Two Years

Lawrence Chapter 3

"I need to talk," I said to the cold phone in my hand. I made this call about ten times a week and never really felt bad about it. Dad always made time to talk to me, but I knew he had things to do. His voice never faltered, though. He never made me feel like I was wasting his time. His advice was always sound. His love always palpable. It was just what I needed.

"What's keeping you up, son?" Son. He always said it, but it always took some getting used to.

"I saw someone from my past," I said and cringed. "A girl." My fist formed with a strength that sometimes scared me, but I needed to talk. It was embarrassing to have this talk with him, but I didn't want to talk to anyone else about it.

"Who?" he said, cautiously.

"Jade," I said quickly, afraid he would think it was someone else I was hoping to never see again.

"Are you sure it's not Tess—"

"I'm sure," I said. I didn't want to bring her up ever again if I didn't have to.

"Okay, just asking," he said. "Am I supposed to know Jade?" He sounded tired. It was late. I could hear the girls in the background making noise, too excited for bed. "Oh," he said, and I could almost see the lightbulb light up. "Are you sure it's her? It's been a long time, son." He knew about her. I'd told him about her from the start, but I never took his advice. I regretted it back then, but I had another chance now. I talked about her for a year before I decided to stop and just think. Just think of her, keep her in my mind, in my heart, in my soul.

"I'm sure. She's in my English class."

He laughed. "The class you were going to drop?"

"The very one." He laughed a hearty laugh. The one I loved hearing.

"Didn't I tell you it would be good for you?"

"Thanks to you I didn't stop it. She sat next to me. I don't know what to do, Dad. I feel scared with her, vulnerable, a little nervous. I can't explain it, but I don't like it. I don't like feeling this way." I never had trouble with girls before. Girls came and went. It was a fact of life. They were there when I needed them, and gone when I didn't anymore. It was different with Jade. She made me nervous. She was too real. Too good. She was different than the rest and I didn't know how to act around her.

"Kid, you have nothing to be afraid of. Just be yourself, talk to her, get to know her this time. You've been given another opportunity with her." He laughed again, a fatherly laugh. "Don't waste it."

"How do I do that? It's easier said than done, Chad." His name slipped, like when I said bad words near my mother, but it was too late to take it back.

"Oh, you're calling me Chad now? I'm Dad to you, mister."

"Yes, sir." I laughed this time, a hearty laugh, the one he taught me I still had in me. The laugh that made me feel like myself again. "Dad, it's not easy being me."

"Good things are never easy, Law, but they're always worth it. If she's as smart as you've made her out to be, she'll like you." Carmen was softly speaking in the background, and I could just make out Emmy's little voice. "Besides, these are the best years of your life. College years, son. Don't waste them by feeling scared and unworthy." The girls were still talking and laughing and I smiled just thinking of them.

When Chad took me in all those years ago, Carmen had been dedicated to making me feel like I belonged, like I was important, like I was loved. Emmy had been just a few years old back then, and now she was ten years old, going to gymnastics class and getting ready for sixth grade.

"Tell Carmen and Emmy I say hi. Miss those girls to no end."

"They miss you too. We all do." They asked me to move back in with them almost as soon as I moved out. They missed me, they said. I missed them too, but it was the next logical step for me to take. Three years with that amazing family had not been enough for me, though. As much as I missed them, I had to make it on my own. I was only sixteen when I met them, and I had learned to love them like if they were my own blood because they had shaped my future when I didn't have one. So I left Reno, even if it meant leaving the only family I knew, and the only girl I loved.

"Hey," Dad said, "did you ever think you'd see her again?"

"Not in a million years."

"Funny how things are."

"Yeah, funny." We hung up soon after, and I was left to my own devices and my own mind.

I needed to think. I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I had been fine the past two years, I really had. I kept a steady job. I talked to people. I went to class. I got laid on occasion. I got good grades. I paid rent. I had it all.

But I didn't have her.

I never had her.

In fact, I'd convinced myself I didn't need her.

The night was dark and so lonely, just like me. I didn't want to be alone tonight. Not tonight of all nights, but I was.

She was still on my mind. Her long silky hair was the first thing I saw when I closed my eyes. Her perfect brown eyes haunted me. Her sweet smile destroyed me, and I couldn't handle the confines of my apartment in my mood. Staring out into the neon lights that seemed so far away yet so close, I allowed myself to think of her.

I'd never really allowed myself to think of her before, not really. I'd see her in my mind, but like an encased piece of art, covered, protected.

Unattainable.

I never thought I would see her again. I always imagined she stayed in Reno. Imagined her life, as if time passed by faster for her than me. In my mind, she graduated college—with honors, of course. She met a nice guy, the best one, and she married him in Hawaii or Jamaica, somewhere nice and tropical, and they had beautiful children, and she was happy. So very happy. Of course now I knew that hadn't happened. Not that I knew of, at least. She didn't have a ring on her finger. I'd looked.

Having her far away had been better to some degree. Much safer, at least. Reno was good. Reno was safe. It was far, and with it so would she. UNR was a good school, and she was smart. And thinking of her far away was much, much better.

Jade was just the kind of girl that stayed with you, in your mind, in your bones. And if I had any sort of talent I would write songs about her or paint her over and over again, just trying to rip her from my mind. I didn't know her. Not really. I'd only sat by her and stared at her, tried to memorize her. I think it was the staring that ruined me. I did it as much as I could. Traced her face when she turned in profile, wondered what her hair would feel like, smell like, counted her eyelashes when she blinked, and when she smiled.

Man, when she smiled.

Thinking about her so much made my heart ache, but I was done moping around. I'd lost her two years ago, let my nerves win. Not now. Nothing could go wrong if only I talked to her, let her in. I couldn't pretend she was like the girls I was used to, but maybe I could be better. For her I could be.

Planning had never been my forte, but giving up was not an option. So I planned. It was simple, really. There was only one thing I could do, and I would do it.

A simple little note would change my world.

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