Poems By A Clueless Girl

If I ever live alone

I won't hide in the bathroom during meals

walls would stay intact cause no words would bounce off of them

the hum of the ice machine would become my alarm clock

and dust bunnies would dance around my socks as I'd pace around the living room

wearing nothing but those socks

I'd slow my heartbeat's racing so that it'd match the clock ticks

taking their sweet time to the finish line at the end of my bed

This is the way I'd like it

Absolute silence

if I ever got lonely I'd flirt with the floorboards till every creak was a whisper in my ear

and every step I took brought me closer to infatuated eyelash winks

no dry contact within my sights

my soft tongue clicks of practicing proclamations

never spoken aloud

will keep the tears from spilling

out of the lemon dripped stinging corners

where I'd usually find eyeliner instead

but no makeup that day

no longer necessary

the only one seeing me will be the reflection

she may be a chatterbox but at least I can leave her threats on spam

if I run in and out of the bathroom quick enough

so that the tiles won't repeat a scream that I've held in since I realized

silence is better than a conversation about nothing

drowning in your own thoughts is way healthier

than letting others' thoughts drag you to the bottom

because at least this way I get to choose whose say matters

too bad what I have to say for myself is nothing more than a snotty tissue

kept as proof from the day my Dad's body finally listened to what he had been ordering it to do for years

who knew a little girl's push could be all he needed

to not care anymore

to not hurt anymore

to not yell anymore

I had no door anymore

he shut his like a pin needle to the wrist that sounded a lot like wood splitting from the frame

but at least my ears won't be splitting like other's wrists anymore

For the first time in my life there will be no more screaming behind closed doors

maybe now I don't have to listen to him wrangle his demons too and I can focus on my owns suggestions

it may be a mumble right now but some days it'll be a moan and groan

and I won't pick up the phone when my friends call cause all they give me is

a bees buzz

unrelatable

ginger snaps snapping too fast for me to keep track of the taste and smack

babies crying with no reason

me crying with no reason

GOD DAMMIT I told myself if I cried again I wouldn't appreciate the silence anymore

no more meditations with empty ice cream cartons

and pencils digging into flesh so that the lead spells out poetry on the pink radish undertone of my skin

emotion is a language that I can't handle speaking right now
(great line!)
so maybe that's why I prefer the idea of being alone

maybe

that's why the outline of a glass coffee table makes more sense to me than a

How are you?

with a table I can see if its stable or if it's not

I know where the bottom of the drink cup stains come from

but not where the hand has been that tried desperately to hold mine on the street

if he laughed because something was funny or if he thought it more pleasant

than a pause in conversation

the place I'd live alone won't have to explain anything to me

because it'll be my head's body's body

which makes its windows and my eyes like close cousins

and everyone else I see outside of it would never be able to speak inside

of our comfortable quiet

not the way I'd learn to