He Loved Me First ✓

He Loved Me First (12)

Chapter 12

Thanks to Felicity, I knew what the code was to get in. There was a lady already in there, due to the assigned hours everyone had. I genuflected on both knees and kneeled in the first pew. It felt like forever since I had done this very thing. The last time was at a retreat my freshman year of high school, seven years ago. It really was forever.

I didn't know what to say. After pushing God away for so long, after saying I didn't believe in Him, here I was, kneeling at His feet. What could I say? What could I ever do to make up for that? The funny thing is, I didn't feel condemned. I only felt loved. I felt safe in His arms. I started whispering, “I'm sorry” over and over again. Hot tears ran down my face, blurring my vision. I didn't care. I felt like Saint Peter probably did after denying Christ three times. I was the one condemning myself, the one who had pierced my own heart with my disobedience and disbelief.

When the tears stopped, I heard a soft voice say to me, “I love you.” My eyes softened as I looked upon the Blessed Sacrament, and my heart did too. I poured out my heart to my Lord and my God, who was truly present before me. I made an act of contrition...a few times, then prayed all 20 decades of the Rosary. I knew it was due to Mary's intercession that I was back here again, and that it was my family, including Felicity, that had been praying to her for this.

I prayed that I would be granted the faith to always see Him around me, that I would never doubt again. Felicity had been right in the fact that I had been fooling myself this whole time, but I never wanted it to happen again. I thanked God for my life, this day, and for the faith that had found me once more. I prayed that I would see myself as He did, with a spirit of humility and accurate self-knowledge.

Before I knew it, the lady that had been there with us was gone, and another had taken her place. Soon another took the place of that one. Three hours had gone by and it felt like it was just a few minutes.

I opened up the Bible I brought with me. The first verse I read was part of 2 Kings 3:7, “I will be as you.” I took these words as if Jesus spoke them to me. He will be as me, human. I knew that I was taking the verse out of context, but somehow I wanted to keep the meaning that had come to me from just those words. The Word became flesh and died upon the Cross, for me. “I will be as you,” for me. I was having trouble fathoming just what this meant.

I closed the Bible and opened it back up randomly. I knew this didn't always work if I wanted to hear God's voice, but sometimes it did. I landed on John 10:24, and read through verse 30, “The Jews gathered round him and said, 'How much longer are you going to keep us in suspense? If you are the Christ, tell us openly.' Jesus replied: 'I have told you, but you do not believe. The works I do in my Father's name are my witness; but you do not believe, because you are no sheep of mine. The sheep that belong to me listen to my voice; I know them and they follow me. I give them eternal life; they will never be lost and no one will ever steal them from my hand. The Father, for what he has given me, is greater than anyone, and no one can steal anything from the Father's hand. The Father and I are one.'”

How I longed to be one of His sheep! But perhaps I already was one. It seemed like He had left the 99 just to chase after the one that went astray, me.

I randomly opened the Bible once more and landed at Proverbs 3:1, which read, “My child, do not forget my teaching, let your heart keep my principles.” After all that I had gone through in the past few hours, and all that I was now accepting once more, I wanted more than anything for this to be me. I didn't want to forget His teaching and I wanted my heart to keep His principles. I prayed for the grace to do this.

When I finally thought I was ready to leave, I looked at the closed Bible in my hands and opened it to the cover page, where my sister wrote her name neatly on the “Belongs to” line. At the very bottom of the page was written, “James 4:17.” Curious, I flipped to that verse, which read, “So for one who knows the right thing to do and does not do it, it is a sin.” Before I could actually read the verse, however, I had to move a sheet of notebook paper out of the way. I wondered why the paper was there, and unfolded it. It was a letter to me from my sister.

Ollie,

You know what the right thing to do is,

deep down in your heart. Don't ignore it. Please.

I know that God has big plans for you, and I'm excited for you to realize them. As Saint Catherine

of Siena said, “Be who you were made to be and

you'll set the whole world on fire.” We can set the

world ablaze together, but only if you stop fooling

yourself. Stop lying to yourself, and start listening

to the Voice of Truth. You're always in my prayers.

God bless,

Sister Alice

“Be who you were made to be and you'll set the whole world on fire,” I whispered to myself. “Wow.” That was exactly what I needed to do. I left the chapel feeling like I was flying. I didn't remember ever being this happy before. It was truly amazing. I went to my dorm and somehow came down enough from my spiritual high to get to sleep.

The next morning I literally ran to Felicity's dorm to tell her just what had happened to me last night. I knocked on her door and hugged her as soon as she opened it. “Well, hello to you too,” she said with a smile, hugging me back. She took a good look at me and asked, “Are you okay, Oliver?”

“I'm fantastic,” I said. “Thank you.”

“For what?”

“The CD's. I got to listen to them last night.”

“You did? And you liked them?” she asked. I knew this whole thing was going to be such a shock for her.

I laughed. “Loved them. Well, okay, so I only listened to part of the first one. They changed my life.” I then proceeded to tell her exactly what happened.

“Oh, Oliver!” she hugged me tightly. “I knew this day would come! I am so happy for you!!”

“I'm happy for me too.”

“So, does this mean you'd be up to going to Mass with me tomorrow?” she asked.

“Only if I can get to confession today,” I said.