Turning Tables ---Going Under Construction---

Life Choices

It was 30 degrees out and freezing when I went to grab coffee the morning after Xander's party. I had tried to call him, leaving messages that were going unanswered, if not completely unheard. I even tried calling Emmitt to no avail. The hangover I had didn't help the horrible pain in my chest. It felt like I was breaking down completely. All that I wanted was to curl up and die...

"Hey, trooper."

I jump a foot in the air, not realizing how trapped in my own head I was until I almost passed the coffee shop and Greg.  "What are you doing here?"

He hands me one of the cups in his hand. "I figured you'd be here. thought maybe we could talk."

My hands wrap around the warm up and I take a long sip. "I don't want to talk, I just wanted to get a coffee and go back home to sulk."

After getting home last night I think I screamed at Greg and Sasha to leave me alone for at least an hour after I made it through my door. What were they going to say to me? It'll be okay. You aren't a bad person. Even if they did they would be liars. In the much more likely case of them telling the truth, I would lose it. 

I don't have the energy to lose it...

I turn back in the direction of my house. 

"Please, Jade. I'm worried about you. Last night was rough, I know. Let me just talk with you." He follows behind me, not too close. 

Just keep walking, I tell myself as the tears fall. 

"You got a raw deal Jade, it's not all your fault."

He nearly runs into me as I stop and reel back at him. "Raw deal? I wish I got a raw deal. I wish everything that Emmitt and Xander said was wrong, but none of it was. I am awful! Every decision I have made in my life has been to hurt someone. My parents, my friends, and now someone I barely knew. I  am the bull in the china shop, the wrecking ball, the piranha after the tiny spec of blood in the water." 

Greg waits patiently as I scream at... not him, but the world and myself. He doesn't back away or stop me, just kept listening.

"Have you read my blog? It's a riot! All I do is judge everyone else for all of there mistakes, I must be the Messiah! Time and time again I amaze myself, how did I become so self-righteous?"

My breath finally ran out and I finished my tirade, leaning against a wall as the tears blurred my vision. 

Greg stood in front of me and held my shoulders. "One bad choice does not define you." 

As he pulls me into a hug I let myself sob. Full-on can't breathe, ugly, out of control sobs. 

"You know you're a human right?" He asks as I catch my breath. 

I nod against his shirt. 

"You know we all make mistakes right?"

I push him lightly away from me. "I know it was just a mistake. All those involved will live to fight another day... I just feel so stupid for thinking this would get me any closure."

We stand there a moment in silence, drinking our semi-warm coffees and watching people pass us on the street. He takes my arm and leads me to a nearby park and we sit on a bench together. 

"What do I do Greg? How do I fix this?" I don't look him in the eye in case I don't like the face he gives me. 

He puts his hand on top of mine as I stare blankly off into the distance. "You might not get to."

As I whip around to face him he gives me this look, begging me not to break down again. 

"You can try," He tells me. "You shouldn't stop that, at least not until it hurts more than it helps. There is a chance that it can't be fixed, that you are going to play a horrible staring role in his relationships from now on. That's what he was to you..."

I bite my lower lip to control myself. "He fixed it..."

Greg smiles at me. "Then there's hope."

I finally convinced Greg I was okay and that I really just needed some time alone in my own place to think about everything and what I would do next. If there was anything I could do.

First, I had to leave Xander one last message. I couldn't keep bothering him, especially when he was out trying to have fun with his family, pretending that everything was okay and normal. There had to be one more, for my sake. 

Surprisingly the phone actually began to ring and which each pause I became hopeful that he would answer until  his voicemail message rang in my ears. This Is Xander Scott, I am out living the life right now, please feel free to leave your story.

The beep came and it took me a moment to speak. "Hi, Xander," I started, my voice weak. 'I know you might not listen to this and your out actually trying to forget I exist. Just know, I am sorry. Everything in that blog... It was a lie. At least towards the end.

"After I found out how wonderful you became, how sweet and caring you are now, I wanted to stop it all but I didn't know how. It was selfish and stupid. If you never forgive me I know why, and I accept that. I hope one day I'll get to explain myself to you."

I hang up the phone and look through my contacts again. My finger lingers over Emmitt's number. It takes all of my strength to hit the button, but when I do it only rings twice. My heart sinks further knowing that he took little time on his decision to ignore me. 

This is Emmitt, I can't come to the phone right now.

I laugh to myself as I listen to his generic message, knowing it kills him to be professional all the time. Having to hold back all the time. The one time he finally let go... I happened. 

"Emmitt," I whisper his name like a prayer. "You were never meant to get hurt, you weren't supposed to be a part of any of this. My feelings for you... They came out of nowhere. I wanted to tell you every day what I was doing, I wanted to tell both of you. The thought of losing you was too hard, though. I thought I could find a different way. Please give me a chance to explain myself to you. 

"I love you."