Two Years

Jade - Chapter 18

He talked to me. He actually talked to me. I was still sitting there, staring straight ahead, barely listening to the lecture. I froze, and I couldn't help it. Lawrence had that effect on me. It was disconcerting, really. Class would finish soon and I still didn't know what to say to him, if anything. That's what the boy with the beautiful voice did to me.

I was hopeless.

He looked different today. Alive. I'd walked in as he talked to the pretty redhead who always wore the Greek letters and got nervous about it. Jealous, would be the right word. So I walked out again and took a few deep breaths, tried to calm down my beating heart. I didn't think she was his type, but the thought didn't help anything. I mean, she was too bubbly. But I guess I didn't know him. He was smiling at her so I knew he liked her. He was usually so reticent.

I tried to pretend like it didn't bother me, but it did. I had no right to feel jealous. I really didn't. Not with the redhead or the blonde form the coffee shop or anyone he could ever have any interest in.

So I disregarded Lawrence like I so often did and talked to Jared, my safety blanket. Part of me felt bad, wrong even, but I couldn't help it. I had to prove to myself that I could reel in my stupid jealousy and still function. That I could disconnect my emotions from my actions. But if I was honest, I knew it wasn't jealousy. It was deeper, worse still. It was rejection. Two years worth of it.

I felt his stare. It was powerful. I'd been feeling it for the past few weeks. In fact, I'd grown to recognize it a mile away. The moments when he sat next to me, the feeling intensified. It was as if my neck would burn from it. I stole a glance, just a little one, and when my eyes met his for a second, my heart stopped. He was smiling. The beauty of such a gesture on his beautiful face was incredible and unreal. I smiled at his beauty. I wondered if he knew how breathtaking he was when he smiled. He was always beautiful, but when he smiled he was radiance, effulgence and everything magnificent. I wished I could bottle it up.

Then he said, "Hi," and all my barriers crumbled. All my carefully built walls fell around me and I was left vulnerable. "Hi," I said knowing I wanted to say so much more but not having the words.

And that's how I ended up frozen in my seat. Because maybe he did remember me after all. And maybe I still wanted him to remember me like I remembered him.

~