the soft

medusa

once i thought it was cool

to be cold and unforgiving

to be so battered by the tides of life

that i would emerge stoic and unmoved

and i wanted to be so hardened

that i would seem like an untouchable statue

an idol that people stared at awe at 

a mystery that people would whisper about 

and then the long-longed for change happened

and i felt the bullet enter my brain

hecate brewed a potion for me full of medusa's

venom and i took it hungrily. it was the antidote.

it was the cure. it was the panacea. 

i felt myself grow stronger, grow colder

words passed through me like fish through water

i was untouchable. i was a heroine who survived. 

i was a god. 

but no one told me. that being a god was not easy.

that the most strong and impregnable lived the 

most loneliest life. "don't care," they told me, 

and i didn't. but suddenly out of the tides of emotion

i was lifted and isolated from. and the air has never

been more suffocating than water. 

medusa had numbed it all, all positives, all negatives.

the blood in my veins no longer flowed. i watched it 

crystallize in daggers and harden to gray streaks 

lining my arms. i watched my heart twist into 

a twisted iron hephaestus had cursed. 

the muses called out to me but hades whisked them

away to burn in the depths of his crooked heart.  

i stood looking at a piece of paper and realized i 

no longer had the will or drive to write. i tried 

to begin a sentence but i could not finish

my hand stopped and became stiff as if medusa had

breathed on it and every limb shouted out

"you are supposed to be emotionless! you are 

supposed to not feel! do you want to be hurt again?" 

and i wanted to feel suddenly. i wanted to be alive.

i wanted. to feel human again. to have my whole being

scream with joy and cry with agony. for me to crumble 

and pick myself up again. for me to break down with

a touching video, for me to laugh at a bad joke, for me

to reach out with the blood of the thousands colors and

to burn with the light of a thousand stars. to burn myself

out. to start myself up again. to breathe. to live. to be 

human once again. 

it is so easy to be cynical.

it is so easy to be hard. 

what is hardest is to be soft. 

      - the three months of screaming at myself to feel again

A / N : this is what i've learned in my absence from wattpad. this is what happened. thank you for understanding. i hope to reconnect to you all once again. please come drop by and say hi. i've missed you all. i hope i've become soft enough to write once more.