Silence » a.i

3.0

Ashton gathered us all in the living room. I sat next to him, holding his hand; Michael laid across the smaller couch as usual; Calum took the recliner; and Luke sat next to me, his back against the arm with his feet pulled up on the couch.

"Why do we need to be here?" Michael wondered irritably from the other couch. "We know everything."

"You don't," Ashton stated. He took a deep breath before speaking up. "I didn't kill Jeremy, but I'm part of the reason it happened."

Calum pulled his dark eyebrows together, "Part of the reason?"

Ashton nodded, "I've had so many episodes since I lost my memory. Most of them brought me to Cooper's old house for reasons I couldn't figure out. Jeremy was the only person that was ever there. I'd told him things that made him question if he was sane or not. I'd ask him about things he saw - like Mikey showing up and then disappearing. I told him he was a freak and people thought he was psychotic. Because I said it, he believed it. So...he overdosed."

I let out a hiccup of a sob, and realized I was crying. My brother overdosed because he thought he was insane. I thought I was insane at one point, but Ashton convinced me otherwise. It was a sad irony that he convinced my brother the opposite.

"I didn't know what I was doing," Ashton insisted as he tilted my face up to look at him. "You know I wouldn't say anything like that if I was me -- really me."

I nodded, "I know." I managed to get out.

I knew Ashton turned into a different person when he had episodes. I had to understand he wasn't in control of himself. And for the most part, Jeremy seemed fine now. If Jeremy was able to forgive Ashton, I had to. I took a deep breath and tried to stop crying.

The next time he talked, he wouldn't make eye contact, "Would you hate me if I told you that's not the first time someone's killed themselves because of me?"

"We already know." Luke said quietly.

Ashton looked up at him. He looked like he might cry or throw up or both, "But you don't know everyone."

"I thought it was just Chelsea and a few other kids?" Michael asked, sitting up now.

I didn't know Chelsea had killed herself because of Ashton, I thought she just got arrested because of him.

He shook his head, unable to look at his friend, "It gets worse."

"Who?" Calum asked. "You can tell us, Ashton."

Ashton used his free hand to rub at his eyes, his head tilted down. Almost inaudible, he choked out, "My family."

"What?" Luke gasped.

"Someone broke in!" Michael shouted. "I saw it! Ashton, you blame yourself for a lot of things, I know, but killing your family wasn't your fault!"

"It was, Mikey!" Ashton yelled, looking up as tears streamed down his face. "I was alone! That's when the episodes started. After I died and I had to see my family all happy and alive and I had to act like I was okay. But I wasn't. And they would grow and live on without me. I couldn't take it!"

"But...I saw it..." Michael whispered to himself.

Ashton shook his head, "I made it look like someone else. I didn't want them knowing their own son killed them. I felt like an asshole afterward - even worse than that. And it sucked because I couldn't get rid of the memory! I can't kill myself. I'll just wake up where I died."

"That's why you wanted to erase your memory," Calum said quietly as he pieced it together. "Not just because you had the memory of them, but because you had the memory of you killing them."