Somnia Moon

Chapter 18: Conflict

Evan didn't like this. He didn't like knowing he was in danger, didn't like waiting without knowing if Alex was ok, without knowing if they were about to be ambushed. If he needed to, he knew he could escape in under a second, but he wouldn't want to leave everyone behind and wasn't sure if he would have enough time to rescue them all should they find themselves in danger.
He looked over to Rowen, wondering if he should go to her. He wasn't sure how he felt about her; he never knew what she was thinking, and despite their recent conversations he was still terrified of her. Who wasn't? She could kill them all in a matter of seconds. She could kill him before he had a chance to teleport. He was sure she wouldn't, but that didn't change the fact that if she wanted to, she could. He'd hoped he could change her, hoped he could show her that she could go back to being a good person, but what she'd said earlier about killing Maddox proved just how ruthless she was. Maybe there was no going back for her. Maybe she'd gone too far down the wrong path. But he wasn't prepared to give up just yet. Besides, she was the only person who he could have a conversation with without being laughed at or ignored – he'd given up trying to talk to Zoe and the others. They always had other more important things to focus on, whereas Rowen seemed happy to talk to him. He supposed she was more lonely than he was.
He decided to try and talk to her, and as he approached she didn't acknowledge his presence. She was frowning slightly, and gazing at seemingly nothing, completely focused on something Evan couldn't see.
“Hey. Is everything ok?” He shyly asked. She slowly looked up at him as if she didn't really want to lose focus.
“Yeah...” She said absent mindedly, seeming distracted. He knew he probably shouldn't push it too much, but that had always been his problem; he was just too curious.
“Are you sure? You seem distracted.”
She hesitated. “It's just...Alex.”
“What about her?”
“She...got the Lilos to change into Christina.”
Now Evan was frowning – several things about that didn't make sense.
“How...um, how do you know that?” He asked, wondering if maybe she'd somehow installed a camera on Alex's clothes, or something.
“That's how my magic works. I can sort of...see everything in the immediate vicinity.”
“Oh...ok. But that doesn't make sense...she doesn't even like Christina.”
“Yeah, I thought that too...”
They were silent for a moment, and Rowen's expression changed from a subtle frown to one of complete confusion.
“What's happening now?” Evan inquired, desperately wanting to know more.
“They're...making out.”
He stared in disbelief. “What?”
“Yeah...the Lilos took her to a room, and now...she's pushing her onto a bed...”
“But...what...I don't understand.” Everything about the way Alex acted around Christina indicated dislike, even fear. Evan had seen the way she avoided eye contact and deliberately walked in the opposite direction whenever she saw her. This didn't make any sense. Unless he'd misinterpreted her body language?
“I had no idea...” Rowen trailed off, gazing into the distance. There was another brief silence, but Evan couldn't handle this anticipation, he had to know more so that he could figure this out.
“What's happening now?” He asked.
“The Lilos is...taking her clothes off and...touching her...” Rowen shuddered. “I can't watch this.”
Evan gently placed his hand on her arm. He knew how difficult seeing that must be, given what he knew she'd been through in the past. “Are you ok?”
She softly smiled, a smile he could tell was false, a smile he could tell was hiding pain. “I'm fine.”
She sighed, looking down. She was exhausted. She hid it well, and maybe the others didn't see it, but Evan could. He wished he could help her. This was why he couldn't decide how he felt – it was like she was two different people. When she was alone with him, she was a broken, grieving woman filled with overwhelming guilt and self-loathing, but the instant she was around other people she suddenly transformed into a ruthless, cold, emotionless serial killer. It confused him immensely. He wondered why she felt the need to act so heartless in front of others. Maybe she just didn't trust them, maybe she felt that if she didn't hurt them first, they'd hurt her. Maybe she felt it was better to be feared.
He felt sorry for her. She'd lost everything, including hope, and he was the only one who seemed to care. He would help her. Most people didn't see the things he saw, didn't see anything except the negative, but in his opinion the good things always overrode the bad things. Which was how he could see that, deep down, Rowen was a good person. She just needed to let herself see it.
“I'm sorry about earlier.” Rowen said softly without looking up at him.
“What for?” Evan knew exactly what she was apologising for, but he didn't want to make her feel worse than she already did.
“I'm completely out of control.”
“No, you're not. You stopped yourself, didn't you?”
“Only because of you. I would have killed her if you hadn't said anything.”
