When It Rained

Chapter 20 - If You Want Love

The night was calm, serene, and cool. This was something that she hadn't had in a long time. Before, it was just her, the streets, and her thoughts. She didn't really help out Jack unless he specifically asked her too. Finn was there when he needed her to be, and Jack appreciated it a lot. 

Looking down towards the small figures, Finn counted the people who passed below her. 

From beside them, everyone had their differences. But from high above, they all looked the same. Just one blur after another passing through to their own lives.

They had no idea she was up there, no idea that someone was looking down upon them from eight stories up. It's why she did such a thing. Being alone was a comfort to her, its how she was able to think things through. 

Lately, with everything going on, Finley didn't get much time to be alone. 

Her world revolved around Steve and Bucky, but she didn't mind one bit. That was the way that she wanted it to be- they were her main concern. 

The Stark convention was coming up soon, and that was Steve's best shot. He was making a lot of progress, that was clear to everyone. They just needed to push him to the end of the week, then she would tell them her plan. 

After the convention, Bucky would have 21 days left until his basics, and she would be given the time she had left to help Steve in anyway that she could. 

Deep within her chest, Finley felt a new pain ringing from inside her. It came from her heart, especially realizing just how little time she had left with Steve, but just how much shorter she had left with Bucky. 

The thought of him on the front lines, the war, the things he would see. It broke her heart. Bucky was too good of a person, Steve was too good of a person. They didn't deserve those sleepless nights. 

She wasn't ready to go back to being completely alone, and it was hard for her to admit that. Attaching on to someone was something she normally tried to avoid, but with these two, there was no stopping it. 

The sun peeking above the buildings of the city in front of her, the soft breeze cooling her cheeks and spazzing back. 

The day she met Steve, it ran so clearly through her head. He was scrawny, helpless, and begging for someone to help him. It made her wonder where her life would be if she would have just kept walking. Sure it hadn't been that long, but Bucky and Steve had completely turned her life around. They made her care; and that was the biggest mile stone she had accomplished ever since her brother was taken away. 

Reaching behind her, Finely pulled out a bottle of beer she had taken from the bar and cracked it open. The bottle cap fluttered towards the ground, her sharp ears waiting to hear the contact she wanted to. 

The cool beer skimmed down her throat burning once it reached the bottom. The aftertaste was strong as well, but it matched the three that she had before. 

Yes, she drank a lot- but the tolerance the woman had was amazing. Finn grew up around a bar, this definitely wasn't her first time around. 

With the bottle now half empty, Finley bit her lip and stared between both the glass and the people below. 

It would be so easy, to just scoot off the ledge and say goodbye forever. Alchohal had this effect on her, but she was wise enough to never do it. That didn't mean the thoughts never crossed her mind though. 

Her parents abandoned her.

Her brother was taken away from her from the people she was trying to help Bucky and Steve become a part of. 

Henry died three years ago, and she had to hold him while it happened. 

Jack was on a downwards spiral in his age. 

And soon enough the only two people she gave a slight shit about were going to leave her facing an inescapable fate.

This world was just going to beat her to the ground, hell; it already had, there was nothing she could do to stop it. 

She kept her walls up, barriers high and strong. Nobody would ever see her like this, this weak; it was something she kept hidden from the world and everyone in it. The girl had a reputation: hard, stern, unbreakable, and dependable. She never wanted anyone to hesitate asking her for help because they didn't know if she could do it. 

Finley would deliver, she always delivered. It was her job, and Finley seemed to always be on the job. 

"I just need some time..." she hummed softly before taking another drink. "I'm trying to think straight." 

Another bottle gone. 

"I just need a moment in my own space

Ask me how I'm doin' I'll say okay. 

Yeah, but aint that what we all say?" 

Now, laying back completely against the roof of the building beneath her, she let her feet dangle as the world began to spin around her. 

"Sometimes I thin back to the old days, In the pointless conversations with the old me...

Yeah, back when momma used to hold me

I wish somebody would have told me..." 

At this time, her tired voice began to crack as her body went numb. There was no more sharp pains, no more bad memories, and no more worries. She let the buzz take over her mind, and the words just seemed to pour on and on and on. 

"If you want love, you gon' have to go through pain,

If you want love, you gon' have to learn how to change

If you want trust, you gon' have to give some away. 

If you want love, If you want love." 

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Waking up in the morning, Finley's eyes cracked open one by one. 

Her bones were chilled, the air was fresh, and her mind seemed just as heavy as it was the day before. 

It was only a temporary fix, the alleviation she felt for her place in the world. But rising with the later sunrise, she allowed herself to sit forward and stare at the still sleeping city. 

This was her life, a constant cycle that she couldn't escape. 

No matter how well it seemed to be now, Finley was the type of girl that would always end up in the same position- alone. 

The world was cruel, everybody knew it. So the woman did her best to make sure that nobody else felt life the way she did, let alone felt how badly she was willing to let it end. 

Nobody deserved to feel that. 

Nobody but her.