Note: this was not in the prompt and is not particularly a drabble but I sort of had this idea and I want to write it down.
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2.00am, Seoul.
I lie down on my side looking at my phone, checking out social media as I always do before sleep. They say blue light from your phone disrupts sleep, do you know that? I knew about it but I decided to kinda ignore it, anyway it's never been that easy for me to fall asleep.
I sigh, long. I can hear my roomate shifts on her bed. She sleeps even later than me, by the way, and wake up later too. I am honestly kind of amazed with the habit, that's before I remember I have been sleeping in too, recently. I go back looking into my phone, scrolling, opening and closing up apps, wandering aimlessly before I find myself back on Instagram exploration page.
My chest aches a little as I stare at the three by three grids. I've been coming back here for one reason, I have a huge crush on a celebrity I've never met and just like any million other fangirls, I am head over heels with a person who may or may not have his own love interest, and didn't even know I'm existing, yet looking at his photos, smiling and happy, something inside my chest warms up and I become happy too.
If you ask me why with a confused look, I can understand. He looks really lovely in my eyes even though he couldn't really be categorized as handsome as celebrities often are. He's funny and kind, which is probably the reason why he's blessed with fans from all age and genders and it makes me proud for a reason.
I have a peculiar interest in sadness. I think they're beautiful. I was once asked by my friend if I fell in love because I read his stories. I denied it but I know I couldn't lie to myself. Yes I did. I saw that pair of eyes and I saw the pain and... I saw beauty in it. It's just like seeing a tree in winter. They're devoid of their leaves but don't tell me they aren't beautiful. They are. They're so weak, so vulnerable, so tired but when it comes to people, it's truly in that time they are the most human. Fragile but at the same time, strong.
Maybe I just want to see it in real life and be able to do something for it in real life. Maybe I just want to hold those hands and says, "hey I know you're tired, so let's just stop pretending and have a little rest."
Even though it maybe is just a little illusion of mine.
I let my phone rolls off my hand as I stare into the space and talk in a form of prayer silently, God, is it okay to want such person? Can I have him?
And nobody answers me, nobody but a tiny little whisper, saying,
"Why not?"
But you know, he may have had a girlfriend already and besides I have no luck in love and I'm just...
"Who are you to say that? How do you know? How can you dictate someone else's feeling?"
We have never meet and I don't know anything except for what he has been showing for the sake of media's one dimensionality. Besides there are rumors and there are thousands of other girls, pretty and nice girls, lining up, all having the same feelings.
"Yes, but nobody is quite like you."
The whisper goes dead quiet after that. I pick up my phone and stare at the pictures again. I don't save them, no. Neither I diligently post anything nor I openly express my feelings. I am too afraid of them. I am too afraid of rejection, of losing so I simply stare and stare, and pray that wherever he goes he's happy.
And so I take my phone charger and plug it in, place it next to my pillow and close my eyes. Those almond shaped eyes still float in my mind and my chest still hurt a little, but I am happy knowing that perhaps, perhaps miles away, the person I long for is resting peacefully, knowing that he's loved.
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No prize in guessing who.
What do you think about this piece? I was daydreaming when this idea came by a while ago so it may feel a little raw..
