Flickering Shadows

Good-Bye (Chapter 27)

Good-Bye

I had never felt so dead in my entire life.  All meaning was gone; what was the point of life?  I had no reason left to live it.  Dylan and my relationship had become even more strained. We hardly ever spoke, although we lived under the same roof.

           One day he tried to bring up wedding plans. "So...when is the new wedding date?"

           I slammed my glass down hard on the counter.  "How can you even think about wedding plans at a time like this?" I demanded angrily.

           Dylan wrapped his arms around my waist. "Lucy," he said gently. "It's been three months."

           "So?"

           "I understand you're grieving and all.  I know it's hard to lose a child.  But...I think it's time that you let go of her."

           "What?" I shrieked.

           "I'm not saying forget her!" he corrected hastily. "But I think that it is time to move on with life.  You cannot spend every day moping around."

           "Move on..." I stated flatly.

           "Yes." Dylan said. "Lucy, I'm trying to help you, but you keep pushing me away."

           I looked away from him. "We haven't had sex in almost a year, but that is the least of my problems." he continued. "I can't remember the last time you kissed or even hugged me.  Worst of all, you haven't said you love me in so long, I can't even remember when it last was."

           Had I really been that awful to him?  It never occurred to me that I had done anything wrong.  Dylan cupped my chin in his hands. "The girl I love is in there somewhere, and I want her back.  I don't like this angry, depressed Lucy.  I don't want to marry that one."

           I closed my eyes and nodded.  He pressed his lips softly to mine for a seconds and then he was bounding up the stairs to bed.

The next Saturday morning we decided to visit Reagan's grave site.  It was an overcast day, almost guaranteed to rain. We bought a dozen roses at the florist and set off.  The graveyard was about a half hour away, and the silence burned between us.  Dylan put on some classical music, but it did no good.  It felt like I did not even know him anymore.

           At the cemetery it started to rain.  Dylan whipped out his umbrella, but I insisted on walking in the rain. I had always liked the feel of rain on my bare skin and in my hair.  I sat down in the soggy grass, not worrying about my dress and how dirty it was getting.  I babbled on to Regan's grave like she was sitting right there with me.  Dylan stood there awkwardly. "I'll give you a minute." He mumbled.

          "Reagan, Daddy wants me to move on and let you go.  He wants me to forget you.  But I can't! You're my baby.  I miss you."

           I cried softly for a while until Dylan said it was time to go, because the storm was growing worse.  I sighed and got into the car, soaking wet.  We drove home in silence. Nothing could change my mind now-it was made up.  I knew exactly what I wanted to do.

Nighttime was my least favorite time of day.  Everything was quiet and peaceful; it reminded me of Reagan's cold, dead body beneath the ground.  It was also the time of day that stretched on the longest.  Considering that I never slept well anymore, if at all, it stretched on forever.