because of you » a.i. [EDITING]

7: silence

ashton wouldn't leave. we stayed sitting there in silence before ashton broke it. something about the silence was comfortable and i found myself enjoying it.

"why do you hate everyone?" he asked for what felt like the hundredth time. i guess i didn't really hate everyone because i truly loved my mother and my nan. although i didn't see my nan a lot, when i did she made my day better. out of all the people i knew, she is the only one who can make me genuinely smile.

"because i want to die." i simply said it as if it was nothing. despite all of my wishes, deep down i knew i didn't really want to die. every time i attempted to take my own life, i pictured the local news covering my death and my whole family blaming themselves. there was nobody to blame but me.

he didn't say anything. my hands were supporting me, my palms flat on the ground. i wanted him to tell me i wasn't annoying or rude and, for the first time in my life, i wanted somebody to hug me. i wanted to cry my eyes out and i wanted to be held. but these requests were all about myself, i could give no thought to what ashton wants.

"why don't you like touching anyone?" he asks me, but i feel as if he already knows the answer. sometimes i wonder if i know exactly why, or if i just put it down to human contact. i wish i wasn't like this, i know deep down there's a person inside of me who likes to be hugged.

"i just don't like human contact." at the same time as i said that, his hand wrapped around mine. my throat went drier than the Sahara almost instantly and i felt a certain sense of security.

i was going to pull away but he gripped it tighter. he made it impossible for me to get away. i didn't want to. in this moment, i wanted to feel a prick of emotion. i didn't want to cry anymore, i wanted to feel happiness.

"ashton." i warned him. he had no idea what he was getting himself into. "you don't even know my name." i reminded him, knowing full well how much i could hurt him if i hurt myself.

"and?" he shrugs his shoulders, trying to hold eye contact with me.

"you shouldn't be here." i mutter.

"why?"

"i'll break your heart." i said truthfully. there will be no way that i won't break his heart, it's the only possible outcome i see happening.

he stayed silent for a moment before answering.

"maybe i'll break yours." he smirks, squeezing my hand within his own.

"it's already broken." i glumly mumble. i know i don't make much effort to at least sound happy, but i do try at least.

he stays silent again. maybe i always have him at a loss for words.