I left the apartment and went for a walk, it was a sunny morning, people were jogging, couples walking, just people laughing and people talking yet in my world it was cloudy skies, it was pouring. I tried to listen to music but there was no ignoring the nagging feeling that suggested that I was deceiving myself all along.
Maybe I should play along and not let on that I'm onto you, act like I didn't notice that I was a pawn to you. Maybe I shouldn't be here, I should be back at the apartment confronting you or maybe I should pack up and leave and never talk to you. I always thought there was more to you; I just wish I meant more to you.
I pulled out my phone and I started typing, I did say the process of writing was therapeutic and I often stop myself from saying a lot of things that are stupid in the heat of the moment by typing them instead of verbalising them;
"My problem has always been trying to save girls who didn't want to be saved, girls who saw nothing wrong with the way they behaved
Girls who wanted the world but always needed space
Girls who lied and said "I love you" straight to my face
Girls who say "All I want is Neph" but always search for someone
"All I want is Neph" Okay but who is Jeff?
"All I want is Neph I swear" So why does Chris have a picture of you in your underwear?
Oh you thought I wasn't aware?
It should be me vs me
You shouldn't have to pick a side
But you subtract me from the equation so your legs can divide
You want to stay or you want to leave?
I think you should decide
I turn a blind eye and let it slide
You're full of yourself and I'm fed up with all your lies"
Satisfied, I put my phone back in my pocket, emotions spilling out of me like a broken faucet.
But it made me feel better quite frankly, I wasn't sure where I was going exactly, I just decided to walk until I found a quiet place to sit, thoughts spilling on my phone with every single click, I was curious to see what I'd come up with. I stopped to sit on a park bench, next to a coloured girl who seemed friendly but lonely; she was humming softly while feeding the pigeons, with a face that said "if you want to talk, I'm here to listen".
She had green eyes that look like they've seen lies and a warm smile but I could see it was just a disguise.
She tried to hide it, she was really trying but I could see she had been crying. "Are you okay?" I asked before I could stop myself, "She’s a stranger" I had to remind myself. She blew her nose which was now red, "I didn't mean to impose" I said.
"It's okay" she replied, half crying, half smiling. "It's just one of those days when things don't go your way, it's just life I guess, what's more to say? And if you're going to tell me to pray you can just go away" she said with a little giggle and a sniffle.
"My name is Chrissy", I don't know if my eyes were messing with me but she started looking extra pretty, "I'm Thapelo" I said swiftly.
For me caring is an involuntary reflex, I reached across and handed her a Kleenex. She brought a box, there was contact, our eyes met, her hand was warm and soft and in that moment, she seemed to numb my pain and quiet my thoughts.
Back home you were on your own, it's not the first time you had the apartment to yourself but today you truly felt alone. I had been gone for too long, your hand was aching to pick up the phone but you decided against it.
You decided to do the laundry to get your mind off things, hoping the chore would help you zone out. As you were emptying out the pockets, a note fell out...
