You opened the note and it read:
When it comes to love, the rules of time don't apply
You also can't plan for it, you can't strategise
Fear is justified
All you need is a little faith, a little compromise
The more emotions are pushed aside
The more they intensify
Would you rather choose the love of your life or choose your pride?
Then you act surprised when he's someone else's guy
Will you then be satisfied?
Appreciate your man
Before you see his bride
Walking down the aisle
While you're drowning in denial
Wishing it was all a dream but when you open your eyes
Reality is just as dark
You said he wasn't suitable, now he's in a tux
And you whisper "that could have been us"
Happiness can lie behind the saddest eyes
You can get killed by the very thing that makes you feel alive
And that makes me wonder why
It's weighing heavy on my mind
Your own heart can be your demise
You vs you and you're expected to pick a side
Love is do or die
I saw your true colours and wished I was colour-blind
Things aren't what they appear
The rotten apple of my eye
You were the Rigby to my Mordecai
I mean regular sex is great
But I loved the mind sex
When you made my mind climax
I used to smile less
Battered and bruised because of my ex
Broken and spineless
The pain screamed through my silence
You promised to nurse me back to health
You told me to forgive myself
You taught me how to be myself
How to love you and love myself
But after all that, you saw I wasn't enough
Maybe I never was
Your jaw dropped.
I came home late in the afternoon and found you preparing dinner. I said nothing and headed straight to the bathroom for a shower. In the shower my thoughts were racing, I had to ask you, it was killing me. I didn't even take that girl's number, I wanted to but I couldn't, even when you betray me I still can't hurt you, I have this false sense of loyalty, it's misguided actually. I love too much. No, I love YOU too much.
Do you know what it feels like to not have anything; I mean intangibles like love and loyalty? You only harbour emptiness because you're constantly giving but never receiving anything back. I've been cheated on more times than I can remember and chastised for being a "good guy". I don't even call myself that, I'm just a man who knows how to be a man.
I've always been haunted by that, I've always had the need to need. I've always needed love, I've always needed appreciation and acknowledgement and in my quest, I pursue things that keep running away from me. Like love; love doesn't love me and love doesn't care that I love it.
Whenever I find, I subconsciously expect to lose shortly after, I don't think I deserve nice things because I've never had any while growing up. I never even had a father, something that's supposed to be a birth right, see how deep these scars are? See how much relationships can actually push people over the edge? Everything is intertwined and we often underestimate our worth in people's lives. You could literally be the only thing a person has and when you detach yourself from them, you take the very last ounce of hope they had in life, in love but worst of all; in themselves.
When you love but never receive it you tend to question your existence, you see happy couples all around, you try to change yourself, you dress differently, buy different deodorants and you even change the way you walk and talk in the hopes of attracting at least one decent person but when all of that fails you start cursing yourself and end up surrendering to your insecurities.
You can't mute the voices in your head and you can't run away from yourself. When you find someone who is seemingly perfect, it feels like you're being pranked, it's euphoria.
You've always thought of yourself as a good person with the qualities of a good partner but when you find someone you start questioning your own character because you refuse to believe someone could genuinely love you for you.
So who was I kidding? How could a bum like me ever hope to land a girl like you? I'm a man wired to provide, your ex bought you a car once, how on Earth will I ever top that? Maybe you went back to him or you got an upgrade.
I was numb, I just stood there while the water washed over me and at least I could cry now and not feel the tears running down my face. I stepped out of the shower and got dressed.
"Your food is in the microwave", you said as soon as I entered the room. It was tense, the air was layered with resentment, at least from where I was standing but you weren't too cheerful yourself. I sat down on the couch. I couldn't even look at you. It was ghost quiet until...
"Are you cheating on me Keletso?” I said suddenly but calmly. "I heard the phone call", I continued, still not looking at you.
"Baby I can explain..." you said as your voice cracked and you began crying.
Just then, there was a knock at the door...
