Ready, Aim, Fire

Chapter Nine

I walk into the station and through the empty hallways towards Bellamy and I's shared room. Of course the halls are empty, everyone is outside witnessing the death of my best friend. I push open the door and pause at the entrance. The first thing I see is the weapons lying on the dresser. Tears of anger gather in my eyes as I continue to stare at them.

A scream reaches my ears, sounding like that person is getting their heart ripped out. It sounds hollow, sad, defeated. It takes my throat bursting with pain to figure out that it's coming from me.

I place a hand over my mouth in an attempt to muffle it, and my knees begin to tremble. Instead of letting myself fall, I walk into the room, head straight for the dresser, and fling everything off, sending the weapons and the small lamp that rests there clattering to the ground. I let out another scream and grab onto the bed sheets, flinging them off the mattress and into the middle of the room. I stoop and pick up the knives on the floor, throwing them with such anger that the blades stick about an inch out of the metal walls.

Another scream rips from my throat, and I take a step towards the small desk, but my feet get tangled in the bed sheet and I fall to my knees. Tears stream down my face as my hands pull at my hair and another scream erupts from my lips. I squeeze my eyes shut as I begin rocking myself back and forth. "Why!" I scream, somewhere between a sob and and anger.

"Carter?"

I open my eyes at the sound of the familiar voice, and I meet deep brown eyes. "Why?" I sob, my voice no louder than a whisper now. Bellamy gets on his knees in front of me and places a hand on my cheek, rubbing off the tears there with his thumb. "Why does it hurt this much, Bell?" I cry, closing my eyes for a moment before reopening them and focusing up on the gray ceiling. "It hurts, please make it stop!" I sob, voice back to a scream.

Bellamy silently coaxes my hands from my hair and pulls me into a hug. "I know it hurts, Carter. I know." He says, and I grip onto him as if he were the last tree in a flood. "Please, make it stop hurting." I cry, digging my face into the space where his neck and shoulder meat, and just cry myself hoarse.

It feels like hours go by with Bellamy just running his hands through my hair, rubbing circles into my back and whispering soothingly into my ear. He never once tells me that I have to be strong. He never once tells me that Finn wouldn't want me crying over his death. He never tells me to store it all in. But he is being strong, and I know he's doing it for me.

When my tears stop falling for the moment and my breathing evens out, I lift my head from Bellamy's shoulder. He wipes the tears from my face as I take in another heaving breath. There's a knock by the door, and Bellamy turns halfway around as I slowly move my gaze there, seeing Kane standing there.

"The Grounders are taking Finn back to where the Massacre took place for a death ritual. Clarke asked that both of you be there." Kane says, a sad look behind the authority in his eyes. Bellamy tenses up and slowly stands to his feet, and I can tell he plans to say something snarky, so I quickly get to my feet and clear my throat the best that I can. "We'll be ready in twenty." I say, my voice hoarse and naisaly for obvious reasons. Kane's eyes wander over the destroyed room for a second before he nods, backing away, and closes the door behind him.

Bellamy turns back around to face me. "Carter, you don't have to do this." He says, softly grabbing my hands in his. I shake my head at his words. "Yes, I do. I need to be there for Clarke, and I'm assuming Raven is going to be there as well." I say, gently pulling myself away from him and walking over to where the knives still stick out of the wall. I tear each on out, placing them in my pack before looking to Bellamy. "Are you coming?" I ask, watching his shoulders sag as he sighs in defeat. "Yeah."