I took a final drag from my cigarette before I dropped it to the ground and rubbed the heel of my shoe into it.
My mind was a fucking wreck-No, I was a fucking wreck and... I hated myself. One of the many reasons why, was that I was standing in front of Gerard's house. What else could I have done? My feet had just walked and walked and walked and then, I was right there, somehow.
Of course, it had had to happen. Honestly, I didn't have anyone, really anyone besides Gerard at that time of my life. He was the only person that ever gave me a chance to open up about all of the pain that I had to carry with me, the only one who was there to help me carry it. I couldn't just let something so absolutely significant as Gerard Way go.
I admit, I was such a sucker for comfort from another person, preferably Gerard. And yes, all of this is oh so pathetic. Because I was nothing, and yet, still wanting someone. A paradox.
No honestly, I really hated myself. This aren't just some meaningless words said out loud. These are my deepest feelings written down.
And the hate began to boil, so hot a simple drop of it could've made one melt, as I rang the Way's door bell.
I can not recall my thought process of these actions.
Did I actually expect that Gerard would just open the door, embrace me with a smile on his lips and then everything would go back to how it used to be?
I don't know what I was thinking that moment, but I can still feel the self hatred burning inside of me.
And I know, that ever since Gerard had started to ignore me...I felt empty inside.
To make it clear, my body was a lifeless shell. And it was functioned by a fire on the inside, but this fire wouldn't burn unless Gerard was in my life.
Which basically made me a living ghost without him. How ironic.
"Frankie! 'Haven't seen you in a long while, how are you?"
Mikey had opened the door.
The answer to his question was obvious.
Sleepless nights decided to give me dark shadows under my eyes. So many negative emotions were rumbling in my stomach at all times that I didn't even need to eat anymore, but at the same they ate me from the inside out. My hair hadn't been cut in so long it had reached an awkward length.
"I-is Gerard home?" I asked quietly, ignoring Mikey's question.
Now I wished I hadn't thrown away my cigarette, so it would've made me less of a nervous wreck.
Mikey and I had always gotten along well, alright, but we never were as close as Gerard and I. Gerard was the only one in my life I could consider a friend.
Mikey shook his head no. I knew it was expected, but it still managed to make me feel just a litte smaller on the inside.
"Okay, sorry to bother then." I excused myself and was just about to turn on my heel as Mikey suddenly stopped me.
"Wait, do you want to come inside anyway?" He gave me a welcoming smile, scratching the back of his head. "Catch up on things? You seem...distressed."
I paused, looking at Mikey for a couple of seconds before I decided to just go for it.
I nodded. Because, again, I was a pathetic piece of nothingness, seeking comfort.
We went inside the Way's house. It made me sad to think that once it was like my second home, and right there, right then there was nothing left of that.
