im here // phan

twenty eight

Phil looked as though he could cry enough tears to equal the water of Niagara Falls. Maybe even more. I honestly felt bad for him, because he was just the purest person on the planet, and all this shit that life is throwing at him seems unfair. I am a pretty shitty person anyways, so why not make my life suck even more?

"There is no way. He couldn't. My dad...my dad wouldn't do that. He can't. Couldn't." Phil sputtered, holding those tears back as well as he could. I wish I could tell him everything would be okay, and we could live in a world with unicorns and rainbows, but that would be a big lie.

"Phil, I am really sorry. I am. I wish he didn't, but he said that he can't love anymore. Your mum left him and he thinks you don't love him anymore. He wanted me to make sure you were okay though." I professed, and decided that I should give him a hug. I stood up from my bed, and squeezed him tight in my arms. I placed a gentle kiss on his forehead, and he cheered up a little bit.

"I do love him, I just wasn't happy with him because of what he felt. Now, I don't know what to feel." He said, face going black. The tears were there, but he didn't look sad. His cheeks were red, but he didn't look angry. He looked empty. Gone, almost.

"You have many emotions you could feel. Sadness would probably be the biggest, followed by some anger, or grief." I stressed to him, and he still looked blank and empty.

"I should feel all of those things, and I do, but I also don't. I wanna feel angry and sad, but I just don't. I'm crying so I guess that makes me sad, but I don't feel sad. All I feel is tears on my face." He said, and there was no way to really help him it seemed.

"I should leave you alone. I am going to go tell PJ because he deserves to know. He will want to get his body so he can burry him. Maybe have a quiet funeral." I waved bye to him, and exited our building. I felt everything Phil should be feeling. Maybe I am an emotion sponge.

I took our car, and got on the road. I did not know where PJ or even where he lived, so I just drove back to the school. I figured they wouldn't have moved his body yet, unless the police came. I bet they did, but for PJ's sake, I hope Chris's body is still there. I am the guiltiest person on the planet for letting him die. I could have died. I could've had hat I wanted all these years; pure and simple death. How sweet it would be now.

I pulled into the parking lot, and there seemed to be no one even here. It was oddly quiet and empty here. I got out of my car, and texted PJ.

Dan: Are you at the school mate?
PJ: Yeah.
Dan: Where at?
PJ: I am outside the cafeteria.

I can't believe that I did this to him. He is probably going to want to die too, just so he can be with him. I bolt through the entrance doors which are unlocked, and they never are. I run through the halls and into the hall where PJ is. I see him on the far end, and I bolt up to him. There are a lot of people over here. They are on the other side of the yellow tape, but PJ is on the inside of the tape with the police.

"Dan..." PJ said, dragging my name along so it wouldn't be so painful to say, I guess.

"PJ, oh my god, I am...I am so sorry." I pleaded, and I crossed through the yellow tape. The police tried to stop me, but PJ let me pass through. I could have told him then. What would have been better though?

"It's not your fault." He said. That was the fattest lie said in the last decade. I was guilty, PJ! I wanted to scream it loud, so loud!

"PJ, it is my fault. I didn't shoot him, Mr. Lester did. He is insane now. But he was going to shoot me, then Chris told me to go and Mr. Lester said he would spare me at the price of Chris. Chris said it was fine, and I was hesitant. But I went." I  explained, and he looked very pissed at me. He kept quiet for a minute, and I think the police took note of Mr. Lester's name.

"Heroic way to die." He finally mustered. I gave him a short, tight hug. He seemed to appreciate it.

"So, are you wanting to have a quiet funeral?" I asked, which seemed insensitive after I said it.

"Yes. I want you to be there. Just me and you." He requested. I nodded.

"They are going to let you have the body?" I inquired.

"Yes. I asked, and they said they had enough analysis to conclude he was shot." PJ said. He adjusted his glasses quickly, then looked down at the lifeless best friend he used to have.

"I feel so guilty, PJ. I wish I had died in his place." I admitted.

"Don't feel guilty, Dan. You didn't shove him in front of the gun to save yourself. He offered. Mr. Lester pulled the trigger. You aren't at fault here." He said, smiling a little. That made me feel a little bit better. A little.

"Thanks, PJ." I said, no emotion behind the words. Someone had brought a casket in for PJ to take Chris away in, which seemed sweet. I assisted him in lifting Chris. We lay him gingerly into the casket, and closed the lid.

"There is so much I wanted to say to him." He blurted randomly.

———

We drove the casket to an empty field, and I was pretty sure it was illegal to bury a dead body without permission. We decided to do it anyways. PJ had a shovel, and I was like what are the odds. Us lanky boys had a hard time dragging the casket, but we managed to make it. PJ started to dig up the dead grass, and I wanted to help, but I lay in the grass instead. I looked up at the blue sky, and there were not many clouds in the sky. Only three were in my sight. I studied them and tried to see as many shapes as possible.

Finally, PJ finished. "Dan, help me lower it down." He called out, and I stood up. I was a little dizzy, but I lifted the casket, and lowered it down. The hole was the perfect size for the casket. I used my hands to help scoop dirt back into the hole. It covered it very nicely. I put some of the dead grass back onto the dirt.

"Wanna say anything?" I asked, and he nodded. His eyes were puffed up incredibly, and his ocean eyes looked dull.

"Chris was the best guy anyone could ask for. He always listened, and knew how to hut up when you had something to talk about. He was very quiet, and didn't like to talk, so I guess thats why he was easy to talk to. I also loved his hugs. He formed perfectly against me. He was very warm, even in the winter." PJ started, and I don't think he could finish. He was choking on all his words, so I patted him on the back, and we got back into the car when I received a text from Phil.

Phil: PJ okay? Send him my best wishes xx
Dan: He is okay. Just buried Chris.
Phil: Wish I could have been there.
Dan: He just wanted it to be me and him. By the way, he doesn't hate you for what your dad did.
Phil: He is not the person to be like that, so I assumed as much.
Dan: We will be over soon. But we do have a pressing matter on our hands. I have to die tomorrow.
Phil: nonononononononononononono
Dan: Unless you want your mom to die, in which case I will be dying. We have to be at the park tomorrow.
Phil: nonononononononononononono
Dan: I'm sorry Phil.

I locked my phone, because I couldn't keep that conversation going. He was having anxiety so I decided to stop would be the best response.

"Phil sends love to you." I finally said to PJ.

"Bless him. He's a good guy." PJ cheered. It was good to see his smile.

"PJ, tomorrow I want you to come to the park with Phil and me. I have to die and I want you to be there for Phil." I pleaded, and realized that might be insensitive.

"Of course. He really doesn't want you to die, Dan." PJ added.

"I know he doesn't." That was all I could think of.

"We should go back. We have spent too much time here." PJ said.

"I guess so. Plus, Phil could really use us right now."