Nightingale (Sequel to Solider Boy)

Twenty-Nine

Whoever said words will never hurt you was a fucking idiot. Bucky decided this as he came to, his world made up of only shapes and shadows. His memory was a bit blank, but as Steve's concerned and grim face came into view, Bucky didn't need his memories to tell him what happened.

They'd tried again. They'd failed again.

"What'd I do?" Bucky asked, his voice sounding more like a croak.

"Nothing," Steve said instantly. "The restraints held this time."

"Great," Bucky thought, finally noticing the heavy, tight straps across his legs and arm. "Is anyone going to free me at some point?"

Steve blinked. "We wanted to wait until you were fully awake," he said even as he stood up and began undoing the restraints. "You where still fighting pretty hard, even after they put you out."

"What?" The straps slipped off his legs and Bucky groaned, swinging his legs over the edge of the stiff bed. Pins and needles were moving up and down his legs like a colony of ants. Part of him wondered if it was Scott's idea of a joke, but he was too tired to move.

"Well," said Steve as he freed Bucky's arm. "I just think you were having another nightmare, but the doctors wanted to play things on the safe side."

"Nightmare?" Bucky echoed. "What makes you say that?" Normally, when they knocked him out with drugs he didn't dream. The sleep the medicine put him in was too deep for that.

"Well," Steve rubbed the back of his neck. "You were talking about the Nightingale again. You only do that when you have nightmares."

Bucky's heart dropped into his stomach. He had been dreaming and he didn't even remember it. Well at least he didn't remember it yet. His memories were always fuzzy at first, when he came out of brainwashing. They took a few hours to fully come back. Whatever his dream had been about, it had involved Melody.

"You remember it?"

"No." Bucky leaned back against the wall, feeling sick. Melody had only been gone for a week, but it didn't feel like it. Any moment, he half expected to see her walking through the door and requesting his chart. "I don't remember. Not yet anyway. My mind is still fuzzy."

Steve sat down next to him and leaned back against the wall as well. "We'll get it next time Buck."

"Yeah," he groaned, head throbbing hotly as he shut his eyes. The beeping of the machines didn't help either. Bucky hadn't noticed them at first, but now that he had, they were almost unbearable. 

"Do you dream about her often? The Nightingale?

Bucky opened one eye to look at Steve. "I never said they were a woman." Had Steve noticed something? Put the pieces together about him and Melody? The thought made Bucky feel cold. The very last thing he wanted to do was discuss her. 

Steve shrugged. "It was just a guess, I don't think many guys would get a name like that."

Bucky's panic subsided a moment. "That's fair."

"So, do you?"

"Do I what?" Bucky asked, deciding to play dumb. He couldn't bear to talk about Melody-even if Steve didn't know that was who they were discussing. Bucky missed her so much. Not every moment of every day-it wasn't that constant. It just came in waves.

"Do you dream about her often? The Nightingale?"

Bucky grit his teeth. No one else ever called Melody that. The way Steve bandied about the phrase grated on his nerves. Steve talked like it was nothing, like it meant nothing but he was so wrong. "No. Steve, please stop talking about it. I don't want to talk about this." 

"Alright."

"Really? You're letting it go that easily?"

"Try not to look so surprised," Steve said with a brief grin. 

"Giving up isn't your usual style." Bucky commented, grinning himself though at the moment he didn't much feel like smiling.

"It's not giving up," Steve shot back, crossing his arms. "It's just...letting you come to me, talk about the Nightingale or whatever else on your terms."

Enjoy disappointment, I'll never talk to you about the Nightingale. Melody had asked him not to say anything about their relationship, or rather their previous relationship to Steve or anyone. The past-tense phrasing sent a stinging sensation through Bucky's chest and he shut his eyes again, hoping the gesture would looked more tired than pained. 

"You alright?" 

" Fine, just tired and sore." Both of which were very true, though the dull aches radiating through his body were nothing compared to the empty feeling in his chest. "Long day."

"We'll get it next time," Steve said and his voice rang with so much certainty. For a moment, Bucky almost believed it. That was why he'd followed him all those years ago, back before Hydra and before he'd become the Winter Solider. The scrawny kid who'd never could never back down was what people followed, not Captain America. 

"It won't be long now," Steve continued, his voice still carrying that completely faithful strength. "Just hang in there a little while longer."

There was a bit of a pleading edge to his voice and Bucky didn't need Wanda's powers to know what was going on in Steve's head. He was afraid. "I'm not going to give up."

"Really?" Bucky opened one eye, catching Steve's puzzled expression and his suddenly very alert, almost tense posture. He guessed it was the same one he wore when Steve said he wasn't going to push him about the Nightingale. 

"Yeah, really. I'm a ticking time bomb if I stay as is. I'd hurt people again, maybe even people I love. I can't do that again. I won't be that again."

"No you won't," Steve agreed, clapping Bucky on his shoulder. His friend smiled, content for a moment before he opened his mouth again. "What'd she say to you anyways? Mel, when she showed up she said she'd talk to you about the lab, what'd she say?"

Shit. Bucky closed his eyes again, feeling that empty place in his chest twist, reminding him of the heart that had been there a week before. 

"She just asked if I was okay living like this, and the more I thought about her question, the more I realized I wasn't." A bold-faced lie, but Bucky couldn't tell Steve the truth, nor could he tell him a half-truth. 

"She's a smart girl."

"She's brilliant," Bucky corrected even as he sighed, wincing as memories started playing in the back of his mind. "You mind keeping it down for a bit? I'm exhausted."

"Course," Steve muttered and Bucky rested his hand over his chest, trying to drift back to sleep. Though his mind was mostly cleared of the sedatives, he still felt them in his system and right now, he welcomed sleep. At least then, the odds were good he wouldn't have to remember Melody. Right now, with the combination of another failure and how much he missed her, Bucky only had so much strength left in him. 

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