The Tragic Ending of Us

20-10-17

June 24, 2017. 4:37 AM.

Why would you treat me so bad?

I liked you, and it was so much more than the usual, "I like you." The entirety of our friendship, I liked you. What did I like about you? I liked how you brought out the best in me. I liked how you laughed or you smiled so much when I did something dumb. I liked how even though you're eyes are brown, the dullest color, they still shone brighter than any I've ever seen. I liked how you always felt attacked when I didn't let you cheat. I liked how when I cried that one day, you were the only one to ask if I was okay. I liked how you got so self-conscious when we made fun of your hair. I liked how you made me laugh more than anyone else. I liked how just looking at you could make me feel 100 times better. I liked how you put our friendship before feelings just so we didn't lose it. I liked you, for your personality, for who you were around me, for being you.

You're incredibly perfect, and I'm not... So, of course, you would end up dating my best friend, and of course, you would end up dating the most popular girl in our grade. I helped you get both of those relationships, but why? Why would I do that if I was irrevocably in love with you? I helped you because they made you so much more happier than I could because you deserved to be happy. All I could ever want for you is for you to be happy. Did it hurt watching you be with them? Of course, it did, but it didn't matter because you were happy and I cared about that. Because that's what love does... It makes you want to lose everything for those you care about most...Even if that means losing yourself...

I tried changing into this girl who could meet your standards, who you would like, but I ended up losing myself. I lost who I was, I lost my friends, and I lost my best friend. You weren't there, I needed you, I needed you more than anyone, and you weren't there. No one was there, I was alone. I had to pick myself up, I had to make myself get better, I had to fix what you had broken. And I ended up changing, not for you, not into this girl that you would like. No, I changed into who I wanted to be, I changed into someone I'm proud of. I became myself, and the cost of that? I lost everyone, I lost my friends, I lost my dad. They left because I changed. You changed me. You killed the girl I used to be. You taught her that time after time, everyone was gonna leave. You taught her that no matter how hard she tried, she could never be enough. You took everything she ever believed in and destroyed it. I had to build myself back up, I had to learn how to trust again. And yet when I learned how to trust people, you destroyed it all again. And I've made myself happier, I've met so many amazing people who have helped me get better. Who have helped me become this human who I can be proud of. I became who I have always wanted to be.

December 27... remember that day? That's the day you took our friendship, that I worked so damn hard to keep because you wouldn't. You took all of that, all of our inside jokes, all of our laughs, all of our talks, all of our memories. You took them all and just got rid of them like they were nothing like I was nothing. how does someone recover from that? You told me that I meant nothing to you, that our friendship meant nothing to you... You had given up, on me. And maybe you had given up before that night, maybe you had given up that summer. That summer is one I would love to forget...

May 30, we had another all-nighter, we stayed up all night talking about our dreams. We talked about our future plans, where we were gonna go to college, why we wanted to leave so badly. We promised each other things that night, we promised to stay friends always, we promised that no matter what, no matter how hard things got, we would always be there for each other, that we would never leave each other. We said, that we would travel the world together, you said, you would take me to Disneyland Paris and we would explore together. We would go to all the places no one else would want to go to. We made it sound like we had a future together, didn't we?

You ended up telling me about your feelings for me, and then you asked me if we should wait for school to start back before we started dating. Everything was going great, and then you left. You just stopped, after that night. It was like, suddenly the real world was here, and I didn't belong in yours... You shut me out after that night.
That's when I realized that no one ever stays, that's when I changed. And I needed you. God, I needed you so fucking bad, and you weren't there. It was like you just disappeared when I needed you the most. You weren't there that summer when I was broken. You weren't there that night in December when I had lost two of my best friends at once.

I would drop everything in a heartbeat if you needed me to. I've lost so many people for you, I've lost so many nights of sleep for you. I've lost so much for you, but I could never leave you like you did me. I could never do that to you, I would never want to. Our friendship meant everything to me. And just like you, I put our friendship before my feelings because that's the only way I knew that we would always stay friends. And in doing that, I lost feelings for you, and that's amazing. Because that's all I've ever wanted, I was so tired of being helplessly in love with a guy who would never feel the same. And I moved on. I moved so fucking on that you can't find me in your world anymore...Even if you were looking.

June 24, 2017. 5:51 AM.

20 October 2017

//songs listened to writing this chapter//

Prom Queen- Molly Kate Kestner

The World Is Unraveling- MILCK

//6th chapter- October 20, 2017//