Ang sabi ko ay huling beses ko ng iiyakan ang puntod ng anak ko noong huling dalaw ko. Akala ko ay tanggap ko na. Akala ko okay na.
Hillary H. Klein
Hindi man lang kita nayakap at nahagkan. Hindi man lang kita nakarga. Hindi man lang kita nailuwal sa mundo...
Pinahid ko ang aking luha. The whole world now knows about my past. About me having my child dead. It was my fault, indeed. Ang mga kakaibang tingin nila sa akin na parang diring diri at nakakasuka ay unti unti ko nang natatanggap. Like it's already a part of my everyday routine.
There are two effects of my honesty: positive and negative. The positive effect was my father and I are in good terms now. I knew then that my friends - Cas and Rica - were true to me because they didn't left. They knew but they didn't judge me.
The negative was the fact that I lost Eonji. I lost him through my honesty. I lost him when I needed someone to open myself up.
"You're lying." Mahina niyang sambit.
Umiling ako at patuloy na umaagos ang masasagang luha. Ang mga luhang hindi ko alam kung bakit hindi nauubos.
"Totoo iyon. Eonji, I am not lying. It was a sensitive topic to me because I lost my daughter! Her name was Hillary." Wika ko.
Nanlalaki ang mata niya at para bang isa akong malaking puzzle. "She's dead?"
Tumango ako habang ramdam ko ang sakit ng dibdib ko. Like I am running out of air.
"Yes. I tried to chase Alvin the night he left me..."
"Alvin please! H'wag mo 'kong iwan! Please, nagmamakaawa ako. H'wag mo kong iwan!"
Umuulan ngunit hindi ko iyon alintana. I was standing in front of Alvin's house. Iniwan niya nga ako dahil sabi niya'y hindi niya kayang makasama ako. Hindi niya tanggap na buntis ako at hindi siya ang ama.
Hindi ko siya masisisi. Kahit ako ay hindi ko tanggap. Kahit ako ay ayoko nito.
I preserved myself until the day of my supposed honeymoon because I treasure my virginity. I treasure the holy matrimony. Iyon ang paniniwala ko kaya mas lalo akong minahal ni Alvin doon. Ngunit sa isang iglap ay nawala iyon lahat.
I lost everything in a snap.
Patuloy ang pagiyak ko habang nakatayo roon. Gabi at umuulan ngunit wala akong pakialam. Maybe Alvin would change his mind and come back to me.
Ngunit hindi kasama roon ang abortion. If he ever asks me to abort my baby, I'd say no. Hindi ako papayag. We'll find a way. He'll accept this. Magiging masaya rin kami.
Naniniwala ako na magiging masaya rin kami. Matatanggap niya rin ang baby ko.
Pero hindi... Hindi iyon nangyari. Maghahatinggabi na ngunit hindi pa rin siya lumalabas. Hindi na talaga siya babalik pa sa akin.
Nanghihina akong naglakad paalis. Tinalikuran ko ang gate at wala sa sariling naglakad pabalik ng bahay. Ngunit hindi pa man ako nakakalimang hakbang ay nabulag ako ng isang paparating na ilaw. Maliwanag at bumubusina.
Little did I know, that was the last day I will carry my baby on my womb. I lost her at my expense. Walang araw na hindi ko pinagsisihan ang nangyari sa anak ko. Walang gabing hindi ko iniyakan ang pagkawala niya.
"This is all your fault!" I remember my father shouted at me. His voice was like the thunder during the night I lost my baby.
"If not through your carelessness, hindi mawawala ang apo ko! How could you be so dumb, Gabourey?! You know you are pregnant but you did what?!" Akala ko ay aatakihin sa puso ang aking ama. Galit na galit siya sa akin.
