There was tension during breakfast the next morning, the words from last night's phone call still echoing in my head; "Do you know what he'd do if he found out? It's our anniversary soon, it would crush him".
The room wasn't alive with witty banter like most mornings, only the sound of spoons hitting the bowls filled the small apartment.
I got out of bed extra early so I could shower before you woke up just to avoid having awkward sex with you. You always say I'm petty and I agree. Was I really this naïve? Had I really been this blind? Was the pussy that good?
No, no scratch that, it wasn't the pussy. Well, yes it was a factor but it was you. I fell in love with you, your soul rather. I fell in love with your passion for everything that you love, I fell in love with your scent, your aura and your annoying habits like tickling me and putting your cold feet on top of mine... I fell in love with your cooking, your will to live, your determination to be the best attorney there ever was, I fell in love with the fact that you wanted a better life for our kids. I fell in love with your humility, your selflessness... I fell in love with a lie.
God knows who you've been sleeping with, the things you've been doing.
I hit the bowl a little too hard as these thoughts clouding my mind became unbearable and you jumped. I was fuming, gripping the spoon a bit too tight, "maybe you're jumping to conclusions", "maybe it was just a friend", "friend, yeah right", the dialogue continued in my head until I felt your hand jerk me back to reality. I snapped out of it.
"Hey", you said softly while placing your hand on top of mine and I withdrew mine. "You've been acting weird the whole morning, what's wrong? Are you okay?" with a look of genuine concern on your face. A look that once healed every single ounce of pain in my body but now it was causing it.
"What's wrong? WHAT'S WRONG?!? I asked while launching the bowl into your face, with enough force to knock you off balance.
Who were you talking to this morning? Who the fuck have you been fucking? Am I not good enough for you anymore? Three whole years Keletso, has it all been a lie? Who the fuck is he? How long has it been happening? How many times? Did you fuck him on our b...? On our bed?!? Well say someth..."
"Babe!” you said hitting the table, "what's going on?" I had zoned out again, I didn't verbalise any of those questions, I would never lay a hand on you, I won't lie, I wanted to but I didn't. I couldn't. Besides, I didn't even know the facts, I didn't want to know them as much as I wanted to, perhaps I was in denial and scared to face the truth, maybe I should just keep quiet and it will all go away.
The thing about being in love is; the denial that accompanies the emotions, even when something is obvious, staring at you dead in the face, you still need some proof; an affidavit from God with His fingerprint, a unicorn horn, a dragon egg, a snake's elbows and leprechaun DNA and even if you did get those things, chances are; you'll still continue to defend the person you love because it's hard to believe that they could turn on you like that.
I still hadn't answered you. Everything was moving in slow motion like the day we met but it wasn't romantic anymore. I needed to say something, I needed to say anything. You were impatiently waiting, I opened my mouth to speak and my phone started ringing, good thing it did because I had no idea what I was going to say. "Hello", I stood up to put my bowl in the sink; I had barely touched my oats.
Heartbreak somehow numbs your tastebuds. "To get this welcome tone, dial star one..." I sighed deeply. But this was my only escape, "I understand, I was really hoping to get the job...thank you for letting me know", I lied.
I told you about the news from the (fake) phone call and you consoled me. I said I needed some air to process everything and I had to go and get some airtime anyway, you offered to come along but I said I preferred if you didn't.
For the first time ever in 3 years, I couldn't stand being in the same room as you.
