Maybe Love

XXII

CHAPTER TWENTY-TWO:

FALSE KISSES

***

YO'S
POINT OF VIEW

"ARE you crazy? What the heck do you think you're doing?" galit na tanong ni Kuya Beam sa'kin while he was pacing back and forth sa sala namin.

   I couldn't blame him. Pinapasok ko lang naman ang lasing na si Pha sa bahay namin. Not just that, nasa loob pa siya ng kwarto ko at nakahiga. Wala kasi kaming guest room na pwede niyang tulugan at hindi rin naman pwedeng sa sala siya matulog kasi baka makita siya ng parents namin.

   "Kuya, I understand kung bakit galit ka. Pero hindi ko naman pwedeng pabayaan si Pha na umuwi. Lasing na lasing 'yong tao. He can't drive, baka maaksidente siya."

   "Then ako ang magmamaneho. Ihahatid ko siya."

   "No. He can't go home."

   "Why not?"

   "His parents wouldn't want to see him in that state. They'd be very disappointed of him."

   "So what? Kung ma-disappoint man niya ang parents niya, it's his fault. Sino ba kasi'ng nagsabi na magpakalasing sya?"

   "'Wag ka namang ganya'n, kuya. Maawa ka naman sa tao."

   "You're using this as an opportunity to be with him. You're taking advantage of his drunken state para makasama siya."

   "Kuya, you're making it look like na may masama akong balak sa kanya. Ano'ng akala mo sa'kin? Manyak?"

   "No, that's not what I mean. My point is, you're digging your own grave by allowing him to creep into your life again. Alam kong sinusubukan mong maka-move on sa kanya, and I have to commend you kasi nakikita kong nagkakaro'n ka na ng progress. 'Wag mong hahayaang masayang lahat ng efforts mo just because dumating siya dito na lasing at nagmamakaawa sa'yo. You know this isn't going to help you."

   May point si Kuya Beam. Heck, he was even right. Tama naman talaga siya na ginagamit ko ang kalasingan ni Pha as an opportunity to be with him. Gusto ko ang pakiramdam na siya ang humahabol sa'kin. Gusto ko ang pakiramdam na kailangan niya ako... na parang hindi niya kaya 'pag wala ako. Stupid, I know. But I've been deprived of happiness for the past two weeks. I've been longing for him and it's too fuckin' painful. Alam kong hindi iyon magandang idea, pero I was just taking a break. Alam mo 'yong feeling na lasing na lasing ka na, dapat ka ng tumigil, pero gusto mo pa. Gusto mo ng kahit isang patak pa. Gusto mong mas malasing pa hanggang sa hindi ka na makabangon.

   Tama nga siguro ang kuya ko. I was, indeed, digging my own grave.

   "Kuya, please, pagbigyan mo na ako. Kahit ngayon lang," parang tangang pakiusap ko.

   "Fine. Have it your way," sumusukong pagpayag niya. "Bahala ka na sa buhay mo. Tutal, malaki ka na. Alam mo na ang implications ng mga ginagawa mo. But please remember that you've been warned. Sisihin mo ang sarili mo 'pag mas lalo ka pang nasaktan."

   "Hindi ko hahayaang mangyari 'yan, kuya." Which was true. I've learned my lesson. Nagpapakatanga man ulit ako, alam ko na ang limitations ko. My stupidity was temporary. It was only valid for one night and after that, balik ulit ako sa paglayo sa kanya. Kailangan ko lang pagbigyan ang sarili ko ngayon. Ngayon lang. I just desperately wanted to ease the pain. Sana lang makatulong.