The Bucket List

Chapter three

Chapter three

Aaron-

The body does something incredible when it's under too much pain, it goes blank, dark, out like a light. It temporarily numbed the pain, made you forget how you had been screaming just moments ago. It dried your tears and stopped the painful vomit, but it wouldn't last.

I realized this when I woke up, the bone crushing split in my head hitting me so hard I feel vomit immediately force from my throat. I don't bother screaming, it doesn't help. But I whimper, curl into a ball and sob. I was so tired of hurting. I was tired of this. I was tired of the pain that was so bad it had me throwing up. I longed for the moment my body decided enough was enough and everything went black. Maybe I really did want to die. To forever be free of pain.

No, I wanted to live. But I wouldn't get to. It wasn't fair! I wanted to live! I wanted to have my eighteenth birthday, I wanted to get my drivers license, I wanted everything all the other teens were getting. Why was I dying?

It felt like hours until my head felt manageable and I opened my eyes. I hadn't even noticed I was in a hospital. The white rooms reminded me of my room except for the cheap painting of a forest on the opposite wall from the one I was against. An IV was attached to my arm along with a heart monitor.

What killed me the most, was that the room was empty. No mom, no Toby. I couldn't expect a healthy teen to hang around dying best all summer. Had my mom finally snapped and abandoned me to live her life?

I hated self pity, but it was basically the only thing I could muster. I couldn't hold onto hope when it had been crushed by a simple brain scan, and I couldn't hold onto love because I couldn't cherish it, I didn't have the time.

Gripping the sheets, I pushed myself from the bed and almost immediately fell to my knees. God, please. I hadn't even felt the ground when I fell, had I really gotten that worse? In a panic I reached for the pen that nurses always kept on the tables and pushed it out. I hovered over my legs and ignored my heart monitor speeding up with my heart. With a breath, I brought the pen down into my foot. Relief and pain overwhelmed me all at once. Placing my hands on the rail of my bed, I struggle to lift my heavy legs up and find my balance. It took multiple minutes for me to stand.

I wobbled to the bathroom slowly, one step at a time. When I came to the bathroom, I shut and locked the door. The front of my gown was soaked with my vomit and my mouth tasted of it. The nurses hadn't even helped clean me?

With shaky fingers I pulled at the knots of the gown, letting it fall to the ground. I almost cried. I was a shell. Basically nothing. I was clearly under weight and my skin was an un-natural color. Heavy black bags rested under my eyes and my eyes seemed lifeless. I hated it. I would die from starvation before my cancer got me. How long had I been out? I reached for the plastic toothbrush and tooth paste desperate to get the taste from my mouth.

I brushed my teeth twice but the smell and taste of vomit refused to lighten or disappear. My eyes snapped to a white bag beside the toilet. My mother had been here.

I dug through the bag and pulled out my own sweats and shirts, but I longed for Toby's. Pulling out my shampoo and body wash, I carefully slid myself to the floor and turned on the water. I kept it cold and let it pelt me for a minute before I started to wash myself, pausing when I felt as if I might have an attack.

I felt proud when I was clean and dressed. I was proud of myself for doing what I hadn't on my own in so long. But my heart ached. I wanted Toby. No, I craved him.

Taking a breath I returned to my room. My empty room. The smell of vomit still lingered in the air making me feel sick. I tugged my IV and monitor carefully with me to my bed. At first I was tugging the sheet off but then I felt anger rip through me and started to rip at it, tossing my sheets to the ground and crawling onto the plastic mattress. I felt drained and in pain. They couldn't even give me a little morphine?