Turning Tables ---Going Under Construction---

Reconnecting

Armed with Ben and Jerry's and a fresh bottle of tequila I settle comfortably onto the couch. It was hard to convince Greg and Sasha not to come over, it finally came down to telling them I was just going to sleep. Even that brought out offers to watch over me. 

It was nice to be at home alone, especially when the world outside held so much drama. All I wanted in life was for things to go back to normal. 

In the middle of an odd 1-star horror flick, my phone started buzzing and I read the text from my mother. 

Dinner, Friday at 7, our home.

It was obviously a demand and not an invitation. I hadn't told them about what happened with Xander, not even that we weren't together anymore. Actually, I hadn't talked to either of them at all since Christmas. For a day at least, I wouldn't answer. 

My focus back on the horribly gruesome movie, I let all my thoughts disappear. Nothing was important, nothing was happening. 

I woke up to pounding on the door, movie credits rolling. Slowly I moved off my couch and looked through the peephole. Standing outside my door was Xander, soaked from head to toe. I threw the door open and we stared at each other in silence. 

"What are you doing here?" I asked, desperate for him to let me apologize. 

It was hard for him to stand up straight. I could tell that he had been drinking. "We need to talk," he said as clearly as he could.

I held the door open a little wider. "Do you want to come in?"

With a slight stumble, he moved past me and nearly fell on the couch. It took him a minute to get control of himself. I waited, sitting on the coffee table across from him, as he sat with his head in his hands. 

"Xander?"

"Shut up!" He slurred. "You don't get to talk." He lifted his head to me finally. 

It took a lot of effort but I held back my words and tears. I just nodded at him to continue. 

"When I saw you again, it was like..." he looked up and thought about what to say. "I thought I was getting a second chance like the world was finally forgiving me."

I waited until I knew he was finished. "I was giving you one, giving us one... The blog was something I started at the beginning when I was still mad. It spiraled after that, it was getting me reads to play you, so I lied."

He chuckled humorlessly. "I don't believe that. Since the day I found your works I have read every one of them a hundred times. Again and again, I read about how awful I am, how you really see me."

"You were never meant to read those."

Xander bangs his fist against the end table beside him, his glare ice cold. "Does that make it better? Does that make it okay?"

Just hold the tears back, Jade. Just this once. "Nothing makes what I did okay, but if there is anything that will make this better, just tell me."

I don't know if he didn't hear me or he was ignoring me, he just continued his rant without answering me. "Then you bring my best friend into this. Was that giving us a chance? Did you care about him or was that to get back at eighteen year old me too? Maybe you just can't care, about anyone."

I can't hold back anymore and I start crying. "That is not fair. I cared... care... about both of you. This was never meant to happen. I was going to fix all of this before.."

"Before we found out," he interjected. "How was that?"

"I hadn't figured it out yet." I took a deep, calming breath in and tried to get out everything I neede to as elegantly as I could. "For so long I was mad and empty. I thought it was all your fault that my failures, from love to general life, were your fault. Then I saw you again from across a crowded room and you took all that anger away. I want to be able to take the hurt I have put on you away too. I am so sorry and I want to make this better."

When I meet his eyes they seem clear and sober, like he was determined to be fully here for the rest of this. "Who did you want?"

I look at him, confused. "What do you mean?"

He straightens his back, his head tilted slightly. "Emmitt or Me. If everything you've said is true and you deserve a second chance, who is giving it to you?"

The tears come again because I don't want to hurt Xander more than I already have. "I can't lose you again..." That is the only true thing I can admit. After everything we had been through I knew I wanted Xander in my life. "You were always my best friend, I've already ruined it enough."

"Because it's not me." 

I shake my head slowly. "It doesn't matter though."

He stands up and I follow suit, hoping he doesn't just walk out. We make it to my front door and he turns around. "Jade, I will forgive in time but I can't speak for Emmitt. All I know is that for the last week he has gone through every picture, every text, and every moment the two of you spent together. 

"It's exactly what I did when I was 18 and I fell in love with a rebel girl with the black streaks in her hair and the bright red lipstick, then I threw it all away." Hesitantly he took my hand in his. "I might have built our relationship up in my head because I wanted the chick who got away instead of the shy, sweet woman that you are now. This heartbreak isn't the same as it was for me back then... his is though. Try calling him again."

With a soft touch on my shoulder, Xander turns and walks out the door. I close it softly behind him and wonder if he can forgive me enough to see me again, but even if he doesn't I know that his pain won't be the same one that I had for so long.