Flickering Shadows

Free Time (Chapter 2)

FREE TIME

IN THE REC room is where most of us spent our free time, when we weren't in therapy or chained to our beds. Since I was free all day, I figured that my entire day would be spent here, or at least until I could escape to my room without creating suspicions.

           The room is large with pastel blue walls and white, plush carpeting.  Posters on the walls urge patients to 'share and care' and to 'be respectful'. These are intended for the younger children, although there are a few older guys who refuse to share the old Playstation2. There are many people here my age, my age group-14-17-makes up the majority of the patients in the pediatric ward.

           Do any of them want anything to do with a notorious family killer? No, of course not. I wouldn't want to be my friend either.  It would be a bit easier if I had a diagnosis to share.  Right now, doctors aren't sure what I have.  Bipolar Disorder and Schizophrenia are their top two possibilities, but they have also considered severe posttraumatic stress disorder, and an uncommon illness called intermittent explosive disorder.  Due to my unwillingness to speak about what happened in my childhood, they haven't been able to nail anything down.

           It's just like high school in here, it's incredibly cliquey-people with similar diagnosis's clump together.   The equivalent of the "popular" clique would be the depressed patients, because depression was the most widespread and least serious illness there was.  That was the general rule, the more serious and uncommon the disease, the less popular you were. If it turns out that I was schizophrenic, I was socially screwed.  There wasn't another person in here with it, it would only be me.

           I sat in the too soft bean bag chair in the corner by the bookshelf.  I would read a book. As I looked at the shelf, my idea became less easy to execute.  Our bookshelf consisted of stuffy classics and Dr. Seuss. The doctors thought fantasy and science fiction would generate some bad feelings and ideas. I thought about it; there would probably be one idiot who became obsessed with Twilight and go around biting people.  I chuckled to myself; that would be a horrible, but hilarious, sight.

           I decided to read Sense and Sensibility-one of the better classics.  I had read it before; read meaning, here, that I stared blankly at the pages and secretly eavesdropped on the conversations going on around me.  No one would ever guess that I knew every dirty detail going on in any given person's life.  Luckily enough, Carissa and Amanda, the two most popular girls in the ward, sat down on the floor just a few feet from me.  From what I had gathered so far, they were talking about guys.

           Of course all romantic relationships were prohibited in the hospital, but that didn't stop anyone. Ways around the staff's watchful eye were always being invented. Those inventors were almost always Carissa and Amanda. "Ugh," groaned Amanda. "I'm sick of the rules in here! What does it matter if we get into relationships? I doubt that'd hurt us in anyway. It's bound to happen whenever you put guys and girls together, that's a known fact."

           "I know right?" Carissa agreed. "I'm sure that it would make loads of us less depressed.  To have someone to listen to me and give me hugs to cheer me up, that would make me feel much better. Then maybe I could get out of this dump." Her voice got on my nerves quickly. It was high and nasal. It made me want to punch her in the face, not that I would. I mean, people were watching!

           They both sighed longingly, and a silence fell.  "Oh! Guess what I overheard the nurses talking about last night?" Amanda suddenly shouted.  It must have been something important, I had never seen Amanda's eyes look that way. Instead of their usual glazed over, dead look, they were suddenly open wide and burning with excitement. 

           Carissa understood that it must be big news, and her face lit up too, alive with curiosity.  "What is it?"

           By now, even I was curious.  I tried not to stare at them, and "focus" more on my reading.  "A new boy is being transferred here! Apparently, his old place, wherever that is, was overcrowded and he wasn't getting the attention he needed...so he's coming here on Monday!"

           I could see why this would excite Amanda. She had been longing for a new boyfriend for weeks now.  It was obvious to me, as well as everyone else, that she wouldn't be happy until there was a guy in her life; and that is why most guys shied away from her. They didn't want to be the reason she hurt herself when they broke up. But Carissa's face fell, slightly. "Oh, well, good luck with him."

           "What?" Amanda said in shock, yet an underlying tone of happiness was blatant. "You're just going to give him to me before you even see him?"

           "Brandon and I are celebrating our two week anniversary tomorrow. I don't need another man when I have him. I love him!" Carissa sniffed.

           I couldn't stop myself from snorting loudly, too loudly. Both of them glowered at me; Carissa demanded, "Something funny?"

           "Oh...just this book..." I said, nonchalantly.

           It was Amanda's turn to snort, and then she raised her eyebrows skeptically, "Sense and Sensibility, funny?"

           "Yeah. Have you read it?"

           They gave me that look. That look that made you want to jump off a cliff out of embarrassment.

           I blushed and turned back to my book.  They stood and pranced away mumbling, "Can't trust her with anything..." An immense longing washed over me, wishing that that wasn't true.