My Life❤️

Confused

         After the summer holidays, I am really anxious to start a new year with new teachers and a lot of exams. I go to my classroom as usual and check the seating plan to know where is my seat. Suddenly, a really hot boy comes in the class. My heart suddenly starts beating faster and I start to get really hot that my cheeks are probably pink by now. The bell rings loudly bringing my attention away from the boy. I look around the class to see if any of my friends are here but unfortunately, none of us are in the same class. Somehow the class lasts for 3 hours which is so boring and tiring.

Finally, the break starts and I go to the usual place me and my friends hang out. We start talking about our summer and how good it was to take a break from school. School finishes and while walking home, I am constantly thinking about him with a smile on my face. One of my friends, Amy, sees me smiling like a fool and asks me whats in my head. I tell her nothing and I am just excited to go home but I knew she wouldn't believe that. She knows me too well to be deceived by that. So she asks me again saying my name, so I tell her later and go to my home. As usual my mom asks me how was school and as usual I say ok.

        The days come and go really fast and I still haven't got a chance to talk to him. Whenever I see him, my heart starts palpitating and I just get lost in the beauty of his eyes. He is too handsome that sometimes I spend the whole class looking at him. By the next few weeks later, I can't even think about him as I have to study for so many exams per week. Every time I see him, I just randomly smile to him even though he does not notice me. I start acting so crazy whenever he is in my sight. He just makes my day, he is the reason why I go to this school which has almost twenty exams per week like its no big deal, he is my life by now.

           During the weekend, I go to my friend's house and start talking to Jake about school and stuff. He is one of my closest friends ever. We were friends since primary and even our parents are friends with each other. I can rely on him as when I first moved to this school, he was the only friend that I had. We were both with each other during the hard times. So I start telling him about what happened these few weeks skipping the part about the handsome boy. Then we watch a movie together, his hands on my shoulders. That gave me a shudder even though he does this all the time but I have no idea why. While the movie was playing I was lost in my thoughts until he suddenly stood up. Fortunately, he didn't notice that I wasn't paying attention to the movie at all. I stand up only to realize that my legs are numb and I can't even stand, I sit down moving my legs a bit. It is 11:15 pm and I am still at his house which is alright since I told my parents I might sleepover. The next day I wake up and get changed to go to school. While walking, a heavy burden was on my chest. I wanted to tell someone about him, about my feelings, and about my stupid imagination which hurts me every time. I wanted to talk to someone seriously and not just as a story. I couldn't tell my parents yet because I wasn't sure of my feelings yet. I wanted to know whether this was just a fling or was it something more.

Now, every time I saw him my heart just sank in my chest. "Why couldn't I get noticed by him," these voices in my head kept on discouraging me. "Did I actually love him or do I just like him," was the question that I could not answer to myself. Day by day, I became crazier by going through his social media and looking at all his pictures one by one and if he was with any girl, I would get jealous. I saved all his pictures on my phone looking at them during holidays or whenever I was not able to see him. I wanted to talk to him when he was alone even for a minute but he never was. He was always with someone and I was too shy to talk to him when other people were there. By now, I have thought of thousand ways to impress him or to confess to him but I didn't want to do the latter as I wasn't sure if this was real.
       After a year, I started talking to him about random stuff on social media. Sometimes I would call him and talk to each other on the phone. Those were probably the best moments of my life. By getting enough courage, I told Katy, my new friend this year, about him indirectly and asked for her opinion. At first, she thought I was kidding with her but when she saw how excited I got around him, she knew there was something. We made bets with each other that after the external exams, I would go and talk to him. So I did do that, and that was where I was so nervous that my heart was literally jumping out of my chest only that it couldn't. The first word I said was hi and smiled. Then a normal conversation was started or that was what I thought. After talking to him I was literally jumping up and down from excitement. I thought he wouldn't talk to me or just ignore me. I felt a bit better telling this to my friend but only later did I realize who she was when she wasn't taking this seriously and making fun of me. My heart was in pieces. I could not trust anyone then. All of us say that we will be by your side when you are hurt. Where was everyone? Where were those who tell me that they are my first or best friend? No one understands the pain I'm going through, the emotions, the stress that is bringing me down every day, making my confidence reach the ground. I am still recovering from that but I will never forget my lesson. I will engrave the people who have hurt me thousand times and didn't even bother to apologize. Just because I do not tell you anything or get angry does not mean that you are forgiven or even worse that you didn't do anything wrong. Do not take my kindness the wrong way. I usually do not show my sadness unless it is something really bad. Hence I tried my best to overcome this too like all other obstacles in my life. As the days passed by, I tried give up on the boy thinking that he will never like me because he doesn't even know my name. That was the only way I could actually go on with my life and school.

                Sophomore was coming up and I had no idea what to wear. I wanted to impress the boy but at the same time, I did not want to change my style too much.  At the end, I wear a dark purple dress with lace over my shoulders and at the sleeves paired with brown lace up high heels. I put a little makeup on my face with a matte red lipstick. I put my hair into a high ponytail trying to calm myself a bit. I go to the room, filled with music and boys with suits dancing and talking, looking for my friends. One of my friends came to me and we greeted each other.  We started dancing with each other until I see the boy, I automatically smile and my heart just beats faster and faster. I tell my friends that I will be gone for a bit and go near him so we can dance with each other. When I come close to him, my heart just beats faster and faster. I get shy around him and I dont know how to start the conversation and keep it going. So I just dance between him hoping he would notice me and maybe ask me to dance with him. Oh god I was so foolish like girl wake up. There are at least 10 girls dancing around him and he hasn't asked all of them to dance with him. So the party went on and I couldn't do anything with him. I told my closest friend what happened and she scolded me that I only realized this then.