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╚═ "breaking point" ═══╝
after a week of staying with yoongi and hoseok, seokjin had to leave.
it was becoming too much, the constant subtle looks of concern, but also anger because he was hurting jeongguk, and seokjin knew they cared more about the raven haired boy than they did him. which was perfectly acceptable, as all of this was seokjin's fault, anyway.
so, he packed up his few belongings and left while the two were out, leaving a note thanking them for letting him stay there and promising to stay out of everyone's way for a while. it was for the best, he rationalized.
this was all for the best, he told himself as he walked in the rain down the street, backpack slung over his shoulder. the sky was dark, and seokjin felt it was fitting, as everything inside of him felt as grey and cloudy as the sky above him.
he hated himself to the core for hurting the people he loved, especially jeongguk. the boy was young, had never gone through anything like this before and was no doubt absolutely a wreck. seokjin's heart shattered further as he imagined the boy's face, tear streaked and sobbing as he held his knees to his chest.
after a few more minutes of walking in the rain, he arrived at the entrance of a decent looking hotel. it definitely wasn't the nicest place seokjin had ever been in, but it would do for now. he walked inside and quickly got himself a room.
seokjin flopped onto the bed, the mattress squeaking underneath him. he stared at the ceiling for a while, tears brimming in his eyes. all his life, he'd only hurt those around him. it was like he was a black hole, sucking everything he held dear in and subsequently destroying it. it wasn't like he meant to, of course. when he'd told his mother that his father was cheating on her, he hadn't meant to upset her so much that she'd kick seokjin out instead of his father. when he'd broken up with his first boyfriend because he had started liking someone else, he didn't mean for the boy to start hating himself because he thought he wasn't good enough.
seokjin curled into a ball, hand reaching up and grabbing one of the pillows, pulling it to his chest and beginning to cry into it. his body shook with his sobs, his throat hurt and his chest felt empty but he kept crying.
he deserved this, after all.
➴
it was seven p.m. when seokjin finally rolled out of bed.
numbly he sat up, tossing the tear-stained pillow aside as he rubbed at his sore and puffy eyes. his stomach was aching, growling, but he ignored it.
seokjin stood, his limbs feeling stiff after laying in the same position for hours on end. he stretched and walked over to the air conditioning unit. it was freezing cold in the room. after fiddling with the knobs, seokjin concluded that the machine was broken. sighing, he walked back over and dug through his bag for a hoodie.
finding one, he pulled it on and relished in the comforting feeling of the soft material enveloping his tall frame.
seokjin padded into the bathroom, starting to run the water for a bath. he didn't have the energy to shower right now. as he waited for the tub to fill, he sat on the edge. again, thoughts flooded his mind. who had he become? just last year, he was so happy with jeongguk, he had a good group of friends, and he enjoyed life. now he was shutting everyone out, pushing his beloved jeongguk away and running away from his problems like a coward.
that was all he was, a coward. because he couldn't gather the courage to actually talk to jeongguk, he had hurt him indescribably and now seokjin doubted he could ever fix what he'd done.
tears had begun to fall down his cheeks, but he quickly wiped them away and looked at the tub. the water was almost full, so he shut the tap off and slowly undressed, lowering his body into the warm water. the bathtub was small, and he had to tuck his knees close to his chest to fit.
seokjin stayed in the bath until his fingers and toes were all wrinkled, and then got out and got dressed in a pair of soft shorts and his oversized hoodie.
trudging towards the balcony, seokjin opened the glass door and stepped outside, relaxing when he felt the warm evening air around him. his eyes were cast to the streets below him, where many cars and pedestrians crowded the streets of seoul. voices, some louder than others, carried up to where seokjin was but he couldn't make out what the people were saying. not that he cared, anyway. his life was falling apart at his own hands, why should he bother to care about a strangers life for one second?
sighing, seokjin shoved his hand in his shorts pocket and pulled out a small box and lighter. taking out a cigarette, he lit it and put it to his lips, inhaling. blowing out the smoke, seokjin felt himself break a little bit more. he hadn't smoked in years. he'd quit his sophomore year of college, when namjoon begged him to out of concern for the elder's health. now he'd betrayed his best friend, too. seokjin felt a tear slip down his cheek. he was just toxic to everyone, it seemed.
he took a last drag before throwing the cigarette to the ground and stomping it out. seokjin took one last look at the streets below before walking back inside his room.
_____________
this is a really shitty chapter but it gives you a little idea of how jin's doing! :( i hate hurting my babies like this, but you'll see why jin is doing this soon enough!
