daily life

change

Hello again my friend, i dont know where to start this but did you have friend that have a girlfriend that always demanding?like they always go anywhere and everywhere together. Like this guy probably didnt have any time for himself and his hobbies anymore.

I have been there, not as the guy but as the girl. Haha, can you believe it?yeah I have been so pathetic at that times. But I dont know how i can change into someone like that, always demanding, always insist that i am right, and being so sensitive, feel like im the one who feel less, insecure, unwanted and any other worse feeling. And its not good, my partner has always gave the best out of him but im not satisfied.

We goin through a lot at that times, we have similar ages, so we also have similar background. We've been up and down so many times, have uncounted break up. Until we decided this is enough. Well, its me who wanted a break up, but it doesnt matter anyways. Did I love him back then?yeah I loved him, but i didnt love my self. So as a selfish person I just break this relation up.

We're not that damaged, we're just ordinary couple like everyone else, we didnt have a big issues either like racist thing, our mindset, our religion, all was perfect, even he is not a bad guy either. But the problem isnt them, but its me, its just simply because I didnt love myself first before I love other. So I became a totally different person than I am now (If you know me).

And after that its totally worth it, I can go to wherever I want, without asking other permission. I can eat whatever I want with my own money, I can wear anything I want to wear without thingking of pleasing someone. And I realize that kind of relationship is too sufocated for me, and because of it I become an annoying person who dont know where to blame.

Well its not quickly as you thought for me to become the "now me", there was so many times I thought about getting back together, and felt so empty. Because i always had someone who accompanied me, who shared, who loved, and be there for me. And when we break up I still cant stand alone, and thats when I realize i depended so much on him.

Maybe after that i tried to stand alone, eating by myself is fine, going anywhere alone is good too. Maybe for some other people its something easy to do, but for me it felt like i have done a really good job for myself to keep my sanity haha. Its my lowest mental health I guess, not that i dont have any friends, I do have a lot of them. But they have their own lifes too, so I cant come then burden them with my own mental health issues.

And its time for me to graduate too, moving from college life to jobless life, thankfully my mental didnt relate to my brain, so I still can graduate. So maybe this is why I dont think I am ready to have a relationship with someone, maybe its a little bit traumatic, I am not ready to face all of it all over again soon.

But maybe its gonna be fine now, I am a little bit mature. I am happy and loves myself a lot for now. So yeah, not everyone who is happy are always happy.

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