Damaged -Grayson Dolan-

Chapter Ten

*Trigger Warning

"I vote burgers," I said scrolling through my twitter feed.

Ethan scoffed. "Nah, pizza all the way."

"You had pizza yesterday," I said leveling him with a look.

"And then you had the leftover pizza this morning for breakfast," Mina told him from her perch on the couch.

Ethan rolled his eyes. "Grayson will side with me."

"What's up?" Grayson came out of the hallway, running a hand through his damp hair. "I'll side with who?"

"I say we get pizza, but Alanna is voting for burgers," Ethan told his twin.

Grayson glanced at me. "Burgers all the way."

"Ha," I stuck out my tongue at Ethan who rolled his eyes at me.

"You are so whipped," he muttered to Grayson as he went to retrieve his car keys. Grayson just smirked, walking to the front door to grab his shoes. Mina appeared next to me. "They're gonna want to drive together. Just sit in the back with Grayson, I'll sit shotgun with Ethan. Okay?"

I chewed my lip. We'd avoided the driving situation until now. "Okay, I'll be good."

"You guys ready?" Grayson asked.

I nodded and Mina jumped up as Ethan headed out the door first, keys in hand. "I call shotgun!" She yelled shoving past me and to the door. I rolled my eyes but in reality, I'd never been so thankful to have a friend like her in my life.

"Guess you're in the back with me," Grayson said with a shake of his head. We climbed in and I was grateful Ethan's truck wasn't that small. The drive to the burger place was quick and it was relatively empty. We ordered our food and sat down in a booth. I made sure to grab a seat at the end.

"Dude," Ethan said taking a bite of his food, "We gotta enjoy this time while it lasts. Because after this weekend we basically aren't gonna have lives anymore."

Grayson glanced at his phone screen. "Shit, you're right. Lacrosse starts on Monday."

"Yeah and then all of our free time is basically non-existent." Ethan shook his head.

"Aww, so no more time for me?" Mina said with a pout. Ethan poked her in the side. "I'll always have time for you."

"Guys-" I said with a wave of us hand. "Please, not while I'm eating."

"Just kiss already," Grayson said around a mouthful of hamburger. I reached over and swiped a french fry from his plate.

"Nah, bro, I think you beat me to that," Ethan said with a sly smile.

I felt my face get hot. Grayson rolled his eyes. "Wow, good one." He dipped one of his fries in my ketchup.

"No-" I batted his hand away.

"You just took one of my fries!"

"So?"

"So I should get to use your ketchup!"

"You have your own right there." I pointed to his plate.

"And you have your own fries!"

"Yes but-" I grabbed another one of his and popped it into my mouth. "-I ate them all. So now I get to eat your's."

Grayson just looked at me. "I cannot believe you."

I just smiled cheekily and ate another french fry from his plate.

~~~

"It's green, Brandon."

"Got it, got it." Our car began to roll forward. "I thought you said you were putting some music on."

"I am, chill," I said, playfully punching my brother on the shoulder. "What are we feeling? Drake or Migos?"

"Dunno."

I rolled my eyes and looked at him in the driver's seat. Something glinted in the sunlight outside his window. My gaze slid past him and focused on the dark blue SUV hurtling our way. "Brandon!" I screamed as the car collided with his side of the vehicle.

Everything went black.

I woke up in a cold sweat, tangled in my blankets. My heart was pounding and I didn't even make it to the bathroom before my chest began to constrict. I squeezed my eyes shut. Images seared into my mind, images that were never going to go away. My hands shook. An urge overtook me. It hadn't been this strong in while.

No, don't do it. Don't go there. Fight it, fight it.

But I couldn't. I wasn't strong enough to do this. Dizzy with fear and pain I made it to my closet, digging for the box I kept hidden in the back. I clutched it to my chest and re-entered the bathroom. I glanced at myself in the mirror. I was pale and sweaty. My eyes were so empty it scared me.

The burning sensation drew me back to the present. I tore open the box almost in a frenzy. One glance to ensure the bathroom door was locked. Although it was three in the morning, I didn't think my parents would be up.

My fingers were slow to undo the packaging and I felt sluggish from pain and nausea.

You don't have to do this

Yes. Yes, I do. I can't handle this.

You're stronger than you think. Walk away now.

I'm not. I'm not strong enough to do this.

I yanked the razor from its box and held it up. Fluorescent light glinted off the edge. I dropped the box onto the countertop, clutching the blade in my trembling hand like a lifeline. I placed the tip on the tender skin of my wrist. I took a deep breath and looked in the mirror.

Fucking damaged.

Then I pushed, the wicked end slicing deep into my flesh.

Pain, hot and intense shot up my arm. Blood welled to the surface, overflowing and dripping down my arm. The constriction in my chest eased. Everything faded except for the sting of my wrist. I continued to drag the razor across my skin. I made another cut. Then another and another and another.

Eventually, the burning subsided. I felt numb. There was nothing left to feel. No desire pulsed within me. I dropped the blade. It clanged against the tile floor but the sound was distant and muffled. I glanced down at what I'd done. Blood, crimson and dark dripped from the pale skin of my arm. It splattered onto the floor and my feet. I couldn't even see the cuts I'd made, blood covered everything.

Bile rose in my throat but I forced it back down.

Weak. Useless. You're so fucking pathetic. Look at yourself. Look at what you've done.

I swallowed, not trying to fight against the barrage of words in my head.

What was the use when I knew they were right?