Bad Liar

Chapter Nine

~Alice~

The mental health team came down and spoke to me, it was a very short conversation or maybe it wasn't, I didn't listen. They tried to send me to a councillor but dad told them they were taking me private.
The team, the doctor, mum and dad had a long discussion on how to keep my safe before I was cleared and allowed to come home, so here I am curled up on the sofa under my duvet blankly staring at the TV and scrolling through my phone or drifting in and out of a dreamless sleep.

"Hey kiddo." Nance sat down on the end of the sofa by my feet and I shuffled up facing her.
"Hey." I reached out and muted the TV, regretting it as I overstretched my arm and a sharp burning pain shot through my over extended limb.
"How you doing." Nance began drawing little circles on my bare calves under the duvet, I sighed wanting to lie and say I'm fine but knowing there would be no point.
"Stupid." She looked at me quizzically, urging me to go on.
"No one was meant to find out, it was just my little way of coping but now everyone knows. I have to face everyone every day now they know, I have to face them all knowing that I failed." I was surprised I wasn't crying, I was just too tired.
Nance looked me dead in the eyes, uncertainty washed over her face and her mouth set into a deep frown.
"Al this ain't you, this has turned you into someone miles away from my old baby sister. We can help you fight this now, we can help you get better." The look of hope on her face was the only thing that made me want to cry, she actually thought I was going to get better, she actually thought I was going to try.
Maybe I had to let them think that, that's it. I have to let them think I want to get better I have to do it for them.
"I want to, I want to get better I'm tired of feeling this way." The deep frown on Nancy's face turned into a soft smile that I mirrored in a further attempt to reassure her.

"Look at my two favourite girls." Mum announced as she walked into the room, Nance and I rolled our eyes but deep down we loved how much mum and dad doted on us, how protective maybe even over protective they were with us all, boys included.
"Nancy aren't you meant to be helping your dad change the barrels?" Mum asked standing behind her, one arm resting on the sofa arm the other on her hip, Nance groaned and slumped down on the sofa folding her arms like a toddler.
"Oh go on." Mum nudged her arm, Nancy got up muttering under breath and walked out of the living room leaving me smiling lightly.

"You want to have a bath?" Mum asked looking down at me in my huddled up, duvet swamped position.
"I can't really can I, but I feel rank." I sighed I hadn't had a shower in four days and it was starting to take its toll and make me feel worse than I already did.
"I'll help you yeah?" Mum asked looking at me softly, I nodded and got up of the sofa my stiff bones cracking and creaking as I moved into the bathroom.

I got undressed and sat in the bottom of the bath, knees pulled up my chest tightly, feeling incredibly vulnerable. Mum came in and started filling the bath with water around me stopping when I got half way up my shins, she grabbed a jug from the side scooping up some water she told me to tilt my head back and she poured it over my hair.
Mum washed and conditioned my hair the whole while making small talk, "Right take this, I'll be stood right outside the door." She handed me a razor then left the room leaving the door slightly ajar, the urge to smash the plastic all over the floor and rip out a blade left my skin itching like bugs crawled all over me, but I knew I couldn't do it I knew I'd just have to find another way.
Mum came back in and seemed proud I didn't harm myself with it, she took it away presumably into her and dads room, they don't think I've noticed all the razors leaving the bathroom how the kitchen knives have now been tucked away in the corner by the fridge out of sight, but never out of mind.

Mum brought me a fresh change of clothes and told me to come into the kitchen when I was change of clothes so I did. I pushed the door open while replying to numerous texts asking why I wasn't in school I simply replied "Been really sick the last few days should be back in soon though x" looking up I saw Bex sat at the kitchen table a beaming yet apprehensive smile on her face and for some bizarre reason seeing her, just seeing her face brought tears to my eyes. In the moment I didn't think about all the things I'd loose, I didn't think about about all the faces and the smiles I would never see or the voices I would never hear again.