Damaged -Grayson Dolan-

Chapter Four

*trigger warning

"Are you even listening to me?"

I blinked, refocusing on Mina's face. "Sorry- what?"

She threw her hands in the air. "Seriously, Alanna, I asked you the same question five times. Did you do the English homework?"

"Oh yeah. I'll send you a picture."

"Awesome, you're amazing." The bell rang overhead and Mina waved goodbye as we headed our separate directions.

I slid into my seat in Pre-Calc, the seat next to me empty. My heart sank a little and I wondered where Grayson was. Finally- 30 seconds before the bell- he raced into the classroom and sank into his seat. His hair was mussed and he had on grey joggers and a black hoodie.

"Rough morning?" I asked with a slight laugh.

He grunted. "You could say that. Ethan forgot to set his alarm. Idiot."

I smiled but before I could answer the intercom overhead buzzed to life. "Good morning students. Today is our spring pep rally! We are going to begin to call students down to the main gym by grade. We will direct where to sit and..."

Grayson groaned beside me. "Great. Another pep rally. Why do they insist on doing one every time the season changes at this school?"

I didn't answer. My heartbeat was beginning to quicken. The memories of the last time I'd been forced into a small space with hundreds of people flashed in my mind. I squeezed my eyes shut. There was no way I could go to the pep rally. My hands began to shake and I gripped the edge of my desk.

1, 2, 3, breathe

The intercom continued clamor on overhead and students talked loudly around me. I kept counting my breaths, waiting for the feeling to subside. My control was like a thin layer of ice and right now I felt like the slightest thing could shatter it. I forced my eyes open.

Then Grayson was standing up next to me as our room number was called down to the gym. "Hey," his voice was low. "Are you okay?"

I stood unsteadily on shaky legs. "Yeah, I'm fine." I swallowed. My throat felt like sandpaper.

"Are you sure?

We walked to the door together and then out into the hall. The noise was deafening and I didn't have time to answer.

It was chaos.

There had to be hundreds of students crammed into the small space. My pulse pounded in my ears as bodies surrounded me. Grayson was still behind me but I hardly noticed at this point. My head was spinning and a familiar feeling blossomed in my chest. It was becoming difficult to breathe. It felt like someone was contracting a rubber band around my lungs, squeezing the air from them.

I had to get out.

I surged forward, pushing students in my path. I headed the opposite way from the gym where the crowd thinned out. I burst through the door of the first girl's bathroom I saw, panting and trembling.

I was way past the counting breaths stage.

I stumbled into the nearest stall and slammed the thin door shut behind me. I sank onto the dirty, disgusting floor and hugged my knees to my chest. I leaned my head against the wall, tilting it up to face the ceiling.

Everything hurt. My chest felt constricted, my throat stuffed with cotton. I was suffocating, drowning. I had to remind myself to breathe. Tears leaked from my eyes and streamed down my face. Everything breath was like pushing against a lead weight on my chest.

I don't know how long I stayed there, in that empty bathroom curled up on the floor. It felt like an eternity. Gradually the tightness in my chest lessened. The ringing in my ears stopped. I breathed slowly in and out through my nose. I gripped both sides of the toilet and pulled myself into a standing position. My legs trembled but held me. Slowly I opened the stall door.

The bathroom was still empty. The pep rally must still be going on. I made my way to the sink and looked in the mirror. My face was pale and my eyes were red and puffy. I splashed water on my face and then checked my phone. I had five messages from Mina and one from an unknown number. I opened it up with a frown.

hey its grayson. I hope you don't mind mina gave me ur number but I wanted to know if u were ok. u took off pretty quick

If my body hadn't been so exhausted, my heart probably would've done somersaults in my chest. Grayson Dolan has my number. And he wants to know if I'm okay.

I responded to Mina's messages, telling her where I was and that everything was fine. I decided not to tell her about the panic attack. I was tired of people having to give up their time to help me because I couldn't manage to deal with stuff on my own. It wasn't fair to them.

Then I texted Grayson back.

Sry I left so quick but I'm fine. And its cool if u have my number, I don't mind.

I clicked off my phone, momentarily distracted from the post-attack feelings. But now I could sense them rushing in, like water picking up speed as it rushed over a cliff. I was always at my most vulnerable after a panic attack and this was no exception.

Weak. Pathetic. Weird. Issues. High maintenance. Burden.

Sharon had told me not to try and prevent the post-attack feelings. As much as it sucked, she told me, they would probably always occur. So instead I was supposed to counter-attack the lies with truth.

I'm not weak, I'm strong. Anxiety doesn't make me pathetic. I'm not a burden.

To distract myself I opened my phone again and added Grayson to my contacts. Then I hauled my backpack on my shoulders. The door to the bathroom swung open and Mina walked in. Her plaid shirt contrasted sharply with the dull colored walls. "Hey, why are you in here?" Her eyes widened. "You didn't have a panic attack, did you?"

I shook my head. "No, I'm fine. But I didn't want to risk it so I just decided to hide in here and avoid the pep rally altogether."

"Oh. Good plan." Mina set her neon orange bag on the sink and leaned in to run a hand through her silky blond hair.

I peered at my reflection next to her. My dark hair was sticking up oddly. "So you gave Grayson my number, huh?"

She pulled away to look at me. A sly smile crept its way onto her face. "Yep. Actually, though he asked me for it after telling me what happened." She shrugged and straightened her shirt. "He also said he should probably have it for study purposes. But he was kind of rambling at that point..."

I shook my head. "I cannot believe you." My phone buzzed on the countertop.

"Speak of the devil," Mina arched a perfectly shaped eyebrow at me. "He texted you."

"He's probably just responding to my text," I told her and unlocked my phone.

cool. I actually also wanted to ask u if u wanted to meet outside of school to study? bc we have that big test nxt week

"Oh my gosh!" Mina squealed peering over my shoulder. "He's asking you out!"

"No, he's not," I replied indignantly. "It's to study. See?" I pointed at the message.

"And studying leads to coffee, which leads to food, which leads to a date!" She flicked a strand of hair over her shoulder. "I called it."

I rolled my eyes and responded to his message.

sure

Mina rolled her eyes at me. "Wow, a one-word answer. You sure are play hard-to-get."

I ignored her. Grayson texted back quickly. awesome. I was thinking around 4 at the Starbucks on Kendler st?

I glanced at Mina, who nodded her head excitedly at me.

sounds good. i'll b there