her;
"You were a thief.
You stole my heart."
- PINK, Just Give Me A Reason
"Name?" the man in a loose suit asked as tears dropped on to my small hands. I was currently assigning a funeral for my dead best friend. And let me tell you, I haven't slept or stopped cryng for the past two days.
"Matty." I whispered. "Matilda Elizabeth Rose." I coughed as my sore throat began to pulse. The old man in front of me wrote down everything on a piece of paper out of a little kids notebook. Now, her parents would be here, but they said they couldn't handle it. They pleaded for me to do this and I did. For Matty. For my dead best friend.
I felt like utter and complete shit. I had been ignoring Lucas, my family, and I let my best friend take the easy way out. How do you go on with life knowing you broke the biggest promise ever? How do you continue smiling through pain like this? Let's just say I always thought Lucas would be the one to rip my heart into shreds, not Matty.
"Ma'am?" the man scrunched his eyebrows together. I flickered my eyes towards him and shook my head.
"Sorry." I muttered.
"How old was she?" he asked letting out a soft, quiet sigh.
"Sev--" I coughed again. "Turning seventeen, sixteen I guess."
"Okay, now since the parents aren't here, I'm going to need you to hold off on the picking of the tomb's design and caskets as well." he folded the notepad back to the front cover and sat up quietly.
"What if they refuse to come?" I sniffed.
"Well, then we choose random." he answered.
"That's not fair to her though."
"It's how it works, sweetheart." he smiled and I shook my head. Snatching my bag from the chair, I swung the door open.
"My best friend is dead, but you have the nerve to be a total jackass to me?" I let out a sarcastic chuckle. "I hope you burn in hell."
Snapping my head back forward, I slammed the door loudly. I marched my way out of the building, down the street, and to a taxi. "May I help you, young lady?"
"Bring me to 55 Brakers Street. Please." the young man nodded before stepping on the gas. He kept looking in the review mirror every time I wiped underneath my eyes. It was pretty damn obvious I was choking up because of the small muffles I let leave my throat.
"Heartbreak?" he questioned staring up into the review mirror.
"You could say."
✗ ✗ ✗
I wasted my day away in the woods, trying to figure everything out. From Matilda's death to Lucas. I was beyond confused and hurt and sad and scared and everything else you could think of. I was about to lose it. And I know that if I tried to do the same as Matilda, as in kill myself, she would hate me. She wouldn't want me to do it just because of her so of course I wasn't going to do it.
To be honest, I didn't want to. I was afraid of dying. I was afraid of taking my last breath alone. I was scared to death about how it was going to happen. So no way in hell would I do it myself. I really didn't understand how Matilda pulled through it either knowing it was a giant sin to do such a thing in her house.
I was still so surprised she went through with it. And to know it was for a boy as well made me feel sick. I didn't even know if Ben even knew what he did to a life. It was stupid of her, I had to agree, but she was in love, for the first time to be exact, and ended up giving her whole heart away. She didn't even have anyone to help her pick up the pieces. Not even me.
I was too damn busy focusing on Luke. I was busy with school and maddie. I was busy with myself and trying to put my damn life together. I was too busy for her and that's where I screwed everything the fuck up. If it wasn't for Lucas, that's all I keep think at least, then maybe she wouldn't be dead and everyone would be happy.
You see it was all my fault. Everything was my fault and I take the blame. I just don't know how to take the truth that Matilda died in my arms. The arms of her best friend, promiser, liar. She could've died by herself and I bet she would be ten times happier at that time then to have me crying and being a royal mess around her when I already knew it was my fault.
With another restless night of just wondering around the small town, I slowly returned home. As I walked my way to the front door, I saw a tall, slender boy sleeping on my roof. I let myself smile only a bit until walking inside the house. Climbing my way to my room, I made sure to keep quiet since my mother and Maddie were sleeping. But once I made my way to my room, I threw the bag off my shoulders and on to my bed. Traveling to my window seat, I opened the window and looked down at the boy sleeping with a small smile on his face.
I knew that I couldn't handle Matilda's death, school, and a boyfriend at the same time. I knew that I couldn't have any time for him and I definitely knew that I couldn't be hurt by a boy, especially Lucas. So I admired him for the last time. His jawline, his lanky limbs, his lips, his hair. Every inch of him because I knew that would be the last of him.
I walked my way to my desk and took out a sticky note. Scribbling down on the note with my sloppy handwriting, I made sure that it was neat enough for him to read it. Placing the pen down and rereading the note over and over again made me choke up again for the tenth time today.
As I walked my way to the window, I noticed the sun was beginning to rise again. So, in a quick fast pace way, I placed the sticky note right next to him. I hoped that the tear stains wouldn't soak the ink and walked my way back down the stairs and outside, to the front lawn is where I stopped and looked back at the boy. Curled up in a little ball, smiling in his sleep.
I truly wish I didn't write the note and woke him up just to kiss his lips, but I knew that it was too late. I've already done enough damage and I couldn't hurt him as well.
"I love you, Lucas."
=========================
a/n im so done with
myself i cant nope
im so done with these two
im so sorry ugh
- A
YOU ARE READING
crimes.
Fanfictionyou like me, don't you? i don't want to. © playlist luke hemmings (really old, kinda cringy.)