“You didn't have to listen to me. But if you really are sorry, then...prove it.”
Rowen looked sharply up at him, and he almost flinched but managed to stop himself. He really, really hoped he hadn't just made her angry.
“What? How?”
Her tone didn't seem angry, and whilst he knew it was incredibly difficult to decipher her emotions, he deemed it safe to continue. “Don't kill Maddox. Bring him back alive.”
She looked down again, seeming ashamed. “I can't.”
“Yes, you can.”
“It would be a show of weakness.”
“No; it would be a show of strength.”
She looked up at him again, gazing into his eyes – that statement had affected her, a lot. He just hoped it was enough to change her mind. He didn't care much about Maddox, he cared more about Rowen and the extent of her hatred towards herself. The more she killed, the further she drifted from what he knew she wanted to be, from happiness. He owed her his life; he wasn't going to let her ruin hers.
“You remind me of someone I used to know.” She said softly, deep sadness reflected in her eyes. “Compassionate, understanding, and offering me more kindness than I deserve.”
She seemed to be lost in a daydream, and Evan was curious as to what she was thinking about. She was gazing at nothing, eyes filled with longing, emptiness, hopelessness. He stood there awkwardly, her trance making him feel slightly uncomfortable – should he say something? The silence covered him like ants crawling over his body, and he couldn't prevent himself from fidgeting, looking at her, then at the floor, wondering what to do.
“Um...who do I remind you of?” He eventually asked when he could no longer take the silence. She closed her eyes, shaking her head, pulling herself back into reality.
“It's not important.”
There was another silence, during which Rowen seemed to become increasingly agitated – he wondered if she was watching Alex again.
“What's happening now?” He asked.
Rowen hesitated. “Alex is tied up, has a blindfold on, and...” She winced slightly. “She's...being whipped.”
“Rowen, don't watch that.” He said immediately, knowing it must be hurting her deeply. He couldn't even imagine how she must be feeling.
“I have to make sure she doesn't get hurt – distracted.” Rowen quickly corrected herself, like she was ashamed of her concern. Evan smiled.
“Say that again.”
“I...have to make sure she doesn't get distracted.”
He looked at her in a way that implied she wasn't fooling him. “Rowen...”
Rowen sighed, arms crossed, the folder containing the maps of the building still clasped in her hand. With great reluctance, she admitted: “I want to make sure she doesn't get hurt.”
“See?” He said, gazing into her eyes, able to physically see the compassion contained within that so few were aware of. “You are a good person. Even after everything Alex did, you still care about her. I mean, that's pretty resilient, and it shows you don't hold a grudge, which is good.”
She scoffed. “Don't hold a grudge? I killed her boyfriend because of what she did. I killed your mother because you escaped. I killed Holly's parents because...” Rowen closed her eyes, twin tears streaking down her cheeks. The folder slipped from her hand. She was breathing heavily, and Evan stared at her, startled, shocked. It was so, so easy to say something that would trigger her like this. He hadn't meant to upset her. She was just so...fragile. He didn't know what to do, because now she was facing away from him, head in her hands, quietly sobbing – this was another reason why she scared him. There was absolutely no way to possibly tell when she was going to break down. She was so unstable, and he wanted to help, but how could he? How did he know that she wasn't going to turn on him if he tried to comfort her?
“Is...everything ok?”
Evan turned and saw Zoe walking over, leaving Holly standing a few metres away glaring at them. Rowen didn't speak, just held out her arm and presumably used her magic to stop Zoe from coming any closer. Zoe tried to move, but couldn't.
“Is this really necessary? If you don't want me prying, you could just say. You know, try being polite for once instead of forcing everyone to do what you want them to against their will.” Zoe snapped, obvious hatred swimming in her eyes as she struggled against Rowen's magic. Rowen took a deep breath, wiping away her tears, and although Evan couldn't see her face, he could just about see the sunlight bouncing off of a compact mirror as she checked that she still looked presentable.
“Everything's fine.” Rowen said.
The transformation was honestly terrifying. When she turned to face Zoe, her face was completely blank, her voice completely even, all signs of emotion completely gone. Like nothing had even happened. Her face was slightly reddened, but other than that, she seemed completely composed. And this had all taken place in under a minute. Evan subconsciously took a step away from her, having absolutely no idea how to react. It was like she'd just flicked a switch and instantly banished her emotions, and he had to wonder, what kind of person could do that?
