Hard times are often blessings in disguise. Life, well no one said it's gonna be easy. It'll just get harder and harder and for a moment you'll think it spared you, you'll think it's over. And just when you'll let your guard down it'll hit you with...
The nausea swirled unrestrained in my empty stomach. My head swarmed with what if's and regrets. My heart felt like it had turned into tar as it struggled to keep a steady beat. My eyes were red from the lack of sleep. I haven't cried since Natalie's death. When the doctor said she was gone, it felt like the oxygen in my body ignited a fire that left my body listless and empty. I was unaware of my surroundings, too numb to feel anything. Just laying there staring at the ceiling as my mind wandered. It kept replaying the scene at the hospital, the reason why I couldn't get any sleep. Natalie's sweet smile haunted me, blamed me for not taking care of her. I was dry from within now, no more tears to shed. I didn't know if that was good or bad thing.
Zoe's warm hand gently interlace with mine. Her hand fit so perfectly in mine, just like two puzzle pieces fit together. She had kept her promise. She stayed with me, never leaving my side. I was entirely grateful of her companionship. She has somehow managed to keep me sane. She tugged my hand signalling that it was time to go. Today was Nat's funeral. It was hard to believe that her supporting figure, her absolutely contagious smile, her beautiful, silky hair, her twinkling eyes, her crazy eye brows, She, she just wasn't here with us anymore. Instead she was in a place far better.
I took out my black suit. The same suit, Nat has helped me buy for a cousin's wedding. She said I looked handsome. After a lot of contemplating, I had finally bought it.
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She looked gorgeous that day. She was one of those people who could pull off any look. She managed to look good even in the most casual attires and minimal make up. God, why? Why couldn't it be anyone else? I shoved the daunting thoughts aside and checked my reflection one last time before joining Zoe for breakfast.
Although my appetite had completely died and even the mere thought of food made me queasy, I ate. Not because I wanted to or because I was hungry. I ate because of Zoe. She had been up early preparing breakfast for me. I couldn't just let her hard work go to waste. I ate to make her happy. Unfortunately, the peach danish on my plate too reminded me of Nat. It was her favorite. She would wake me up early sometimes so we could go get her some for breakfast. Her eyes would light up with immense happiness, and she would literally moan after taking the first bite. As much as this annoyed me back then, I would do anything to get Nat back now.
After nibbling on my danish and drinking some orange juice, all for Zoe's sake. She intertwined her hands again, and in the softest voice ever said,
"Ready?"
I gave her a small unsure nod and led her outside to my car.
The sun shone offensively bright and cheerful. It was as if it had conspired to show how the world would go on without her. Everything should be grey and foggy as my emotions, but instead the birds still sang, the flowers still blooming and the tree's still swaying with the wind. The funeral was all black clothes and white waxy faces with puffy red eyes. Every now and then a relative or a friend would come and tell me they were sorry for my loss. I couldn't really understand why they were sorry but I didn't complain. I just sat there, mindlessly. Not showing any kind of emotion. Every now and then, someone would come and ask me how I was doing. Like it wasn't obvious enough. My body was still in shock. It refused to function. The brain still in denial.
The coffin, where Nat shall lay forever now was beautifully crafted. Not to bring comfort to the departed but to ease the pain of the living. It was finally time. I was called to lift the coffin along with my dad and four other men. We gently lifted the coffin, although it only had a few pounds worth of weight inside, it felt like the heaviest thing I ever lifted. Slowly we walked towards Nat's final resting place. Lowering the coffin in its designated place, I gave it a long, loving glance before getting back to where Zoe was standing.
"Hey? let's go back?" Zoe gently stroked the back of my hand. It somehow calmed my wild heart.
"Okay." I whisper.
We had only strolled a little closer to my car when my eyes caught sight of someone, I shouldn't have seen. Jason. Standing there. His hair was a mess. His eyes dead. Reflecting charcoal clouds, their dark beauty lost. Just like me, he was empty inside. I could see right through him. I stood there, watching him like a hawk. In case he tries to hurt someone close to me again. He took out a small metal flask and took a quick swig. That was it, that was the breaking point of my patience. In that moment, I was blinded by a three course serving of nothing but pure rage. The bitterness inside me felt satisfied as I reached out and punched him right across the face. He hit the ground wailing in pain. And just like the bitter taste of coffee, which draws you in for another sip, I wasn't hurt him until he feel's my pain. Understand it. I wanted to become selfish. I wanted people to know how I felt. The whirlwind of emotions hit me hard. I was about to hit him again when Zoe came in between. Looking into her eyes, I knew what I did was wrong so I took her hand and walked, leaving the scene of distress I caused behind.
I took a deep breath. I knew the question was coming.
"My emotions got hold of me and I didn't know what happened next." I slowly mutter as if afraid she will judge me.
Instead she comes near me and engulfs me in a hug. Despite the feeling my stomach, it fluttered at the sudden contact. Her touch somehow made the room a little warmer.
"I know you loss is irreplaceable. And I know it hurts. I know it feels like the end. But believe me it's not. You're going to live through this. And I'm going help you with whatever I can offer. I'm going to be here for you no matter what. Even if the world turns its back on you, I'll be here supporting your every wacky idea, every revenge plan. I'll be here, when you just feel like talking randomly about anything, and when you just need someone to share a comfortable silence with. I'll be here when you want to watch a movie, or when you just want to eat something. In short, I'll be with you through thick and thing. I promise. " Her words, they just aroused another set of emotions, making my heart go crazy.
And the next thing I know, I had smashed my lips against hers. Her lips as soft as a feather. The kiss was soft and comforting in ways words couldn't explain. And before, I get a little carried away, I pull apart. With shaky, shallow breaths we gaze into each other's eyes. Zoe still a little shook, had that kind of genuinely sweet smile with just the right touch of shyness. Warmth rushed inside me just looking at her, and in that moment I knew, I was a goner.
