Broken || Harry styles

Chapter 18

Songs for the chapter:

Beyoncé // I Care

Harry's P.O.V

"You promised," I spoke quietly but sharply. She looks confused at first but she seems to realize what I meant because her facial expression changes from a confused one with her eye brows knitted together to her eyes widening and her mouth forming an 'o' shape.

"What?" She asks.

"You know what I'm talking about." I say eyeing the skin on her wrist that was exposed moments again, but now is covered.

"Harry"

"I-I'm sorry," her voice comes out small and weak.

"When did you do it?" I asked ignoring her apology.

"Last n-night," guilt floods through me instantly. The night I left her alone she's done this to herself.

"Fuck!" I scream pulling my hair aggressively before spinning around, knocking a cup off of the table in the process.

"Dammit, Mel I'm so sorry." I apologize sincerely. I was out, partying when she needed me the most.

"Shit!" I swear again.

"Harry, please calm down. I-it's not your fault! I'm s-sorry!" Her voice is still small. But She's now standing up gripping my shoulders sliding her hands up down trying to get my attention.

"I'm so sorry," I say quietly finally looking her in the eyes.

She wraps her arms around my neck I respond immediately by weaving my arms to her lower back.

"Why'd you do it?" I mumbled against her neck. My voice just as quiet as hers was. I tried to hide the disappointment in my tone but I can tell she heard it despite my best attempts to hide it.

She's quiet for a few minutes before she finally speaks. "I don't know." She states simply. "The physically pain distracts me from the emotional pain." She continues. She's told me this before when we were playing questions. When id asked her the same question. Why do you do this to yourself.

But this time I didn't want a vague, empty response. I want what caused such emotional pain that she resort to physically harming herself to distract her from her emotional turmoil? What caused such great pain that causes her to intentionally hurt herself?

And to know she was in a dark place and I wasn't there for her was enough to bring my own wave of horrendous pain, and guilt upon myself. I hate how utterly Sad and miserable she is. I hate how I wasn't there for her. I hate that she has dealt with this for so long. I hate that I couldn't take the pain away from her and put it upon myself because if I could I would, In a heart beat.

I hate that she isn't happy.

"W-what caused the emotional pain?"

Again, she quiet for what seems like hours which in reality was probably only a couple minutes.

"Can we sit?" She asks, her voice already cracking.

I nod moving toward the couch. We sit on opposite sides of the couch, facing each other.

"I have been through hell, Harry" she starts. She takes a few breathes before continuing. "I've never had anyone there for me, ever. And I'm so used to having to bottle up my emotions because I had no one to express them to. Sometimes everything just gets so overwhelming and I need a release. And that's where these come from." She points to her wrist. "It's really hard to describe. At first it was just self hate, I wanted to destroy myself, I wanted to Inflict pain on myself. I felt like I deserved it but then I noticed it balanced out my pain also. It was a release from everything I was feeling, the only release I could get. It distracted me from the emotional pain. I don't know how to deal with such powerful emotions and that's when I turn to this."