“Are...you sure?” Zoe hesitantly took a step towards her having been released from her control, fear and uncertainty flickering in her eyes.
“Why do you keep pretending that you care?” Rowen tilted her head, her face blank as a mannequin, her voice dull, lifeless. Zoe folded her arms, hiding how perturbed she was by fixing Rowen with a challenging glare.
“Because that's what decent people do.”
“I don't appreciate liars.”
“I don't appreciate hypocrites.”
Evan saw Rowen start to lift her arm, so he stood in front of her, stopping her before she did anything she'd regret.
“Rowen, it's ok. Please, don't hurt her.” He begged. Rowen gazed at him for the longest time, before nodding, life filling her eyes as she looked at the floor.
“Since when are you two BFFs?” Holly scornfully remarked, finally deciding to join them. Evan didn't know how to respond, so he looked at Rowen, but she was still staring at the floor, and he wondered if she'd even heard.
“Um...” They were both staring at him, curious, suspicious, maybe even angry. He felt his face go red. “Rowen's nice when you get to know her.”
Rowen gently placed her hand on his arm. “Evan...don't.”
Holly laughed and Zoe rolled her eyes, and Evan didn't think it would hurt but it did. Rowen was his friend, despite his mixed feelings about her, and it killed him that no one else could see her true personality. It killed him that she was so hated. And it killed him that people would judge him just for knowing the truth.
“So, you're a coward, and you're stupid. Why do we even let you hang out with us? You know the only reason we're friends with you is because you can teleport.” Holly's words sunk into him like knives, pain stabbing into him, and he looked down to hide the tears in his eyes.
“Holly's being a little harsh, but you are naïve.” Zoe smiled with contempt. “Rowen's nice? Do you not understand what she's done? What she is? She's a murderer, Evan. A complete sociopath. Just by spending time with her, you're betraying your mother. Do you think she'd want you to hang out with her killer? I can't believe you've let her manipulate you like this. That's just...well, it's a little pathetic, to be honest.”
It's not true it's not true it's not true. I'm not pathetic. I'm not. Just stop. Please. My life isn't pointless. I don't want to die. Just please, stop.
Evan's thoughts raced around inside his head, and tears streamed from his eyes as the depression he tried so hard to hide from crashed down on him, telling him he was worthless, telling him he deserved to die. It didn't take much for it to find him. He wasn't as unstable as Rowen, but he couldn't handle being insulted, because it made him think of things that he didn't want to think about. It made him feel like his life was pointless. It made him want to hurt himself. His arms were wrapped tightly around his body, his fingers gripping the sleeves of the hoodie he was wearing despite the perfect temperature, gripping so hard that his nails dug into his flesh. He was pathetic. He was crying just because of a few words. But words could damage him more than any physical injury.
Rowen snapped her arms out in front of her, sending Holly and Zoe smacking into the wall of the building where she kept them suspended, anger blazing in her eyes.
“Don't you dare. Don't you dare talk about him like that!” She yelled, completely seething – Evan had never seen her this angry. This wasn't just anger, this was pure rage, and Holly and Zoe suddenly seemed incredibly afraid, terrified. “Evan may be wrong about me, but that doesn't give you the right to say that. You're angry at me, not him. Don't hate him just because he's so empathetic that he's trying to help me. He's shown me nothing but kindness. He'd do anything you ask him to, but you don't even fucking care about him, do you? You act like heroes, but you're just as bad as me. All of this, everything you do is just...a mask. The only difference is, I know that I'm a bad person. But you're too narcissistic to see it. You think you're better than everyone else. How many people have you hurt without even realising it? You're constantly belittling people, talking shit about them behind their backs, using them for your own selfish purposes. Do you have any fucking idea how that feels?”
Rowen had tears in her eyes, and she was breathing heavily, long suppressed pain spilling into her voice. Evan was almost as shocked as Holly and Zoe. He couldn't believe that Rowen had stood up for him like that. He hadn't known she cared so much. She let them drop to the floor and instantly hugged him, and he cried into her shoulder, wishing he could find the words to express how grateful he was that she was here for him. No one had ever helped him like that. She was the best friend he'd ever had, and he didn't care how flawed she was, because she was here for him and no one else was.
“Don't listen to them. Ok? You're not pathetic.” Rowen soothed, her voice soft like a lullaby. She pulled away, keeping her hands on his shoulders and gazing into his eyes, her face filled with concern. “Promise me you're not gonna...take this out on yourself.”
