now, my love. I'll always be thinking about you.

I love you so much,
Your dear Andrew xx