The Monitor Masquerade

Level 21

GraceKelli's POV

The hardest thing about Taylor was him not knowing what to do in situations of me panicking. He'll start to panic too. My back hurt, but I kept pushing myself into the counter trying to put as much distance between us as I could. We held eyes contact for a while. He didn't move, he didn't say anything, he didn't do anything. He didn't question it. Did he hear it? Did I say it? Am I dreaming? Could I have fallen asleep? Was Taylor still on his way? Was he at the door knocking? I wished he would knock louder so that I could wake up. But I knew I was awake. I knew I was here and I knew that I had just said I love you to him.

To Taylor.

To Prince.

To a stranger I knew everything about.

Finally he started to back away. "How about we eat something Kelli? I was looking up how to help with anxiety and there was this thing I found called HALT, and it stands for hungry, angry, lonely, and tired. Like everything seems worse when you are hungry, angry, lonely, or tired. And you said you haven't eaten in a while so maybe we'll just eat and play a video game until you feel a little better okay?"

Maybe he didn't hear it. Maybe I was panicking over nothing. Maybe this war going on inside me was pointless. But then why did I still feel like I was going to die? That my heart would beat so fast that it would just stop beating all together. He opened the lid to the soup and brought it towards me with a spoon. I looked at it unable to do anything. I felt like I was going to throw up. I felt like I couldn't breath. I looked into Taylor's eyes. They were moving fast, darting all over my face. Why was her nervous? Was he regretting coming over here? Does he feel like he's baby sitting me? Is he trying to find a quick way to get out? I slowly put my shaky hands on the giant Styrofoam cup. Taylor didn't let go. I ignored the spoon and brought the whole thing up to my mouth and took a sip. As soon as it hit my stomach I realized how hungry I was. I took my hands off the cup so that he was holding it again. I kept my eyes away from him. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" His voice was intoxicating. For the first time I clearly heard Prince in his voice. Maybe it wasn't so weird they were the same person after all.

"Drinking out of the cup."

"That's okay. I don't mind. Do you want me to put some in a bowl for you?"

I was regaining my breath. "No I can do it." I grabbed the cup. I felt weak and the cup felt heavier than it should have been. I carefully poured it into the two bowls. "What did you get?" I said feeling the warmth of the soup consume me.

"Chicken fried rice, you want some?" I looked over at the giant box then to him.

Hair. Eyes. Jacket. "Your jacket is still on." It was his leather jacket that he had always worn. I daydreamed about that jacket being around my shoulders all the time. And here it was. In my house. With Taylor.

"Oh yeah, I was wondering why it was so hot." he laughed a little as he shrugged it off. He put it lightly over a chair. He was wearing a plain t-shirt. Something stirred inside me. I wanted to kiss him. No. I wanted him to kiss me again. Softly. On my forehead and nose and on my lips.

"I'm usually always wearing a jacket cause I'm always so cold." I put the bowls on the table and went back to grab spoons. Taylor was pouring rice onto a second plate. We caught eyes.

"I figured you would want some." For some reason I smiled. He smiled too.

I looked away. "Have you been on Ammo lately?"

"Probably not as much as you. Amber is having my ass on plate if it kills her. I've been doing damage control."

"I told you to end it like a month ago." I put a napkin down before the fork and spoon so that they wouldn't touch the table.

"This is a pleasant surprise." He came and put the plates down.

"What it?" I went to get cups.

"This is the most we've ever talk in person."

I kept my eyes to the ground. "Maybe I'm just warming up to you?"

"Maybe. Or you realize that I'm not going away."

I stopped. "Taylor-"

"I'll stop being cheesy. But if you get you say you told me so with Amber I at least get to say I told you I would date you."

I blushed. "Did you hear me?" I turned to face him. My palms were starting to sweat and I felt a wetness under my arms.

"What do you mean?" His voice was softer.

"You fucking did didn't you!"

"Kelli don't yell I'm not upset."

"FUCK!" I turned around and put my hands into my face. I heard footsteps and felt his arms wrap around me. I stopped breathing. "You heard me." I whispered, tears rolling down my face.

"It was bound to be said sooner or later."

"Later would have been better. Or never."

"It's good that you said it."

"You didn't."

"What?"

"You didn't. You didn't say it back. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!" I pushed away from him. "Of course you didn't say it back! Why would you? Why would I ever say that! Why?! Why?! Why?! Of course you don't love me!" I saw my phone and darted for it. I called Anya. She didn't answer. I kept calling and calling and calling, but she wasn't there. "PICK UP THE PHONE." I called her again.

"Kelli it's okay she's out with Andy remember?"

"I'm sorry." I called again and again.

"What are you sorry for? Kelli nothing is wrong."

"I was being stupid and I said that and that crossed a line and now you feel overwhelmed and now you want to leave but you aren't going to leave because you feel obligated to make sure I'm okay and now I'm crying and shaking and panicking and no one wants this and I know no one wants this because it's crazy and I'm crazy and I don't-" I couldn't speak anymore I was breathing to heavy. I was gulping air. I was hyperventilating to a whole new level. Taylor rushed over to me.

"Kelli! Kelli breath okay? It's okay I'm right here I'm not going anywhere."

I sunk to the floor as a tried calling Anya again. "I'm sorry." Taylor sat down next to me. I impulsively buried my head into his shoulder. He wrapped his arms around me.

"Hey it's okay. Just breath." He started running his fingers up and down my back. "In and out Kelli, in and out."

"I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry.."

"I love you too."

I'm dreaming.

I'm dreaming.

Knock louder Taylor. Please knock louder.

I tensed. Everything in me tensed.

"What?" I could barely make him out through the tears in my eyes.

"I am in love with you Kelli." His eyes for the first time were steady. He looked grounded, like a strong tree. Like I feel right before a big competition.

I couldn't help myself.

I kissed him.