Evan knew exactly what she meant, and he almost felt guilty because the cuts from the last time they'd made him feel like this were still fresh on his arms. He nodded. “I promise.”
Rowen shakily smiled, gently wiping away his tears.
“It's not...what you said, it's not true.” Zoe said, her voice wavering. Rowen turned to face her.
“Oh? I hear you talking about Alex all the time.”
“Well, maybe you shouldn't be listening.”
“Maybe you shouldn't say things that you don't want people to hear.” A tear streaked down Zoe's cheek, and she wiped it away, refusing to show how much Rowen had hurt her. “You talk about her like...like she's a burden. I understand that it can be hard to take care of someone who's...unstable, but that shouldn't matter. You're supposed to be friends. You're supposed to want to take care of her. You're not supposed to talk about her like she's less important than you.”
“You're such a fucking hypocrite.” Zoe spat.
“I kill people. A lot of the time I don't even mean to. It just happens. But I don't ever think I'm better than them. I hate myself for everything that I've done. And I would never talk about my friends, or anyone, the way you do.”
Holly was looking at the floor, clearly upset, and Zoe just turned away from them. Evan admired Rowen's strength. He wished he could defend himself like that.
“Oh my God...” Rowen breathed, her eyes wide, worried, scared even.
“What is it?” Evan inquired.
“Alex...she's dying. I can feel her heart freezing.” She closed her eyes, concentrating, and Evan wondered what she was doing. She moaned slightly, blood trickling from her nose, and stumbled as her eyes opened.
“Are you ok?” He asked, concerned. She pulled a tissue out of her pocket and wiped away the blood.
“Yeah...it's a little out of my range, but I still managed.”
“What's out of your range?”
“Alex was connected to this...electric shock machine, and it was killing her, so I destroyed it.”
“Will she be ok?”
“I don't know...her injuries are pretty bad, but she should be able to heal it.” She sighed. “We never should have let her go alone.”
“What's going on?” Zoe asked, unable to hide her hostility. Rowen looked at him, not knowing what to say.
“Um...Rowen can use her magic to see Alex.” He said. Rowen hit his arm, glaring. He frowned. “What?”
“She doesn't want you to tell me how her magic works because she's afraid I'll use it against her.” Zoe explained, hands on hips.
“No...that's not it.” Rowen carefully grabbed his arm and lead him away so that Zoe couldn't hear. She lowered her voice. “Zoe's seeing Christina. We can't let her know about this. It's just going to cause problems.”
Evan nodded, understanding. If Alex was doing this because she liked Christina, then he could see that telling Zoe would be unwise, especially as her emotions weren't exactly stable right now.
“What's going to cause problems?” Zoe demanded. Rowen shook her head.
“It doesn't matter.”
“You just said that Alex was dying, so I think it probably does matter.”
“She's fine.”
“No. No, tell me what's happening. Alex is my friend, and I need to know if she's ok. Has she been caught?”
Rowen sighed. She looked into Zoe's eyes, reluctantly giving in. “Alex got her Lilos to shape-shift into Christina.”
Zoe's glare was truly terrifying. “I'm sorry, she did what? Why?”
Rowen shrugged. “Maybe she felt like she wanted to suffer.”
“That makes no sense. One, why would she want to suffer, and two, why would Christina make her suffer?”
“Zoe, you don't know her.”
“What, and you do?”
“I grew up with her.” Rowen's eyes were once again watering, but Zoe didn't seem to notice.
“Yeah. She said you were really close. What the hell happened to you?”
Evan observed Rowen squeezing her arms around herself, and wondered why she didn't say anything, wondered why she didn't tell Zoe that if Christina hadn't died she would still –
Wait. Wait. Christina was dead. She'd died when Rowen was eleven, aged twenty. Their mother had murdered her. How the hell had he forgotten that? Christina was dead. So then, how could she be here?
Evan thought about the real reason why Rowen had ordered that they invade the Freedom Complex – it had a database of names, and she was searching for someone. Who did Rowen care about? The only people, excluding himself, that she had ever cared about were her deceased family. Her husband and her daughter. He'd read her diaries, and the only people she'd ever cared about enough to do all of this were her dead husband and her dead daughter.
