I like to think she might still be with me now if I had fought just a little harder, but I was too weak. She made me weak, but made me stronger each and every day. Only she had the power to do that, and now all I am is weak. There's no more strength left in me; she took it all when she left.
I don't even know how I've lasted four damn months with this constant torture of rethinking about that day... "I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing", as The Script said. Hell, I'm hardly alive.
I've tried to get out, do things that happy people do, things that people who are living do. But it's hard without her right by my side like she used to be.
My friends Luke, Calum and Michael have tried their hardest to encourage me to go to bars and clubs to try and meet girls. Michael said, "Maybe a good drunken one-night stand would do you some good." I got so angry with him, yelling things at him like "How could you even say that?" and "I thought you liked Sabrina and now you want me to sleep with another girl?!"
I had considered it when I was drunk alone one night, and I slapped myself in the face for even thinking it- drunk or not. I couldn't do that to her. I couldn't give love to someone else when I promised both her and myself that my love was only for her. I'd never forgive myself if I break any promise I gave to her, whether we're together or not.
Now I just get drunk, with no purpose. Most of the time, it takes away the pain, that constant ache in my chest where my heart used to be. Right now, as I take numerous swigs of the bottle of Jack in my hand, it's taking away most of the pain. When I start to dwell on her, I take a sip, feel the alcohol burn my throat and course through my veins, and the pain is gone for the moment.
Luke, Calum and Michael come into my room, where I have been cooped away for four months. They find me on the floor, my back against my bed and taking another long swig of my precious painkiller going by the nickname of Jack Daniels.
"Ash, you can't keep doing this." Luke sighs heavily, the three boys looking at me with sad, pitiful eyes. They pity me because I'm a pathetic mess that drowns himself in alcohol.
"Yes I can. See?" I slur, bringing the bottle to my lips and pouring it back to feel that burn on my tongue I long for every day.
Calum huffs and snatches the bottle from my hand.
"What the fuck man?!" I snap.
"Stop this Ashton. Getting yourself piss drunk isn't going to solve anything." Calum snaps back at me. I stumble up to my feet to match his height and I struggle to look him in the eye as I'm seeing two of him.
"It's done something for four months. I don't feel the pain as much when I drink. So if you could kindly give me back the fucking bottle..." I reach to snatch it back but miss and he pulls his hand away at the same time, using my drunken state to his advantage.
"No. No more alcohol for you. You need to get out and experience the world. You've been locked in this room for four months. That isn't good for you."
"Listen-" I take a step closer, but in my eyes he looks like he's gotten further away. "You don't know what it's like to have the love of your life snatches away from you. You haven't experienced the hurt I feel in my chest on a daily basis. You can't feel what I've felt for four months. You don't know what it feels like to have your heart ripped out of your chest and stomped on millions of times, leaving the wound in my chest open and pouring salt in it. So don't try and give me an intervention, or whatever it is you're trying to do, because it's not going to work. I'm nothing!" I yell in all of their faces.
"We just want our Ashton back. The old one, not this broken one." Michael looks at me with sad eyes, whilst mine are still dilated and angry.
"He's gone. He left when she did." I spit, my voice low. I hope to end this conversation and I snatch back my alcohol from Calum's hand, returning to my spot on the floor by what used to be our bed that I haven't slept in since the last time she did.
"Well, that didn't work." I can hear Luke say when they leave my room and close the door behind them, locking me inside to be by myself once again.
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Sorry this is short, each chapter has a purpose, well for the most part haha
Please feel free to leave any questions, comments, suggestions, or thoughts in the comments.
Love you
Xoxo Sabrina
