Bad Liar

Chapter Eighteen

-Alice-
I twirled the coarse white fabric between my fingers, gently tracing the stitches, my tired eyes transfixed on each movement that passed through my index finger and thumb.

"Alice, it's time to go." The door clicked open and dad stood there, water droplets catching the fluorescent strip lighting and glistening in an odd way against the fabric.

Sliding of the bed I greeted him at the door of my treatment room, wearing clothes that smelt like alcohol, sick and bonfire, we silently walked to the car.
The silence between Dad and I seemed to create a void, like we were stood so close yet there was so much distance between us that only words could fill.

The trouble was, neither of us had the words to fill it. To create that bridge, the bridge that would bring us back together. Even if I did speak, the words were more likely to burn more bridges than they could ever create.

The silence continued until tea time, for the first time in months we sat round the table as a family. There was chattering and laughing, cutlery scraped and clinked and I sat there doing nothing more than pushing the food around my plate. Every now and then someone would steal a worried glance at me, but quickly they'd turn back away smiling smiles that cut right through me.

"Oh my Christ." Mum dropped her cutlery on her plate with such force I was sure she cracked the plate, heads whipped round and looked up at the door and quickly smiles beamed throughout the room.
"My baby." Mum threw her arms around his shoulders, one by one everyone leaped from the table and hugged the body that had been missing from the family for so long - too long.

"Alice, hey scrap." Slowly I brought myself over to the door, silence smothered the room and weary looks were exchanged between mum and dad.
"Lee." I mumbled quietly, which was quickly followed by a sequel as my body was lifted up in the air and spun round. My laughs echoed through the silence, causing a rippling effect soon everyone else was laughing.

The first genuine laugh that had been heard in this house in months.
~
"So Lee's home." I sighed, sinking into Chris' chest. I watched the world outside, admittedly I had no clue where we were but I presumed he did. We'd sat here for hours, we slept and talked, we had sex. Non of that was nothing new, except this time the sex wasn't passionate and rushed, it was slow and loving we weren't letting our bodies tell one an other how much we wanted them. We were telling each other how much we needed the other.

Now we were curled up under a blanket, no clothes, nothing separating our skin.

"Is that not good?" He questioned, tracing little patterns on my arm, fingers dipping in and out of scars and free skin.

"I'm happy he's home of course I am, but so much has changed and I don't want him to see that." I sighed gently. Lee has left one war zone and stepped straight into another, both uncompromising and harsh, both long, drawn out and painful. Both never seeming to end.

"Al he's your brother, what's happened isn't going to change anything." I lightly shook my head against his chest, feeling his stomach tense as my hair tickled his skin.
"I don't want to talk about it anymore, let's just enjoy this." There was no verbal response all he did was pull me closer.

~

Top right of the 3rd, centre of the 7th, bottom left of the last. I silently made my way up the stairs, avoiding every creak. Slipping my shoes off I crept along the landing to my bedroom even more silently than coming up the stairs. Quickly I threw off my clothes and put my pyjamas back on before going to the kitchen for a much needed glass of water.

"Where have you been scrap?" Lee's voice, all though a whisper, seemed to be a scream and caused me to jolt with fright and slam my body into the counter.
"Do you mind, giving me a fright like that. Idiot." I snapped, grabbing a glass off the side trying not to drop it with my shaking hands.
"Well then where have you been?" Ignoring him I quickly filled the glass and turned towards the door, which was now being blocked by Lee.

"Alice tell me where you were." He  pressed again.
"It's none of your business now let me go to back to bed." I snapped. I watched as he tried to keep his face hard and stern before eventually it faltered. His shoulders relaxed and he let me past, I felt his fingers graze my wrist lightly before they tightened.

"I'm not letting this drop." His face was stern again, his eyes suddenly dark and I feel something fearful creep up inside me. We stood, frozen like this for no more than a few seconds only disrupted by a flooding of light into the landing.
"What's going on." Quickly, we both turned our heads and saw dad stood by his bedroom in that stupid pink dressing gown.

"Nothing, I'm just going back to bed." I sighed, glowering at Lee as I walked across the hall, sharply shutting the bedroom door behind me and letting a shaky breath escape my lips before collapsing down into the plush fresh bedding mum had to made sure to put on before I came home.
~

"Is Lee home?" Bex asked as we walked through the school gates the following week. School had given me leave for the rest of last week as they were being increasingly concerned about my mental state and how they could keep me safe. I hadn't really seen Bex much whilst I'd been off, I spent the majority of my time hiding away in my room away from the happy laughs of my family.

"Yeah." I sighed, wanting something to suddenly bring an abrupt end to the conversation.
"You don't sound so happy." She questioned lightly.
"It's just odd having him back, he's been away for so long the dynamic has changed." We weaved through busy corridors that seemed to stretch for miles.
"It'll get easier though." I furrowed my eyebrows at Bex as I tried to think of a response. In the end I gave up and shrugged my shoulders wanted to end the conversation.

"Bex can I have a word." I twisted my body round to see Chris standing by his office door, I patted Bex on the arm and told her I'd catch her up before crossing the path of bustling students and slinking into his office.

"Hey." I whispered, compared to outside the office seemed deathly silent, like too much noise would shatter the calming atmosphere.
"How you feeling." He questioned, sitting down at his desk, he lent forward with his elbows on his knees and hands resting under his delicate chin.
"Okay I guess, tired." I halfheartedly replied. His piercing eyes scanned over my face and narrowed slightly, but it was enough to show me he didn't believe me.
"Tell me the truth." He pressed, my eyes bounced round the room for a few seconds before settling back on his face, eyebrows raised slightly in anticipation and his lips parted as if he were thinking.
"I just feel numb and empty if I'm honest. I have done since I got out of hospital." They had altered my medication slightly whilst I was there, I had to see 3 on duty members of the mental health team and they all came to the same conclusion. I was too tired at the time to oppose hugely to the decision, I merely nodded my head silently in agreement and let them carry on writing notes.

"Have they altered your meds?" I nodded my head, not in the mood to talk this morning.
"Do you think your okay to be in school?" Our eyes locked, it was his way of letting me know he'd know if I was lying, but also telling me it was safe and okay to be honest.
"I'd rather be here than at home. At least here I'm busy and round people."  He nodded his head, believing me.
"If you start to get overwhelmed, come and find me. I'll email your teachers and say if you just leave a lesson that you'll be coming to see me. My timetable is stripped right back this week, so if I'm not in here I'll be in my classroom. Is that okay?" The corners of his mouth upturned lightly, hoping that everything would be okay.
"That's fine. I'm fine." I stood up and he mirrored my actions, opening the door for me and as I slinked out we lightly grabbed hands. This private and tiny show of affection felt like it was a screaming alarm, soon everyone would be running to see our affection.

To see the affection that more than anything in my life is so right and pure, but to everyone else is blacker than sin.

—————

Hey guys, sorry I've been away a while. I've had a severe mental health crisis and was hospitalised for a little while. But I'm back and better now.

I've missed you and hope at least some of you are still reading.

Love you x