I hate myself for loving you (zarry)

Chapter 17

Harry is slowly waking up from his slumber. As he opens his drowsy eyes, he finds himself asleep on someone's chest. He looks up, to find Zayn looking at him with a fond smile, "Morning babe." Zayn says in a gentle voice.


"M-Morning." Harry blushes and looks away from Zayn's beautiful hazel eyes.


Hearing Zayn chuckle, he blushes even more. 'Pull yourself together Harry!' He mentally scolds himself. He looks up at Zayn again even though he still has a blush on his face. "Do you um, do you want something to eat? I um, I'll make breakfast." He lets go of Zayn's warm body and instantly feels cold and empty as he sits up.


"Aww, aren't you a sweetheart? I'd like to have waffles and omelet." He winks at Harry. "I need to use the toilet." He says as he gets up from the bed and runs to the bathroom.


When Zayn is gone, Harry hears a buzz coming from underneath the pillow. Confused, he reaches for the pillow and takes the buzzing device out. Turns out, it's Zayn's iPhone and Gigi is calling him. He's not going to answer it, it's Zayn's phone after all. The call ends, but just when Harry is about to put the phone back, it buzzes again. This time it's a text from Gigi asking Zayn to meet her at the Coffeehouse for breakfast. He cringes at the sweet words in her text. Zayn is not going to ditch him and have breakfast with her, right?

He hears the bathroom door open. He immediately tosses the phone underneath the pillow, and turns to face Zayn with a small smile. Zayn smiles back at him.


"I'm going to make breakfast." He gets up from the bed.


Zayn walks to him and kisses his forehead, making his heart flutter.


"Okay love." Zayn murmurs and picks his white t-shirt up from the floor.


Harry goes to the kitchen and starts making breakfast.


When he puts the plate of waffles and omelet on the table, Zayn walks into the kitchen in his black jersey and blue jeans. It seems like he's planning to go out. Harry tilts his head in confusion. He's about to ask why Zayn is dressed up, but gets interrupted by Zayn.


"Sorry love, I have to go out. I'll be back soon, I promise." Zayn says and gives Harry a kiss on his cheek.


Harry feels his heart sink to his stomach, he knows that Zayn is going to meet Gigi. His heart clenches as he plasters on a fake smile and nods.


Zayn gives him a smile and kisses his forehead before walking to the door.


He stands there, staring blankly at the spot where Zayn was before. He hears the front door open and shut, indicating that Zayn has left. He numbly averts his eyes to the breakfast on the table. He slowly sits on a chair. Picking up the knife and fork, he stares at the food in front of him.


He should have known that nothing would change between them in spite of having sex last night. He should have known that nothing would change between them even though they are having a child. He should have known that nothing could stop Zayn from being with Gigi.

He should have known. Zayn is straight, Zayn will never have feelings for him. This morning, in his room, whatever he saw and made him feel like there was a tiniest bit of chance that Zayn loved him back was just a perfect illusion. Zayn will never love him back. What the heck is he dreaming about? What happened last night was just Zayn being nice and trying to help him out, because he was acting like a desperate, cheap slut, begging Zayn to fuck him.

And Zayn being Zayn, a nice and wonderful friend, of course helped him out. He feels like shit for using Zayn's kindness.


When will he learn?


When will he ever learn? When will he stop dreaming about someone he will never have? When will he realize that they are just best friends, and he will forever be in the friend zone, nothing more and nothing less?

Even though they're going to raise a child together, they are just friends. And, Zayn will never love him back. This is when he realizes that he should move on. He shouldn't be pining for someone who will never return his feelings, someone who will marry someone else someday, and when that day comes all Harry can do is fake a smile and congratulate them.

So, why can't he just let go? He is the kind of person who tends to keep himself from getting hurt but when it comes to Zayn, he has never cared how much pain he receives from the unrequited love. But now the pain is getting too much for him to bear. He knows it's time for him to let go. He should let go of the feelings he has for Zayn. He should bury his young love, his first true love. He should leave it behind and never look back.

He should, no, he must do it. He can't let himself dream about Zayn anymore. If he doesn't move on, he'll go insane, or worse, what if Zayn starts suspecting? He can't let that happen, he can't lose their friendship too. He can't bear them not being friends anymore, on top of not having Zayn's love. He just can't.

It's time to let go.


"From now onwards, Harry Edward Styles is over Zayn Javadd Malik." He tells himself.


A teardrop falls on the waffles in front of him.


"Oh, look baby, it's raining today." He puts the knife and fork down and puts his hands on his stomach, murmuring to his unborn child with a weak smile on his face.


He doesn't realize he is crying.

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