Heart Attack | Jerrie

8 | Confessions

Perrie's P.O.V 

You might be friends now, but you'll destroy it sooner or later

You're nothing

Why did you eat that slice of pizza again? You should be ashamed.

She'll never like you like you like her. 

And suddenly, I woke up. It wasn't something new. Hearing voices I've never heard before telling me what I wanted to hear, things that were the truth. I hated myself. And even now that I was friends with Jade, it didn't stop. Not like I expected it to, but most people on the internet said that love can heal a lot, but they were totally wrong. Nothing changed and I felt even worse than before. I had new scars, that I didn't tell Jade about. I hadn't eaten since yesterday when Jade and I went out for lunch. I haven't told her about my eating problems, but I guess she knew already by the way I always didn't want to eat when we had a sleepover and she ordered a pizza. 

It's been now two weeks since Jade apologized and we were friends again. Things overall were great, so why did I feel even more dead inside? I didn't want to get help and I guess Jade thought she was already helping by being there for me. Yes, it was helping. But it didn't let my demons go away.

My mum was now gone for two weeks straight and I had no idea where she went. I called her friends and they told me she told them she was on her way back home. But that was now one week ago and she still wasn't back home. 

I literally was going crazy, still am. Zayn and I were still in a relationship but in the past four weeks we've been dating I got to know him really good. I found things out Jade didn't even know and he was her best friend. Whenever he took me with him to his friends from another city, we ended up drinking until we were drunk. I must admit, it kinda helped me to forget the pain, but not always. One night I ended up cutting myself while being drunk. The sad thing was: I didn't regret it the day after. Last night Zayn and I were drinking again, but this time I didn't do anything to myself, I just called Jade while being drunk. Thankfully I didn't say anything inappropriate, but Zayn seemed to be jealous and I was honestly wondering about what because Jade and I were literally nothing. But when Jade picked me up because she was worried about me, I understood why he was being the way he was. Jade though wasn't mad at Zayn because Zayn told her it was a one time thing. Sure it was. 

Now I was sleeping in my bed, or let's say I was until I woke up. Jade was also here, but she sleeped on the floor on a matress. I told her it was okay if she wanted to sleep in my bed with me, be she refused because she 'didn't want to take advantage of it' whatever she meant by that.

"Good morning.", I suddenly heard Jades voice. 

"Morning.", I mumbled. I was still tired. But not just tired, but tired. If you understand what I mean.

"You okay?", Jade asked. I hated that. She always did that. I get that she was worried but she literally asks me everyday if I am okay. Probably because I always lie to her and tell her everything is fine when in reality it's not and she wants me to admit it because she knows.

"I don't know.", I just answered because I literally didn't have any motivation for this conversation. "Jade?"

"Hm?"

"What did you mean yesterday by you didn't want to take advantage of me?", I asked point black. Maybe she thought I wouldn't remember, but I did.

"Nothing just-"

"Jade, you hate it when I lie to you about my well being, so please be honest with me yourself. Otherwise this won't work."

She sighed, "Alright, but this is going to get really embarrassing."

I looked at her questiongly, because I literally had no idea what was coming now. 

"You must know that, from the very first moment I met you, I liked you and I thought we could become good friends. And I don't even know what it was that made me feel so attached to you until I saw you and Zayn together. Perrie, you must know that I like girls and boys.. And.. That I like you." My eyes widened. I could see how terrified Jade was to tell me that and I literally didn't know what to say because I couldn't be with her. Not because I didn't feel the same, but because I did feel the same. My life was too complicated, too dark, to have someone like Jade next to me. With Zayn it was easy, I didn't love him and I always got to drink to take my mind off of things. With Jade, things would get serious and she'd find out everything, but she wouldn't be able to safe me. No one is able to safe me and I didn't want Jade to like someone like me. Someone that couldn't even like herself. Jade was just going to get hurt and I didn't want that. 

"And I know you're with Zayn and you're happy, but I thought you should know and I really hope this won't change anything between us."

"Of course it won't!", I said instantly. "It's just-"

"You don't like me like that, I get it."

No, the truth is: You don't get anything.

Later that day Jade went back home and I met up with Zayn and his friends. We were going to go throw our own little party in the woods. I was drinking a lot and I got really drunk. I got so drunk to the point where I was a wreck and couldn't even tell apart what was real and actually happening or what was made up in my own mind.

I  just wish I wouldn't have drank that much that day.

Everything would have been so different.

I would have been able to fight it. To at least do something.

But I didn't.

And that's when I started to hate myself even more than I already did.

That was my breaking point.

//

A/N
I'm sorry that this chapter is only about 1000 words long, because I actually intended it to be longer :/ I also am sorry in what kind of direction I am going because I know that this can be very traumatic for maybe some of you, which is why I didn't write the actual part where it was happening. I hope you all know what happened at the end, if not it'll be officially revealed in the next chapter.

Honestly guys, I'm not sure how many chapters are still to come because there is a possibility that I can finish this book in about 2-4 more chapters(?) but I wanted to know what you guys think.

Also I wanted to remind you of my new fanfiction called Ruin the Friendship which I released today! There is only one chapter so far because I said I will release a chapter for this book and RTF always on the same day and since I released a chapter of RTF today, I wrote this one for you now. So when chapter 2 of RTF comes out, you'll have chapter 9 of Heart attack :)

byee I love u guys ❤