Ten Letters To Cassidy

Letter Eight

Dear Cassidy,

I'm not sad anymore, but I'm not happy either. You see Cassidy, I'm not wallowing in my own depression anymore. Although, every time you cross my mind I can feel the pang in my chest. But I don't feel like the world is ending anymore. I feel like I can move on. I'll never forget you, I don't know how I could. But I'm not going to let your death swallow me whole.

I'll tell you why, Cassidy. I met this guy, and that's all it boils down too, right? That's all it really takes, a guy to look your way and tell you he thinks your cute. And suddenly you find yourself smiling and giggling. I'm not happy, but now it seems like I can be happy. I haven't quiet reached that point, but I can see it now.

I'm telling the truth, I'll carry your death with me for the rest of my life. But I don't have to let it drag me down, and I won't. I'm not ready to say goodbye yet, I'm not ready to stop crying and mourning you. But I'm almost there.

I cried like a baby yesterday when that Sara Bareilles song came on the radio. God, I just cried and cried. It felt like the world raining down on me. Do you know the one I'm talking about? The one you obsessed over, you obsessed over all her songs. This one went a little like this:

This one's for the lonely child

Brokenhearted, running wild

I pulled over to the side of the road and just let the song play.

You may find yourself in the dead of night

Lost somewhere up in the great big beautiful sky

Funny how that was the first time I drove a car after your death and it plays that song. It just hit home, a little too hard.

This is so you'll know the sound

Of someone who loves you from the ground

I just sat there and let the dam break. I cried for a good long time after the song finished.

Tonight you're not alone at all

This is me sending out my satellite call

I wish I could have told you that you weren't alone. That you could trust me and that I'd help you. I wish you knew that you weren't alone, that I will always be there for you, I would always be there for you.

But I can't go on regretting it all, can I? I have to move on, right? I wish I could tell you goodbye, face to face. I wish a lot of things could have happened before you died, but you died right on impact. At least you weren't in pain, that makes me feel better.

Love,

Riley