Ten Letters To Cassidy

Letter Four

Dear Cassidy,

I don't know what to tell Riley. She seems so lost. I'm lost, but at least know how to find my way. I don't think Riley can. She's tumbling down a dark hole with no rope to pull her out. I wanted to reach out and yank her back, but I think she's fallen too far.

I'll pull her back, I won't let this destroy her. Riley, she's going places, I know it. She has such a bright future and it seems dim now, but it'll get brighter. She seems to only think of now, and she can't ever think of what's ahead. She gets too caught up in the moment.

I seem to have the opposite problem. I can't ever think of what's happening now. I'm always wandering what I'll do next year and what I have to do to get to this and if I'll still want this in a few years. It's always about the future with me. I wish I could just stop time and bask in the moment. But time waits for no one, right? I don't want to be swept away and miss my life, but it all seems to be flying by.

I can still remember that first day I saw you in school and the first guy I ever kissed. I can remember it all, but it seems like such a far away memory. Sometimes I'm not even sure that was me. Maybe I was just watching from another's eyes. Or perhaps they were just dreams, fantasies that I could never have.

When I think like this, when I get so deep into my mind, I lose myself. The world swallows me whole and I get caught up in the moment. And I'm scared. I don't like deep thinking, before it was what I lived for, but now...it uncovers secrets I just don't want to know.

You probably think I'm being whinny, right? That at least I'm still alive. Well I don't feel alive, I feel like I'm a shell. Walking around and pretending to be something I'm not. But I still smile, I'm an actress, all I'm doing is putting on a show. Put on a big smile, say I'm fine and laugh a little. That's all it take to fool them.

Did you do that? Were all those careless smiles and jokes just pretending? You were hiding from us, weren't you? You didn't want to tell us, you wanted us to think you were happy and you weren't. What now, we go on blaming ourselves. Saying if we had just known, saying if maybe she told us then we could have saved her. Is that how you wanted us to live for the rest of our lives? Wondering about the what ifs?

Love,

Savannah