im here // phan

twenty four

I lead Dan and Phil into the library, as Phil demanded. He said that he loved books a lot and would surely use this time to read some books. Dan, however, didn't mention what he would do. I am going to spend my time looking for Chris. I can't be parted from him, really. It's sad, that he is such a big part of my life. I can't live a second without him, and I'm surprised I haven't imploded yet.

"PJ, there are so many books. Like I wouldn't be able to finish this in a two lifetimes!" Phil exclaimed, and Dan sighed. Phil rolled his eyes, and Dan smiled cheekily. They had just the perfect relationship, and I strived for something like that.

"Probably not even three. I've read a lot of these books already. I spend my time in the mystery section. That interests me most." I explained, and Phil's cheeks grew a little red.

"I personally adore fantasy. The author makes up a whole world in their head and writes it down! I think that is so cool and imaginative." Phil indulged. Dan had parted ways with us, and found himself an empty couch. He had lounged back, his blinking becoming slower until he closed his eyes gently. When Phil spotted him, he couldn't help but stare and smile. His eyes lit up like fires on a cold night.

"Fantasy is nice." I said, while Phil was still looking at Dan, lost in him somehow. Maybe it was his hair, and the way is drooped over his head and shaped his face perfectly. Maybe it was his t-shirt, a black void in which one could lose themselves. Who knows, but Phil surely found something. I had a feeling he always would.

He didn't say anything back to my comment, but he just walked over to Dan, sat down next to him, and leaned on his shoulder. I was kind of worried for them. They didn't know this school like I did. Everyone hated gay people. There had never been one gay that has crossed through here unharmed. They seemed so oblivious to the people in this school. Maybe they just weren't afraid of anyone. I wish I could be like them; happy, uninformed and sweet.

So, I had to set out on my adventure to find Chris. I knew exactly where he would be. So, I walked up the stairs the the library - yeah, its two floors - and went to the bookshelf where he always resided. He hid himself behind the case, but i knew that is where he went when he got mad. Of course, he was there. I would think he would try and go somewhere I wouldn't know. Unless he really wanted me to find him.

"Chris!" I called out, quietly. He barley turned his head, but he did flash a smile. It was there for an eighth of a second, but it was there.

"PJ." He mumbled, turning back to the books.

"I wanted to come and say sorry. I didn't mean what I said." I confided. I could almost feel him roll his eyes.

"But what hurts is that it's true, PJ. I am also being a coward, and I had no right to shame you like that." He commented, turning back towards me. His eyes looked a little red, like he had been crying or something.

"But I should have stepped up. What you said was true too." I said, walking closer to him. He just stood there, his face absent.

"No, PJ. I understand and I get it. Being bullied sucks, and you know it first hand. You are just such a creative boy. You are smart; you have all A's! You read a lot and gain so much from the fantasy worlds you fall into! Hell, you make your own worlds! What I'm saying is, PJ, don't let anyone put you down. You have everything. Let your mind come up with something to say back to them. Use an insult from a book you have read, or movie you have watched. Maybe you saw something online; use that!" Chris spilled, and I wanted to run up to him and hug him. So I did. I flung my arms over top of his shoulders, and squeezed him tight to me. He was a little shocked because we don't really hug, but he wrapped his arms around me eventually.

"Thank you Chris." That was all I could say, or else I would start to sob. Chris meant the world to me. Everything about him was absolutely perfect, and I could not ask for someone better.

Then, I finally understood. The way Phil was looking at Dan, how he saw such a perfect boy laying there. Dan could pull the ugliest face and Phil would still love him - would still look at him like an angel. All of Dan's flaws made him more perfect to Phil.

That's how it was with Chris. It made sense now. We never left each other's side for years; every single fight ended with us back by each other's side, every tear we shed was together, every laugh we had, we shared. We shared everything. He knew things my parents didn't.

"I would do anything for you, PJ. I'm sorry I stormed off. I'm right here and I am not leaving." He whispered, and chills went down my back.

"Don't be sorry at all. Nothing bad even happened. I didn't hesitate for a second - to come find you." I addressed.

"Thank you, so much, PJ." Chris mumbled.

"Anything for you." I said.

"PJ, I don't want to lose you to Dan and Phil."