im here // phan

eight

Today I decided that I would be productive. I really wanted to figure out school; since the flat was finally unpacked, Dan and I had a heart-to-heart, and we didn't really do anything yesterday. Doing nothing with Dan was fine.

"Hey Dan!" I called out to him. He was in his room, and I was sat out on the couch. I couldn't get up because I was sunk in just right.

"Yes, Phil?" He called back.

"I'm going to drive around and try to find the nearest high school. Want to come with me?" I asked. I shut my laptop gently on my lap.

"Uh, sure." He responded. I slowly got up from the couch, and walked over to the counter to grab my keys. Yet another adventure to take with Dan. I slipped on my trainers as I saw Dan emerge from his room, wearing a different jumper than he was before.

"Ready?" I asked, and Dan pulled the sleeves down on his jumper.

"Yes. Lets go." He mumbled.

"You okay?" I asked.

"When am I ever, Phil?" Dan sighed. I walked over to Dan, and wrapped my arms around his chest. Dan wrapped his arms around my waist. I held Dan tightly against my body, making sure he felt the warmth and love.

"I'm here for you, Dan. Don't even doubt it." I didn't let go of him.

"Phil, God has blessed me with you. You are like my savior." Dan held me a little tighter. We stood in the middle of the room, holding each other close.

"God has blessed me with you." I mumbled back to him. He slowly pulled back from the hug, and rolled up his sleeves. The cuts on his arms were dripping bright, deep red blood. Immediately, I seized his wrists with my hands trying to cover the cuts and stop the blood. "Dan, I took those knives from you!"

"I took them back. I was addicted to cutting myself, and it just became a part of me. Phil, please help." Dan started to tear up, but I kept hold of his wrists.

"Dan, look at me. Put your ear up against my chest. Listen to my heartbeat, and focus on it. Don't think about anything else but my heartbeat." I quaked, and I made sure he followed my instructions.

"Phil...Phil..." Dan whimpered, his head gently touching against my chest, and the tears slowly stopped, and the sniffle happened less.

"Dan, deep breath. It's okay." I stuttered. This moment was overwhelming, but with Dan, it all eased. Feeling the warmth of his head against my chest eased all the pain I had ever felt in my whole life.

"Phil..." His word was empty. His eyes were wet and puffy, but no more tears were dripping from his eyes.

"It's okay, Dan. I won't let this happen ever again." I whispered. "Let's wait to leave. We don't have to go anywhere today if you don't want to. We could watch television all day, and I'll make you food."

"T-thank you. I-I.." Dan stammered, but I shushed him to silence.

"Let's stay in today. Let's clean up your arms first." I grabbed his hand with my blood-covered hands and lead him to the bathroom. I ran the sink with warm water, and pulled his sliced wrists under the water.

"It burns." Dan spoke. I grinned, and kept washing them off. I turned the faucet off, and lightly rubbed the cut areas with a towel.

"Sorry." I hesitated, continuing to press the towel against his wrists. "Hey, your my size in clothes, right?" 

"Yeah, I should be." He acquiesced.

"Okay, stay right here, don't move." I exclaimed, and headed straight for my room. I went through my drawers, grabbed sweatpants and an over-sized jumper, and went back to Dan. 

"Phil..." He marveled. I handed over the comfy outfit delicately. 

"Change into that. I know that when I'm having a bad day, sweats is the first thing I turn to. Let me go grab a wrap for your wrists." I addressed, and walked out of the small bathroom, and went to the kitchen this time. I shuffled through all the drawers until I finally came across the wrap I knew I brought. I slid back into bathroom, and unrolled the wrap. "Hold your wrists out, Dan." He obeyed immediately, and I wrapped one arm, and then the other. 

"Thank you. Now, I won't get blood all over your sweats." He effused. 

"I wasn't worried about my sweats, I was worried about you, Dan." I clarified. "Now, I'll grab some blankets for you, and we can sit and watch television all day long, if that's what you want."

"That's all I could ask for right now. God, Phil, I don't deserve you. I'm just a depressed boy with nothing to live for." He said glumly. 

"Live for me then, and you do deserve me. You deserve the world." There was an empty silence between the two of us, and then Dan wrapped his arms around my waist, pulling me into an embrace. I was startled, but despite that, I wrapped my arms around his upper body. His head was rested on my chest, and my chin was rested on the top of his head. I instantly had that feeling in which I wanted to capture this moment forever. I wanted to bottle it up and store it on my shelf and never let it expire. 

"Phil, if I didn't meet you, I would be dead. I don't say that as a joke, but I mean it. You saved my life countless times. So many time I thought to myself this is the end, and I want to die. But then I thought Phil would be mad, and he would miss me. I hope." 

"Of course I would be. I can't imagine my life without you."

"Lets go get snuggled up on the couch."