It all made sense. How had he not seen this? Their last memories before they woke up here were of being shot at. They'd assumed that whoever had orchestrated the attack had sent them to a different dimension to simply get them out of the way, but what if they'd been killed? What if this was where people go when they die? And Rowen would have probably known about all this because she had done the most research into other dimensions.
The more he though about it, the more certain he became. They didn't need to eat or drink because they were no longer growing, they were dead, they didn't need those things to survive anymore. The weather was always perfect, because plants no longer needed rain, because they were dead too. They were all dead.
“So? What's happening now?” Zoe aggressively inquired, and although nothing had really changed, everything suddenly felt so different. The trees. There were no dead leaves on the trees, because everything was already dead. The only way a leaf could die here was if someone purposefully picked it from the branch. So then...if everything here was already dead, then what happened if you were killed? What happened if you died in the afterlife? Evan wanted to stop everything and talk to Rowen about this, but he knew he couldn't; Rowen had hidden all of this from them for a reason, and he wanted to respect that. He'd have to wait until they were alone.
“She's...” Rowen was clearly reluctant to speak – wait. If they were dead, that meant everyone who'd ever died was probably here too. He could see his mother again. Alex could see Felix again. Zoe and Holly could both find their families. He closed his eyes and tried to get himself to focus. “She's...pleasuring her.”
“You mean, Christina's fucking Alex? Yeah, it doesn't sound like she's suffering much to me.”
“Well...maybe she doesn't want her to...do that.”
“Who doesn't want that? Christina is fucking perfect.”
Rowen closed her eyes, squeezing her arms even tighter around her body, struggling to hold herself together. “You've only known her a few days.” She said quietly.
“I've known her long enough to know that she's a much better person than you will ever be. You're lucky to have a sister like her.”
Evan could hardly believe Zoe was saying this and Rowen wasn't doing anything. Why wasn't she telling her what Christina was really like? Why wasn't she telling her what she'd done?
“I know.” Was all Rowen said as a tear fell from her eye.
“Oh, have I made you feel bad now?” Zoe mocked. Evan wanted to tell her to stop, because he could see Rowen was seconds away from breaking down again, but he just couldn't. He was too scared. He really was a coward. “She cares about you, you know. She wants to help you. Why do you keep distancing yourself from her?”
“It's complicated.”
“Yeah. Everything's complicated with you.”
“I have to stay away from her. And I advise you to do the same. However evil you think I am...she's worse. You're only going to get hurt.”
“Christina would never hurt me.”
“I thought that too.” Rowen's voice was so quiet it could barely be heard. She took a deep breath, composing herself. “I think it's best if we don't talk.”
“Yeah.” Zoe walked over to Holly and hugged her, before moving away from them.
“Are you ok?” Evan asked as soon as they were far enough away.
“Yeah. Are you?”
Evan nodded, even though he really wasn't. He'd been hurt by some of the only people who he thought might care about him, his best friend was still being haunted by her childhood and there was nothing he could do to help her, and he'd just worked out that he was dead. How could he possibly be ok? But he figured it was ok for him to lie, because Rowen had as well. He knew she wasn't ok. And she probably knew that he wasn't either. But it was just easier not to get into it, especially here. He needed to talk to her, needed to ask her if he was right about this dimension, but he had to wait. They could talk about it later when they weren't under the threat of being attacked, and when there was no one else around to hear.
“Thank you.” He said, smiling.
“What for?”
“You know what.” He wrapped his arms around her, and she hugged him back, a gesture that made him feel loved, a gesture that he was so rarely offered. “You're the best friend I've ever had.”
“You can't have had many decent friends.”
“You're a good person. And things will get better, I just know it.”
Rowen pulled away and looked at him, her eyes so full of sadness that he wondered how it was possible that the sadness didn't spill into tears. “I wish I shared your optimism.”
He wanted to say something, but he didn't know what, he didn't know how to make it better. And then his phone buzzed. Fear churned inside him – it was Alex texting him, telling him she was ready, and he didn't want to go. He was so scared. He hated doing anything remotely dangerous, but he knew he didn't have a choice.
“I have to go.” He said softly. Rowen could obviously tell that he was scared, and she tried to reassure him, but it did nothing to ease his fear. He wondered how she could have possibly coped when she was younger. She must have been so afraid. But this was completely different; Evan didn't really have any reason to be scared, because he could easily escape if something went wrong. Everything would be fine. He hesitated for a moment, gathering his courage, before he disappeared, transporting himself directly into what he was certain would be a trap.