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When you are coming off drugs, you are held down by the crippling force of anxiety and pain; when your eyes are finally open and you see your life for what it truly is, all of the things you run from finally catch up with you.
Like a strong surge caused by a storm. it washes over you, and the tide tries to pull you back underwater. Back where it's safe. Back where the comforting numbness and cold of unawareness can smother your senses and put you back to blissful sleep.
You never learned to deal with this reality, the actual discomfort of being alive on planet earth, with all its beautiful anguish and fear.
They have many different effects,
They can fester and boil inside you and grow and grow, you become more and more addicted before you know it you're doing it every weekend, again and again until the pain goes away, until the pain dies.
You leave your mind on a endless journey to a new life, a life where you are in control, where you are weightless, a life where selfconfidence means nothing to anyone, you have no cares in the world and you feel great
Until you can't go on without them
You can't move without them, You can't talk without them.That pain comes back,The pain that they said would go away but ends up running circles in your head and says the same things over and over and over and over again.
Harry was just a cigarette, the temporary buzz isn't enough for this longing heartI need a stronger substitute something with a full effect.
Someone with an addiction so strong it's impossible to break.
***
"How often do you feel like consuming alcohol?" the therapist asks.
I inhale deeply as I rest my back into the familiar cushion of the seat I have been sitting in once a week for about a month now.
I close my eyes to enjoy the serenity of the room. This was how most our sessions began. With the air the sun piercing into the office through the cracked blinds, and the room quiet. I have found some solace here.
"Are you still with me?" the therapist asks.
I sighed deeply "I always feel like drinking every minute of every day" I finally replied still keeping my eyes closed.
"Would you connect that feeling to sadness or things going wrong around you?" she pushes. I keep mute for some minutes again with my eyes closed before I speak.
"I don't drink because I'm sad, sadness just gives me a reason to drink" I stopped, opening my eyes to see her eyes holding curious glare.
"Go on" she implores, nodding
"If I don't have what I want, I'm lonely and sad so I drink."
"And if you do have what you want?"
"If I do have what I want, I am certain I'm going to lose it. And the wait for that eventuality is unbearable and so once more I drink"
***
Of course Liam's car is waiting for me as soon as I get out of my session making sure I don't run off. I roll my eyes. We've been out of school for a month now. Harry has gotten a job at a small local music store. He's taking a break for a year before starting at a uni. I've decided on not going back to school. I've been going to these sessions that Harry has forced on me for about a month now.
The main reason was because My nightmares. They have been getting worse. I'm getting worse. I'm not sad, I'm distraught.
The thoughts have gotten worse.
I feel like I'm drowning, Constantly drowning. I don't want to be here. I don't want to wake up.I don't want to breathe. I don't want to see.I don't want to eat. I don't want to think.
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Broken || Harry styles
Fanfiction“Someone once told me to be careful when trying to fix a broken person for you may cut yourself of the shattered pieces.” They were brought together by a painful tragedy. Her past destroyed her mentally and physically leaving her nothing but a hallo...
