It hurts to know you’re happy and to face that you’ve moved on
It’s hard to hear your name when I haven’t seen you in so long
Is it possible to hate someone and love them with everything in you at the same time? I'm torn between love and hate when it comes to her. I hate her for leaving me when she said she never would but I love her so much, it hurts.
I never imagined myself without her. Why would I? It was impossible to picture her not in my life. I thought we'd be together forever; we'd made it through so much, I figured we could make it through the rest of our lives. I'd marry her - I imagined myself marrying her countless times and we discussed it. I told her that if she wanted a big fairy tale wedding, I'd gladly give it to her but she insisted on a small wedding with just close friends and family, if we were to ever get married.
It seems crazy, I know, wanting to get married at the tender age of 19, but we are- were so in love, age was just a number and we couldn’t give two shits of how old we are.
I still sometimes talk about her as if she’s still here and none of this happened, and I’m chuckling emotionlessly at myself at the thought. Sometimes, I pretend like she still is here. I look at the spot where she used to sleep in our bed and I smile as I can see her beautiful face. I used to sweep the hairs that fell in her face in her sleep out of the way and gently tuck them behind her ear. Now, my fingers just brush against the pillow where she used to lay.
The boys haven’t come back in my room since they tried to fix me yesterday. Maybe ‘fix me’ isn’t the right phrase; they were trying to get me back? I haven’t a clue but Luke was right, it didn’t work. You can’t fix a broken heart, no matter how hard you try.
I don’t feel bad for lashing out on them, even though I know I should. I know I was right, though; they don’t know how I’m feeling and they never will. I wouldn’t wish this kind of pain on anybody, especially not my best mates. I wouldn’t want to see any of them this broken. I’m broken, that’s all I am.
I can hear voices downstairs and then I hear footsteps coming up the stairs. I can make a bet on who it is and be right.
“Are you sure?” A girl asks from outside my door. I wait patiently for them to come in, looking at the door with expectant and hazy eyes. Seconds later, they open the door and her friends walk in slowly and apprehensively. They’ve come to see me every once in a while, usually leaving angry because I drunkenly told them off but they keep coming back so it’s their fault.
“Hey Ashton.” Lindsay sighs, and Rebecca comes in after her. The boys close the door and wait outside. I feel like I’m in a mental hospital and their visiting me. Hell, I may as well be in one.
“Hi.” I monotonously answer, bringing the bottle of vodka to my lips.
“Still drinking, eh?” Rebecca shakes her head- whether it’s in pity or disappointment, I don’t care.
“Yup.”
“We talked to her today. She called us.” My whole body perks up at the mention. She always called them or answered their phone calls, but never answered mine and she certainly never called me. I’d slightly gotten used to her ignoring me, but I never stopped trying.
“I called her this morning, four times and she didn’t answer.” I sigh. “What did she say?”
“The usual, she misses us.” Lindsay shrugs, and I know she’s leaving out something. She’s always been a horrible liar.
“What else?” I force my tone to be gentle.
“She met this guy about a month ago and they’re together.” Lindsay admits sheepishly, almost afraid to tell me the news. But I don’t react in a way they’d expect. I sit and keep drinking my alcohol, slightly taking bigger sips.
“A new boyfriend.” I laugh dryly. “How is she?”
“She says she’s fine. She sounded a bit off when we talked to her though.” Rebecca says sadly, sounding concerned for her best friend.
“She seems perfectly fine if she can move on so quickly.” I spit, my anger and the alcohol affecting my tone.
“She’s not! We heard him yelling in the background. She says she already moved in with him.” I wince at this. I took her in when her parents and brother died and she lived with me. It was always just me.
“We think he’s a creep.” Rebecca adds.
“Who cares? She doesn’t love me anyway, she can fuck who she wants, creep or not.” I shrug apathetically, even though my chest burns with my words and I wash it away with the clear liquid in the bottle in my hand.
“Ashton, you know she loved you-” Lindsay starts, but I harshly cut in.
“Loved. Like I said, she doesn’t love me anymore.”
“Regardless, you were her one and only and she probably just lost her way in London. We honestly don’t think she’s okay, we’re worried.” Lindsay pushes and I continue to push away all feelings.
“She’s a big girl. She moved to London all by herself, leaving everything behind. Let her date this guy, maybe he’s rich.” I don’t know what I’m saying. I can’t give myself to somebody else because I love her too much but I’m letting her give herself to some creep? It doesn’t seem right but I don’t feel anything and I don’t know better at the moment in my state to shut my mouth.
“Ashton, you and I both know you can’t live without her and you’re gonna sit here and say this shit to us? You can’t even help us?” Lindsay snaps, bringing out that fire and feistiness she’s always had.
“Listen-” I start, but this time, Lindsay cuts in.
“No, you listen, Irwin. You can’t sit here in your room 24/7 and drink away your problems. You need to get out and experience life. You’ve turned into this angry drunk and that’s not who you are. You’re worrying us, you’re worrying the boys and if Sabrina were here,” I wince again at the sound of her name, “she would be worried too.”
“But she’s not here, so get over it. And I don’t even want you here.”
“Fine, good luck with your sad, pathetic life.” Lindsay huffs and storms out, probably to rant to her boyfriend Luke like she always does, but Rebecca stays back.
“Here’s her new number. She changed it so no one would call her unless she wanted to talk to them. She told us not to tell you but I think it’s important if you talk to her, even for a little bit. If she hears how broken you are, she could come back…” She whispers to me, writing a number down on a post-it and setting it next to me. “We just want you back, Ash.” After a gentle squeeze of my shoulder, she leaves the room.
I shake my head, “She’s not coming back.”
I glance at the number on the bright green piece of paper, shove it away and continue to drown my sorrows in alcohol.
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So Sabrina's friends came into the picture... They're all really good friends btw, and Lindsay is Luke's girlfriend so they all know each other somehow. Just a clarification...
Please feel free to leave your questions, comments, suggestions, or thoughts in the comments! And please vote, votes mean a lot to me and so do comments, I love feedback.
Love you
Xoxo Sabrina
